Spousal Abuse?(Update:filed charges)

[Meggy]

I'm so confused. My first marriage was obviously abusive. My second marriage that I'm still in I say it has been the best and worst of times. We've been married for 20+ years. In that period of time no one has supported me more and no one has trampled my feelings more. I have tried to divorce my present husband in the past but caved in. I do not think he is a bad man, I think he has problems, he's impulsive or I don't know, how can I analyze him. But this has come up 3x before and today I am scared of him. I don't see any options I have tho. I'll try to make this short but I'll explain again I have had a head injury and brevity isn't my talent in writing.

I have severe uncontrolled epilepsy. Currently we have been in a crises with my husband's heart which is so clogged with plaque or cholesterol his EKG is ominously abnormal. His angina symptoms are severe. He continues to try to work so we are health insured or in the US where we live he will not get quality health care. His cardiologist told him now only two things can save his life: medications or a treatment called EECG. Prolong and improve at best, not save. Medications are not helping very much. Many have been tried still he worsens rapidly. It's been extremely frightening. His anxiety and depression have he says now overwhelmed him. I can see that in him. For instance he panics, hyperventilates,thinks he's having a heart attack and his shortness of breath from hyperventilation, not his heart grows worse. I quit going to his appts. and treatments because flurorescent lights make me seize, it creates a big mess, so I listen to his reports and the few I get on the phone which are very general. All I've heard is, and I know this in part at least to be true, he worsens. He is not halfway through the EECP treatments but he states he feels no better and we had hoped he would at this time, according to his doctor. His EKG in the second week was so bad no treatments were given but it improved, still it is not a good EKG.

We are having problems with our pharm. ins. and can't buy his expensive medications. Friday I was on the phone all day trying to find samples, aid to help us, anything to keep his medications going. I do not think he'll live without them. I found out later he ran out of two about a week ago and hasn't been taking them. Nor has he sought to find funding for them except asking his doctors if he had samples, he did not. These are 2 of the 3 out of 11 medications that help him too. During my search I talked to two staff members of his doctor and they said my husband was better. I was so surprised and elated I didn't ask many details. I questioned them, they said yes, he is better but his depression and anxiety are making an emotional "cardiac cripple" out of him. He needs a firm talk from his medical staff in realities which I know he got yesterday but he doesn't bring it up, so neither did I.

Okay the problem is I called him elated at his work saying guess what? Two staff at your doctors said you were a little bit better. We're grabbing at straws here, this is the FIRST good info we've had. He wasn't happy tho. He was surly, defensive, confrontive. I still don't understand that. He asked no specific questions like based upon what either I thought later. I cooked his favorite dinner and dessert but I had not been feeling well that whole day. I was having many simple partial seizures where you stay conscious but have many things you feel that if enough can really wear you out and can be a signal or aura that a convulsive more serious sz's is coming on. I laid down before he came home totally exhausted, sweating heavily, and felt best to lay down than fall down. I must have had a convulsive and long sz in bed, we live in a 2 bedrom duplex. Medium size dwelling. Often the body wakes up before the mind after a seizure and sometimes the opposite. This time my mind was waking up but my body was "stuck", I couldn't move anything yet. I heard the front door close, him greeting my service dog, other little

[eeyorelover]

Oh Meggy -
I am so sorry that you are going thru such a hard time.
I really can't give you any advice on what you should do because I was in an abusive relationship and I had to make up my own mind that I had enough. People could tell me until the cows came home that I should leave or whatever but it had to be because I knew I could move on (and needed to).
The only thing that I can say is that you will be in my thoughts and prayers and that if you want to gab just pm me or drop in chat and all of us here will support you.
XXX
Sandy
eeyorelover

[Meggy]

Thanks. I think if I married 20x, I'd always marry an abusive person.

If I allow myself to really count it all up? He's a lot more abusive than I'll let myself consciously think about. I realized it the first year we were married. We've separated 7 times, most recently a year ago and I WAS going to make it stick then but I crumbled, again.

I just feel like right now his health is very serious and it locks me in. I know from what he said tonight tho, he knows that.

We have separate bedrooms now. If I go in mine and shut the door? He has not one time come to the door. So I can always do that but I'm a prisoner enough. I realize though that I let this happen, escalate to where it is on my own. I was well educated about abuse in my first marriage. I have never been desperate to be married either. That's what is so funny. I loved being single. I didn't want to remarry, I got talked into it. Seems like my theme.

I'd love to go to chat but I don't know when people are on. I'm in the US but keep odd hours.

Meggy

[eeyorelover]

Hi Meggy,
I know that with his health so poor right now that it's hard to not want to be there for him but hun, you deserve to have someone there for you too. I mean believe me I know how scary seizures can be as my son at one point was having 4200 petite mal seizures everyday. He only had 12 gran mals the entire time before we finally found a med he responded to.
I just can't imagine not being there and helping him thru it. I know that your hubby is having a hard time but he has to understand that he has to give a little support too. I truely hope that he comes around and sees that.
I'm in the U.S too and I am either on around 11am central time or after 10pm central time. If you are on - just pm me and we can gab :)
XXX
Sandy
eeyorelover

[Meggy]

What you said about people can talk to you until they're blue in the face to leave an abusive person yet it won't happen until you or I decide to is so true. My first marriage was just atrocious. I divorced him about 25 years ago and he's still after me. The law doesn't protect me. One of the reasons I finally moved away from my children, 12 hours away was just to get away from this monster yet in our society he was model perfect. I've reflected why I stayed married to him so long and I think it's because I isolated every abuse, excused him because he had emotional problems, believed his same lie everytime - he'd do better, and there'd be periods where he wasn't abusive, just an A** hole. I called a help line tho because his abuse towards my son became very frightening. I called every single night, I was just drawn to talk to this one volunteer. She wasn't even that nice to me. She'd constantly interrupt me and say - if I stay with that man he was going to kill my son. That finally got thru to me - I left him a week later. I called and told her expecting her to be elated, compliment me and she said - about time. But she turned on my light bulb. And then I get into it again. I really had thought I didn't see this coming, but looking at the year we dated, I saw all the needy demanding symptoms. I wasn't ready to re-marry but he gave me ultimatums, and I obeyed.

My Lord I have never heard of anyone have that many sz's. How wonderful you found a medication that has helped your son. My son had his first sz when I was holding him when he was 7 weeks old. He arched his back, started turning blue and everything in the world went thru my mind except he was having a grand mal. He went in and out of control in his childhood as he grew, constant medicine tweaking but he is now 29 and a big husky 6-2. He is a gentle loving man and I do believe it is because he is empathetic, compassionate because of his health problems. He has two daughters. One also has "cheezers" that scare her. Nocturnal grand mals but she is kept fairly well controled too except during growth periods. I am AED intolerant. The side effects of the AEDs clobber me. I take several that don't help that much. I have a little over 100 sz's on a normal day. Many are myoclonic jerks or absences. I really strugle with Atonic Drops and have a grand mal that is status about every 2 weeks. Right now my sz'ing is way up because my spirits and stress are bad.

Of course my situation is escalating. Of course it is my fault or if that totally fails than he is being unfairly persecuted by me or I'm wrong or I don't understand. I don't fall for this any longer, he knows it, but it worsens his moods, abusiveness. I knew when he got such a bad diagnosis that eventually the abuse would start. It didn't for longer than I thought, I got lulled into stupidly thinking it wouldn't start. Why, I don't know, it would have been a first.

I did call the police just to talk to them. I've found the police don't understand epilepsy and many don't want to plus I was raped by the police so I'm not trusting or fond of the group. They referred me to the city attorney but first I called my son who has a good bead on my husband. His basement is a small walk out apartment. He's ready and willing to come and get me but living under the same roof with his wife would be a more abusive situation and my son would be in the middle. So, that's not a solution. It sounds good but I've tried it, it was living hell. My son said if I didn't call the city attorney he was going to so I did, today. I asked to speak to whomever handled the majority of their abuse cases and got a woman. I got very tongue tied, started having some panic, started the old familiar rationalizing his behaviors, taking the blame but she stopped me, thankfully. She asked me what I wanted to do. She said based on what I'm telling her and he's now doing more, they would have enough to come out and pick him up but because of his health problems his doctor could get him automatic bail or s

[eeyorelover]

Hi Meggy -
Well it does sound like you are taking a step in the right direction by having this woman come to talk to him. He won't dare do anything in retaliation after she is gone or he would run the risk of being arrested and I definitely don't think he wants that.
My son was having drop seizures or absence seizures too. That is what most of the 4200 a day were. We went thru hell finding a med that would work on him - the docs ODed him twice and finally we got lucky and got a REALLY old doc who basically took charge, gave all the other docs what for, and came to see my son 3 times a day until we finally found the right med. Zarontin was the name of it. He is almost 17 now and just like your son he seems to be more empathetic with people and so loving.
He's been seizure free and off meds for 8 years now and has a small delay in school but is doing really well.
I am so sorry that yours aren't managable yet but you know that there is always a ton of research being done so don't you give up hope.
At one point the docs were telling me that he would have to be pushed around in a stroller and wear diapers for the rest of his life so miracles do happen!!!!! :)
You know you say you don't want to lean on your kids but you gave them 18 years (and then some) - you SHOULD be able to count on them to help you out. You shouldn't have to go thru all this alone - Meggy!!!! Give them a chance to back you up!!!!
Did you notice in his little note that he said "our problems" and not "his" - YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME FOR ANY OF THIS!!!!!
Don't you dare let him make you feel guilty about needing support too or about you thinking of leaving. You really do deserve to be happy and supported and it seems like he is only adding to your stress so what good is he to you right now anyway??!!!
That definitely isn't love!! You know that. You've just been in this situation for so long that of course it is going to be hard to take a step out of it but you really need to before something horrible happens.
I sure hope everything went well with your meeting and you will be in my prayers!!!
xxx
Sandy
eeyorelover

[Meggy]

Oh darn't, erased my post. I feel I should post something because you've been so kind to me Sandy. Things are deteriorating so rapidly I hate to post this crap, and it changes literally daily. My emotions are falling apart so much I'm not sure where they are so I'm not writing or posting much. I was numb before, then immobilized and now I can't wait until I start dissasociating for hours at a time. My psychiatrist tells me I can not do that any longer, it's too dangerous for me. Watch me. It'd be a relief. I'm wondering if I've done a lot in my life and I'm getting messages about my usefullness I'm ignoring.

The Assistant City Attorney visit was as I expected, a blow off, made things worse plus he greased her, I figured he would. She gave suggestions, warnings, reminded him he had one conviction for assault on me, he better watch it but the way she said it? She didn't convince me she was very impressed. I brought up some other things. Things that are very abusive, disabling to me, but don't show bruises, broken bones, and she blew that off. It was my word against his she said. That was the end of that except as I expected, he got nastier after that visit.

She found a spot for me in a house for health challenged people I did visit but they won't let me bring my dog and I'm very dependent on her practically and emotionally. I think she'd curl up and die if I left her too. Since she goes everywhere with me? If I ever leave her at home? She goes into a major funk, sometimes for days evevn after I return, stops assisting, like a 3 year old, but then she's my baby too. That's illegal to prohibit her. She's certified, can go anywhere but they're adamant. Anyway I couldn't stand lights out at 9:00 and their complimentary dinner they invited me to had mystery meat. I would have gagged eating it. I couldn't stand it there. I don't want to go from bad to worse.

The LATEST thing, and I'm more than simmering over this. The technician who has only been taught how to run the machine, take vital signs and hook up an EKG for a doctor to read is full of herself. Exaggerated self importance plus she works autonomously. I have 4x times the education she has or more in medicine. I've seen this before and these people have no business dealing with patients or families. I'm not bragging about my credententials, it's just fact, plus I have a ton more experience and one thing I do know, you do not step out of your licensure or what you've been taught. Time after time in my career when I could work I'd see family or patient dysfunctions I thought - I can fix that but that wasn't within my ability to "fix. Asess yes, so I could call the appropriate people but "fix", no. I'm not trained to do that. I could create more harm and it's not within my licensure. I always called a psychiatric social worker to at least asess the situation I worried about. This technician doesn't need to do that apparently, she handles it herself. She's a "patient advocate" she told me which is far from the truth if she's acting as she is outside of her abilities. That can be dangerous to the patient. Apparently my "husband" told her something about me that amounts to I'm creating him debilitating stress. She had to abort one of his important treatments because his BP was too hi. It was because, he told me, he forgot to take his BP pill, took it in front of me so I know it's true. Maybe he sai to her his BP was too high because of me. He's denying he said anything to her. I don't believe it for a minute. He's talked about me to people at his work before. They've told me. Today she nastily accused me of "hastening his death by falsely accusing him of abuse and creating more stress for him", 5x, then slammed the phone down on me. She got that information from him or out of thin air. I was mumbly, shocked she called and said that, told her he wasn't hitting me,it was other things and her response was a sarcastic buck up and quit being a cry baby. "Sticks and stones can hurt your bones but words can never hurt you" - sh

[Meggy]

Oh gosh Sandy I forgot and wanted to comment on your son. I have NEVER heard of anyone that had that many sz's a day. My over 100 is considered astonishing. I thought it was false. Then found out a lot of them were jerks and absences. Jerks don't bother me that much unless they're in the back of my neck which nearly rips me off my feet or in my torso, and for whatever reason I never know when I'm having absences until my cognitiion is dropping off the scale or I can't type well, or if I'm talking to someone it starts seeming like a slide show because I usually cluster. My absences were clocked at 5-55 seconds. I apologize to others who have no idea what we're talking about but the explanation would be too long. Accept there are over 40 kinds of sz's, we're talking about a few kinds. My gosh how could your son ever have had full cognition? He just couldn't have. I have two learning disabilities yet I have 4 college degrees but I worked so hard for them, even got irritable bowel syndrome for a while and ulcers from the effort,. I could never figure out why it was harder for me than others. In my mid 30's I had to have testing to be a hospice nurse and that's when I found out. I was RELIEVED to find out I had learning disabilities. It explained so much. My disabilities are I don't "catch" new information unless I have excessive repetition. I also occasionally have "word salad" going both ways. My third, not two, I guess is, they call it a learning disabiblity, I have the typical "lost time". My GOSH I'm so happy your son got passed that. Really from posts I've read on an E forum, what a miracle.

My son has learning disabilities also. He's not delayed but struggles with school. Several of us fought and fought for a great program for learning disabled children that can be mainstreamed with additional help and finally got it just about the time he was failing school, his second semester, junior year. Right at that time finally they found a medication after trying many, we'd given up years ago, that helped him a lot with his severe ADHD too, one of his learning disabilities. It helps a lot but he doesn't like to take it. It makes his mouth excessively dry. We spent a year driving from one university to college after the other seeing what learning disabilitiy programs really were in place. Federal law mandates all upper level education has to have them, if they get federal funds, which all do, but in most cases we found it was a farce. But we did find one small college, better for him anyway with a terrific learning disaiblities program. He went for 1.5 years but joined a fraternity, was brutally hazed, some other horrible things from his fraternity "brothers", got traumatized, still is years later, and dropped out but he's an IT Manager now doing well and that's what counts.

I've tried Zarontin and had to go off of it. I think on Zarontin I kept going toxic even on miniscule doses. I can't remember anymore what did what to me. My gosh your doctor is a saint. What a dedicated man. Not just a doctor. Brought tears to my eyes you were so fortunate to find such a dedicated person. Pardon me but you must have gone through living hell. No, I could have never left my son or my dog when they have a sz. It made NO difference I was an RN. I was a terrified mother. Sometimes I think I was more frightened than others. Every single time I'd be watching that clock to see if and when I call an ambulance or rush him myself to the ER. My toes would be cramped afterwards. I never got used to it. My dog was controled. She's had two breakthroughs. All of hers are grand mals or complex partials, lasting always about 30 dangerous minutes and her vet says, drive her to our clinic. I am SO stressed out that is the worst time I should be driving but he doesn't seem to get it. My son was sz free for 6 years but stress is a killer for him, he has a hard time getting rid of it, it was prolonged, about 6 weeks and that started him sz'ing again. He's fairly well controled now though if he watches his triggers

[eeyorelover]

Hi Meggy -
Well first off let me say that if you are having a prob with the colors on NMP (I have a prob with light colors sometimes due to anxiety) you can select a different skin color up at the top of the screen. I don't know if any of the other colors up there will help but it's worth a try.
I can't believe that she wasn't more help to you - that city attorney lady (what a tool she is)!!!
Of course you can't leave your dog!!! That's terrible that they won't let her come with you - I thought that there was a law about service animals being allowed in places!!! Hmmm - I'll have to google that and let you know - lol :)
That tech should lose her job!! Boy some people are just ignorant!!!!!! Sorry but I can't stand people who can say something like words don't hurt. I used to say that if it was a choice between being hit and being degraded and other mental abuse, I'd rather be hit!!! Words can hurt worse than a fist sometimes. You know - sometimes when you meet someone like that you wonder how in the world anyone would allow them to work with people. I have a few choice words about her but I will keep them to myself to keep this post as clean as possible - lol
I sure hope you don't have to wait long for that check. When we were recieving SSI for my son - the check got lost in the mail and I think it took 2 weeks for them to issue a new one.
Oh I'll end on a positive note too then. Great news on getting the new CD - lol
talk to ya soon
xxx
Sandy

[Meggy]

Hi Sandy -
You're right, a service dog can go into any place and I rarely have problems. When I take her out with me she wears a special service dog halter that is red with black embroidery so it's very plain. I have been asked not to let her sit at the table in restaurants, which she wants to do, I see no problem with it, but if it's a problem for the estahblishment, I put her down or into a higchair. I rarely go out to eat that often anyway so that's not a huge problem. Walmart always has a tizzy but eventually always lets her in. I don't like people petting her especially when she's working, it's distracting, so I put her in the seat in restaurants next to me and frankly her manners are impeccable. But once in a while I'm stopped from bringing her into a food place usually. I carry her certification papers but it's like I'm talking to myself. There's no use in arguing. She is bathed once a month. More often is hard on a dog's skin. She's parasite free and according to service dog requirements in our state has to be checked by a recognized service dog vet every 3 months. She's probably healthier than most humans. Still once in a while, she's prohibited from entering somewhere. Twice getting her on an airplace, buying her a seat which at that time every airline stated was $50/per dog per seat, an established price, so whatza problem, was treacherous. I will not put her in the cargo hold, which once was a major fight. But I won. What I do tho if I have a problem is leave places that prohibit her. Then have the Board of Health who has a branch who certified her, call them. Her certification too is conditional since she has epilepsy but she's controled. If she wasn't, she'd loose her certification. She both alerts and assists so she's a major asset for me. I train dogs and have certifified 8 alert/assist dogs (one was a cat) for epileptics over the years. It takes quite a bit of time to find an alerter and a lot of time to train everything I have to do to get them certified. I have tight criteria what dogs I'll even look at, so I think I have done 8 in about that many years (and one cat who only alerts at night). Currently I've stopped doing this because it's too hard on my dog. I donated them to children, less vet costs but some sell them for around $5-7,000 and often, unfortunately, it's a scam. They don't alert. Only 5% of dogs do and of that, about 1/2 I've found are not suitable or trainable for the assist part. I'd like to charge, need the money, but know the financial crunch of parents with epi children too. I don't want to profit from them. My epileptologist screens extensively potential children/families. gives me a list of 3 to choose from, but they've had the same complains with some establishments not allowing the dog entrance or at least once in awhile. Oh well. There are turkeys everywhere that think they know the "rules", and don't.

I tried channg the skin then someone else tried using pastel script and it still is grippinginly bright pastel, darn't. It's ok. I run into this many places. I hate to leave here but all should not suffer for one. It's just too much for me. My self esteem just from problems, and chronic comments about E isn't so hot anyway, as you probably are aware most of us have that problem. Another problem I and many have is when someone writes in all caps. But I have heard of non-E's with this irritation too. I can't even read it. It goes 3D, separates, zooms at my face,and I'm down. It's a pain to have this, and I used to ask people to not use like moving icons. Some bother me, some don't. The WORST is that beating heart BTW. I see that for maybe 2 seconds. Requesting people not to use pastels, moving icons and all caps? That caused a major stink on a forum that I don't want to cause again, so I just remove myself. Personally I can't see why some moving icons, all caps or pastels is SO important to some, but apparently it is. So I leave.

I thought, I'm not even going to post this but why not. I'm on a roll. This technician that is do

[stu]

why is it taking so long for me to recover from years of emotional and mental abuse from my ex? - i am a counsellor dammit!!

I find myself now maintaining an overtight comfort zone -not wanting to go out and face workplace situations. No paid work because of the effects on my confidence and panic attacks. fearing what will happen next to throw me -all a bit much really

stu

[Meggy]

I can't answer that Stu, I don't know myself. I've been married twice, both have been abusive in different ways. My first husband continued to pursue me, really weird and dramatic things after I divorced him and wouldn't stop. I divorced him 25 years ago and I finally in part because of him, moved out of the area. It helped me finally rid that monster from my mind and life

Since my current husband, who is quite ill but apparently not ill enough to abuse me when I was having a seizure after I'd thought of it, has one conviction for assault on me, and 3 investigations that I got him out of but I know he was guilty of pulled some other shenanigans on me lately? I filed charges finally. I feel like I can't leave him in his current health condition and my financial struggles but maybe he would have wished I did. I told him the last time I filed a complaint if he ever did that again I'd file charges every time, and I wasn't doing it. I wasn't sticking with it, and then he loaded me up with more crap. He has a court date. We're still living together but it's not too cozy. I told him I wouldn't desert him with his devastating heart disease but I told him long before I will not put up one more time being abused when I'm seizing. And I was allowing it, because he's ill. He's denying it, but the city attorney has told me with one conviction and 3 investigations where the reports read I denied he abused me in a seizure because really, I just couldn't believe at that time he would, I was real confused about that at the time, and didn't want the mess, didn't want to face he might have, I talked the hospital who reported it into dropping their request for an investigation. I don't know what will happen now since he is so ill but he does have one prior conviction. Frankly? He made a bad decision and that's going to have to be his problem. But he is FOR SURE treating me solicitously now. What DID make me mad and I told the city attorney so, is she explained to me like I was in primer school that abusing a spouse with a chronic illness like I have, epilepsy, is quite common. Like she was excusing him. I bounced her on that one, that really made me angry. And THAT has been the attitude and lack of support I've experienced from the law when I begged them to help me in my first abusive marriage. When that SOB shot the windows out over my children's beds when they were sleeping and I was grabbing them like sacks and stuffing them under their beds so they wouldn't get shot andall the police did was have a talk with him? I knew I was on my own. Knowing that set in some real trauma for me, and my own loaded gun.

I'm still not over my child abuse I'm finding out with my new therapist. I have NO idea when people get over the trauma of abuse. I do think getting quality and appropriate help is helping me a lot. I don't expect a total recovery though.

Good luck.

Meggy