Help! I am very miserable...

[ana]

Hi everyone! I am 16 and half and have 2 more years 'till I leave school and that means that I will have to spend more years in this class. The teachers are ok, but students are not.. They're very compatitive and they want to be the best in everything. Take my friend Sanja for example: She makes me copy all my notebooks because she can't catch what the teachers are saying, then when I ask her to do sth for me she does it unwillingly and she also gets mad a lot. Last week she cried because I got a better mark and she was mad the whole day!
I know that I should probably talk to her but I don't want to fight with her and by doing so make my days at school even worse that they are. Like it's not enough that I panic there!...
Please help[:X]
Ana

[april tones]

my advice would be she isnt a friend and not to bother with her. She will soon realise she is being silly,ive typed email to you which i will send tmw some time, long story why i have to send on different network. take care, love aprilxx

apriltones

[sal]

Hi Ana

With pressure of school you dont need a friend who will pull you down for your good points. Believe in yourself and remember that you are in control here, she obviously needs you a lot more that you need her. I know you wont want to hurt or upset her but you have good qualities that are making you get the good marks, so remember it is down to you and if she can only cope by copying and relying on you, that isnt a true friendship. We love our friends because they love us, no conditions, just because we are close and get on. Be strong hon and whenever you want to talk we are here.

Take care



Sal xxxx

[silentcalligraph]

Is she making life at school for you in any way easier? Does she help you cope with the panic? Even if she did it's not an excuse for her behaviour. Robert Louis Stevenson said: A friend is a gift you give yourself. Keep in mind that by taking back control over the situation and putting an end to the emotional abuse you will gain back some feeling of empowerment and it will make you feel better. And quite frankly you're also behaving like a true friend by telling her that you won't accept this sort of behaviour any longer - if she's truly your friend she will appreciate that. Maybe she'll needs some time before she can acknowledge you were right - if she can't she's hardly someone I would like to have as friend. You posted this in the depression section - and depression is often caused by repressed anger. You have a right to be angry and you have a right to look after yourself.

[ana]

Hello everyone!
Thank you for your replies. Sanja is not making my life easier, she is just making me feel miserable. When I get depressed I can't study and next to her who studies all day long, it makes me feel bad. Sometimes I just want to quit our friendship because there are lot of people around me who will be able to understand my feelings, not just my panic.
But, Sanja suffered a lot in her life, she has a father who doesn't care about her, he doesn't talk to her mother because she is of other religion and she has many complexes (she is not handsome and pretty at all). So, everytime we have an argument I think of her sad life and simply don't wanna fight with her... Am I right? Or should I turn around to other people?
Hope to hear from you soon
Love
Ana

[silentcalligraph]

Feelings of guilt are never a good basis for any relationship, they are a seed bed for resentment. It's not your fault that she has a difficult life and therefore you don't need to make amends to her. You can be a good friend by helping her boost her self-confidence with regards to her looks for example. You can listen to her grief -without getting dragged into it. You can try to help her develop more effective learning skills, if all that studying is not helping there must be something wrong with her general approach to learning - letting her copy your notes is not going to help (I've worked as a teacher). The amount of time somebody's dedicating to studies does not say much. A lot of students waste time with wrong technics. If you score good grades with less studying you don't have to feel guilty about that either.

Those are all things friends can do for each other - it's important to know where the limits of friendship are. Exploitation and abuse are definite limits - don't allow her to make you feel guilty for her life. Going down that route is hardly beneficial to either of you. On the other hand there's no reason to finish a friendship you have cherished for a long time but I think some distance would help both of you to sort out your feelings. Give yourself some space - no need to rush and find another best friend. You might figure out that she's the person you would really like to be in that position once things have calmed down. I have had the same best friend for over 20 years now and there have been periods when we had rough arguments, quarrels and sometimes we were not in contact at all for a while. But in the end your best friend is a bit like home - you always come back.

[seh1980]

Hi Ana,

It sounds like your friend is really making your life at school miserable. Like you said, you already have enough to deal with with the panic attacks - you don't need this as well!!! You said that your friend has had a hard life and that's why you don't want to argue with her or break-off your friendship. I understand that but surely your friend also needs to consider the tough time you are going through with panic attacks??? It seems that you are looking out for her but she isn't doing the same for you. Maybe you should judt sit down and talk to her nicely and explain your position. If she's a true friend, she will be bound to understand.
Take care.
Sarah (seh1980)

[ana]

Dear Friends,
Thank you for replying.
I have decided to talk to her. I shall grab thr first chance to get her alone. But, I keep postponing it... I'm horrible :-)
I just don't want to fight 'cause I know she will make a huge drama of a whole thing.
Anyway, worth to try.
Ana
xxx