View Full Version : H-OCD??
Hi
I am a 17 year old male, an believe I may be suffering with OCD relating to homosexual thoughts among other things and was wondering if you could give me any clarification as to whether I am struggling with this or am just using this as an excuse to hide my true feelings.
It all seemed to start about 9 months ago when a person at my college asked me if I was gay. My response was to say no and I had never even given this a second thought up until this point. The thought stuck in my mind. 'Am I Gay?' 'Why is this bothering me so much?' I began to think about this constantly, I was unable to take my mind off the thoughts at all and they seemed to just be continuously at the front of my mind. I had a girlfriend at the time (I will get on to that later) we had a very honest relationship and so I explained to her what was happening and we discussed it and fortunately the thoughts seemed to go. I thought at the time that it was just a normal teenagers worry although i was concerned about the seemingly irrational amount of time I spent worrying about it.
6-7 months later, I was thinking about my girlfriend (I was extremely happy with her and she was with me, we had been together about 18months at the time) when all of a sudden I began to think about one of my friends (girl), we were quite close but it had never been anythin more than friends for either of us. This thought went away quite quickly (about a day or so) but the thought of whether i truly loved my girlfriend stayed with me, this thought would not go, it was constantly in my mind and severely affected my college work, missed almost every lesson, had to force myself to eat properly, slept a lot more than usual, the thoughts were so constant they made me extremely tired however I would always wake up early (approx 1-2 hours earlier than usual) I again discussed these things with my girlfriend but this time I could not get rid of the thoughts at all. In the end I broke up with my girlfriend as I felt I had no other way of getting rid of these thoughts. (Thoughts lasted about 3 weeks)
These thoughts suprisingly did seem to go away (I question whether I made the right decision sometimes however they are not as disabling as before) I am still in constant contact with my ex girlfriend and she is still my main support and guide through all of this. We have talked about getting back together and things like that but I am frightened that all that would happen is the thoughts would return and I would end up hurting her again.
After I had broken up with her, approx 3 months ago, I thought to myself that sooner or later I was going to go back through the 'Am I gay?' phase again. As im sure you can guess, I was right. After obesessing (for about 3 days) about whether I wanted to go out with another one of my friends (girl again), it hit me, a constant nagging in my mind about whether I am gay or not, questioning whether I really do find that attractive girl across the street atractive or whether id rather really be with the guy behind her! I am a very big soccer fan and often play on a sunday night, however since these thoughts have began I do not go for fear that it will make the thoughts worse. The thoughts about being gay do not make me happy, the thought of being with another guy does not cause me pleasure. My thought pattern however will go something like, 'you don't wanna be with another guy', 'You do really, your just pretending to yourself you don't'. If I see a guy I won't find them attractive.. except the thoughts will kick in 'why did you look at him?' 'you wouldn't do that if you dodn't want to be with a guy'. I do now try to avoid situations where I think these thoughts will be worsened. The thoughts however are always in my mind somewhere and over the past month or so they have been predominantly at the front of my mind. I do not seem to have worse days and better days but I do seem to have the thoughts very badly for a few days/weeks straight, then they fade for a while, then they come back again.
I have also had some other thoughts however these
Hi Calv,
I can understand how upsetting this is for you.
The genetic worry may have been making this worry worse. The figures published do alter but the most quoted recently are an overall risk to first-degree relatives of schizophrenics of 3.2%. So that's much better news than previously thought a few decades ago. It's also thought there may a much bigger environmental component than previously acknowledged- which is essentially learned behaviour that you may have witnessed Mum and her fire checking.
It doesn't sound like you are having hallucinations or delusions which are the main diagnostic criteria. Just don't go telling the psychologist that your internal thought debates are 'voices' as some people have and got misdiagnosed ! If you don't want to wait that long and can afford it you could go privately for a one off session. You will probably get more time with them to explain things better which is important. When the NHS appoint comes up do take a written precis of what you want to say and what you want to get out of it as you may be nervous and find appropriate words hard to find .
Did you want the referral or did your GP ? They weren't very concerned anyway or you would have been seen within a week if he in any way thought you were, or could be a danger .
With any mental irregularity be it panic, depression, anxiety obsessive thoughts play a major role in starting and keeping us in the pattern- most of us here can associate with being plagued with disturbing or unwanted thoughts.
I was working on an ITU when the Beverley Allitt thing was on and I can remember reading the White Paper on it which was incredibly explicit. Every single one of us had a morbid wish to read it though. The discussions that ensued were amazing. It was obvious that most of us had thoughts after reading it that it was soo easy to do and when you're in total control of people and drugs our worries were people reading into things that weren't there and we were watching each other so carefully . We all ensured for weeks after that nearly everything we did was witnessed. On one shift of 8 of us, it transpired that we had all thought ' what if' .. each with our own what if that plagued us. That all passed though as the days went by and the topic became old news.
So thoughts are normal , whether you can dismiss them with a concious reality check is one of the two main issues ...the other being - do these thoughts scare you or comfort you.
I can associate with not wanting extra compounding of these by watching anything and I'm sure I'm not the only one. Gary often says - it's only a film- but someone wrote it, I say- what else goes on in their mind ...and I think I've got problems !
The gay issue is another thought led worry. Only you know whether it does bring you any joy or comfort. Perhaps you could go anonymously onto a chatroom, get a gay mag and see whether you associate with anything that goes on there . It's likely from what you say that these too are only stuck obsessive thoughts leading to lively internal debates.
I don't know whether that helps at all Calv ?
Do post again
Meg
Watch your thoughts, they become your words...
Watch your words, they become your actions... Watch your actions, they become your habits... Watch your habits, they become your character... Watch your character, it becomes your destiny...
Thankyou for your response, it is nice to know that someone has spent the time to read my story and to respond.
It seems when it comes to the gay thing I exhaust one thought (not by finding a solution more by it just not havin any quetions left) and the next one relating to the subject will come along for example, 'You looked at that guy over there, you must fancy him'.. I'll think about that for a while, thought will seem really real, will feel very depressed over it maybe even slightly physically sick and then my tolerance seems to build to it, the problem is, as soon as my tolerance builds to that another thing will come along and kick me back down e.g 'You really want to watch gay pornography' again I will repeat the process.
From my reading online I seem to get strage messages, i'll read get all the information you can about OCD the more you know the better, the second saying the more information you gather the more questions you will have. My biggest fear is that I do not have OCD and am going to have to come to face my 'true' self, this thought genuinely terrifies me. I get no pleasure out of the thought of being gay although my mind will tell me that im just in denial and really i want it. I know from my research that this is a very common sign but obviously its hard to say for certain thats the case for me, particularly now i know about OCD. My ex girlfriend said to me that the thoughts caused you so much discomfort you researched factors which could affect them without you actually being gay, she has 1 or 2 gay friends and says they would never have done that. That gave me some short term relief but it doesn't last, again i know this is common for OCD but i believe would also be common if the issue was real.
I have done some very silly things in trying to defeat this such as online gay tests (all of which said i was straight), looking at guys to check if i find them attractive, looking at girls to see if i find them attractive. The two latter of these can be seen in some treatments (Behavioural therapy) and also as a compulsive ritual. I would say mine was the latter as the aim is to get some relief! The truth is the thought of being with another guy is the worst thought I can think of. I have a very slight cancer scare which I am also waiting to get checked out properly and if i were gay then I would much rather this cancer be a terminal illness. I know that sounds really stupid but it is the level of discomfort I get from these thoughts!
At the moment I am considering if there is anything about me, either present or past tht suggests I am gay and also if im just using OCD as a cover.
Again thankyou for your response, you cannot begin to imagine how good it feels to know somebody cares.
Calv
I completely forgot your question im my ramblings!
The doctor referred me without me asking him to. I had previously read about OCD though and have since worried that perhaps I influenced his decision by making things sound worse than they were (In truth I think I probably made them sound better!)
Calv
Hiya Calv,
I'm no expert but from reading your posts it appears that they are obsessional thoughts.
You say that the thought of being with a bloke is the worst thing you could think of.
I would have thought that, had you been gay, this would have been the BEST thing you could think of!
As I said, I'm no expert, these are just my thoughts after reading the information you have provided.
Kate x
Hi Calv and Welcome,
It sounds to me (an outsider looking in) as if someone has planted a seed of doubt and that has lead you to question your sexuality.
These seeds of doubt are quite a normal part of growing up, the worst thing you can do is worry yourself to death over them. As is the "do I love this person enough to say with them?"
You are finding your path in life, and there is nothing wrong with that at all.
I know people who are 100% straight and have entered in to a gay relationship. It doesn't mean they are gay, it is just a form of experimentation, and that too is a normal part of finding your pathway in life.
I think it is great that you have spoken to your girlfriend about your worries. Very brave indeed. I know people who would never have done that in a million years, and just waited for the flustration of not talking to drive them apart, rather than confront it head on.
Attractivity is in the eye of the beholder. There is nothing wrong with looking at people, be they male or female, and thinking, hey that person looks great. Just because you find someone attractive it doesn't mean you want to sleep with them and it doesn't mean you are gay, just because you think the person sitting in front of you has beautiful hair and looks well groomed.
Many people avoid things on tv, films or in books, so in that respect that is nothing to worry either. I for one just can not watch medical drama. I know people who love it, but for me, It fills me with dread, the accident waiting to happen in casualty. (And we know it is going to happen or the programme would be called something else.) Or someone being taken in to hospital with some horrid complaint, then spending the next few days or so thinking about a slight twinge (which you would never have noticed anyway, or would have put down to a stitch) which just so happens to relate to the disorder you were watching on tv the night before.
The next thing you know - bang! You are filled with fear and dread that you have some thing horrid.
I think seeking professional advice on your worries is an excellent plan.
Be sure to tell the person you see exactly what is bothering you and why.
Good luck
Love, light and Best wishes
Liz xxx
[:p] Panic Monster & Scatty Eccentric
Hi again guys, thanks for all your responses. This issue does seem to be worse and better during the day, atm its difficult but bareable, however I woke up during the night and earlier this morning and I even found my breathing difficult! The fear I was going through was more than id ever experienced in the past! I am now terrified to look at other males for fear this will confirm my thoughts! Im even scared to look at females for fear I won't be attracted to them and this will confirm my thoughts. I know that with all this fear and worry it wouldnt be normal for me to not find females as attractive as I normally would as the fear would get in the way, with arousal and anxiety being independent things! Anyway im battling on but I seem to be generally deteriorating! Im now scared to see the psychologist for fear that they will try to tell me im in denial and try to convince me to come to terms with the 'new' me! I read that a very common thing with this is it comes out of the blue and makes no sense as its like an overnight change in direction! Thats what happened to me! Perfectly happy heterosexual and then BANG! doubts everywhere! Anyway thanks for all your help guys! Anythin else you can offer will be greatly appreciated!
Calv
Calv,
The worst thing about obsessional thoughts is that they are with you every waking minute of your day.
You go over and over the same questions in your mind, arriving at different answers each time. This then leads to further questioning,further answers and so the thoughts go on and on....
When the question of your sexuality first was mentioned, were you under a lot of stress anyway?
If you were, then this question could just have been the extra stress factor needed to really tip you over the edge.
I have a fear of violence which I have suffered with for many years, but which has got worse over the last 5 years or so.
I will not go many places for the fear of either being involved in an act of violence against me or witnessing an act of violence against anyone else.
This also causes me great embarassment. Not the kind of thing you can explain to friends or neighbours is it?
But, the point I'm trying to make, is that I also think of this ALL of the time.
I work through different thoughts in my mind, coming to different conclusions every time.
My life revolves round whether I can go places etc or whether they are deemed to be high risk for violence.
I have put all of my anxiety into this fear. Could it be possible that all your stress and anxiety has been put onto your fear of being gay even though you feel that you are not?
Perhaps your best course of action at the moment would be to stop reading anything to do with being gay or connected with OCD.
I know that it is all too easy with the internet to obtain too much information which leads to more questioning and more reading to attempt to get more answers.
How about giving yourself a break from the reading for a period of time and then review your feelings?
Just a suggestion because of course it is your decision how you wish to approach the situation.
Keep us posted, Calv
Kate x
Hi Calv
From what you describe it sounds to me like you are having obsessional thoughts. It is common to have thoughts such as these with OCD and I have experienced them myself. I sometimes worry that I might not love my boyfriend with no basis for these thoughts - much like you. I have also worried that I could hurt people and used to hide scissors and stuff just in case - they were described by my therapist as common intrusive thoughts.
Whether you are gay or straight does not really seem to be the issue, the issue is that you are obsessively thinking about it. But you have realised this is the case and the first step is realising that these are unwanted thoughts - the next step is learning to ignore them.
Good luck and I hope we can help you here.
Emily
Hey twister, thanks for the message, someone who has experienced the same problem as I have is particularly comforting to hear from (not that the other people weren't, you've all been great!). I often think if I could say for certain that these thoughts were OCD that would cure my problem, deep down I know that isn't the case at all! but it can feel like it! Is that common?! The thing I am scared of atm is that it is OCD but I could still be gay! Then its like a double edged sword! I have read that this is nomrlally however not the case!? I never really used to understand mental illnesses, I could never see why my mum was so depressed n why she got so down and upset. I think I understand that now and it is much easier to cope with her when she is like that so in that way this suffering I am going through is kind of good!
Thanks again for the post
Calv
Two simple questions guys, can OCD make you feel as if your not attracted to females? and from the info ive given you, do you think im gay?
Hi Calv
Deep down you know that we can't possibly tell you if you are gay or not. Becuase you are so worried or 'obsessed' with it I'd suggest that you are probably not though, but if you are is it that terrible?
If I were you I would try and ignore the sexuality issue for a few months whilst you sort your head out. Once you are more relaxed you will see things in a clearer way.
Keep posting
Emily
Being gay to me seems like just about the worst thing I can possibly imagine. I know that makes me sound homophobic but i don't think I am, it just doesn't feel like its me.
Sounds like you're answering your own question.
We are the sexuality we are, because we are attracted to a gender and derive some pleasure from being intimate.
Meg
"Come to the edge."
"We can't. We're afraid."
"Come to the edge."
"We can't. We will fall!"
"Come to the edge."
And they came.
And he pushed them.
And they flew.
- Guillaume Apollinaire
Is it not possible that I would feel like I did not want to be gay but actually be gay?! Like do all gays not think that it is a horrible thing for them until they accept it? Im confused on that, that might really offend gay people if thats not the case and they never think its a horrible thing so if i have offended people then im really sorry, I just need to know these things so im not so tortured by this.
april tones
31-03-04, 19:22
hi calv, your story sounds alot like mine but nothing to do with my sexuality. Thoughts of sex with my fiancee popped in my head when i was playing with my baby and since then all sorts off thoughts come into my head, like i shouldnt think of things like that around him, im dirty, etc. Also constanltly worry about accidently hurting him since i accidently bumped his head. It is vicious circle. im on tablets now which has helped alot, they are still there occasionly but im stronger to cope, least we allmknow we not on our own thanks to this wonderfull site, take care, april
apriltones
Gav,
I don't know if you are gay or not but you hear of people getting married etc because they do not want to be gay! Whilst society today accepts gays it is something different and I think (men in particular) may have trouble admitting it to themeselves
It does sound to me though that you are getting very upset about the whole 'gay' thing and dwelling on it therefore listening to that niggling voice (your wee gremlin) that you are gay!!! and therefore making the thoughts 'worsen'
Everyone gets intrusive thoughts but it is when we listen to them and start really worrying about them that is the problem
I have had such thoughts and even though I knew I would never hurt anyone etc the thoughts still bothered me a great deal and I ended up thinking I was some sort of madperson and i was very scared I was going insane!!! Only with the help of my health visitor and a CBT therapist did I realize what they were and learned to let them go.
If you are gay I would imagine you would be aware and find yourself really fancing men (not just argueing with yourself in your head about it) and it would get very apparent to yourself soon.
I agree with Emily if you are gay it isn't so terrible but I can imagine you are very confused and are getting pretty upset about it.
I don't think you are homophobic but scared that your life may be 'different' I don't think that is possibly a normal reaction and I'm sure people will not be offended.
I hope this made some sense
take Care
lucky
'Like do all gays not think that it is a horrible thing for them until they accept it?'
I've got a few gay friends and they all report having the opposite ie being really attracted to men from very young and thinking that they should be attracted to women and worrying about whether to follow their instincts which were clearly pointing towards that bloke from an early age, rather than the fit chick at school and really trying to fight it outwardly but inwardly knowing all along form aged 9 or so.
One friend who's Dad is very anti Gay knew that he could never tell his parents and it was hard to practice, but he just knew through every pore of his being that he was gay.
There was no doubt in his heart but he had to be seen doing the girl scene and did struggle on with it for several years until he couldn't pretend any longer. He says it was the most awful thing for him being intimately close to a girl.
He's now in a great long term gay relationship and planning one of these civil gay 'marriage' ceremonies and I'm thrilled for him.
Meg
"Come to the edge."
"We can't. We're afraid."
"Come to the edge."
"We can't. We will fall!"
"Come to the edge."
And they came.
And he pushed them.
And they flew.
- Guillaume Apollinaire
I have lots of gay friends too and they all say they 'knew' from a very young age. I think you know your sexuality deep down. It is simple - do you fancy men, women or both!
Emily
It does sound simple your right. This is the fourth time ive had these constant nagging thoughts that made me doubt. All three other times the thoughts have significantly calmed down, im not sure if they went completely or not but they didn't affect how I was and stuff. Ive always been attracted to girls and throughout my life everytime I looked at guys none were more or less attractive than any other I just knew that I didn't want to be with any of them like that! It seems like when I get these thoughts a switch has been flipped in my mind and there they are! Constant, nagging, terrifying and scarily real feeling thoughts! When the thoughts aren't constantly on my mind I feel no attraction to males at all and feel very attracted to females, when the thoughts are there my attraction to females seems to drop off and I get really anxious as though I really am attracted to males! Was put on tablets three days ago (Fluoxetine 20mg/d) the doctor warned me that over the first few days/weeks the thoughts may gain in strength and seem more realistic before the medication helps? Does anyone know if thats right? Ive got an appointment with a psychologist now but its a month away!!
Calv
Yes it is right , thy can take a while to settle down, gets easier as the days go by .
I havent been on for a while but I thought I should update, recently my tablets have seemed to help a lot with my thoughts and I feel much more like my normal self! Im not 100% but im significantly improved! thankyou all for your help
Calv
nomorepanic
26-04-04, 21:17
Calv
Good to hear from you again - nice to see people coming back to give us an update.
I am pleased that things look better for you now.
Keep us posted won't you?
Nicola
am glad to hear you are getting better!!!:D
Emily
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