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Anonymous Story

I’m 24 and had my first panic attack 6 months ago, it is hard to pin point exactly what has caused this as there has been so many troubles in my life. My natural Mother was an alcoholic so my sister and I were put in to care when I was about 2, we went from family to family in foster care until we got adopted when I was 5, as far as I can remember life was good until I turned to my teenage years. I think that my adopted Dad couldn’t stand the fact that his little girl was growing up, so what did he do, he turned to violence and mental abuse, making me feel useless, fat, ugly etc

.. It came to ahead when I was 16 and he was hitting me when I called the police, he physically threw me out the house, no shoes, the police picked me up and took me to a supported accommodation unit. Well it just got worse, I met a guy in the same area and moved in with him, biggest mistake of my life, again he physically and mentally abused me, it took me 4 and half yrs to leave him, moving to different area.

Then life was good for a year being single and loving it thinking I was the strongest person alive when really it was all eating away at me. I moved to a different part of the country and fell in love with the most kindest caring man I will ever meet in my lifetime. We moved in together but then tragedy struck. A very close friend committed suicide, reasons still unknown, but you blame yourself don't you. Then 8 wks later I find out that my natural mother has died through her drinking, I only met her the twice and the last time I seen her I was sixteen and she was drunk, 8 yrs ago.

I thought I had coped and grieved for both people, obviously not.

One year later it hit me hard, their anniversary was more difficult to deal with than their initial death, but again I got on with it thinking I was my usual strong self. And then it happened, I felt fine, went shopping on my lunch hour, got into Boots the chemist, bent down to get a product and stood up, I have never felt so weird, I thought I was going to collapse in a pile and die, an ambulance was eventually called and I was taken to hospital. It took 2 months and my 5th visit to a new doctor for them to finally diagnose me with anxiety caused through depression. I was put on medication, but didn't like the side effect so I stopped taking it, I was off work for about 2 months, I have now changed jobs which has made it easier.

My problem now is that I feel the anxiety is still there every day, I don't think I was given the correct help. I can't travel anywhere, well I can but not without torturing myself first, I am supposed to be going London soon for the day through my work and I am absolutely dreading it, I know I'll be fine but I cant get these thoughts out of my head.

I do feel 100% better than I was, but it will be nice to wake up one day and not panic about anything.