No More Panic > Blog > Malv’s story

Malv’s story

My whole life even as a kid I was involved in a Water Gardening business and when I turned 16 I was able to work and get paid for it . I was working untill age 20, the last 2 years I was there I worked 7 days a week 13 hours a day… it was like a drug to me.. at that time i was a manager of a certain department and a sales rep .. I was always getting a raise it became a game to me, everytime I made more money for the company my boss would be happy and I’d get a pat on the back and a raise lol

Well as time went by I met a woman who lived in Australia.. we were talking for awhile then I decided to go on holiday to Australia, so I took a month off, my boss was holding my job for me of course.. Anyways I went on holiday and well I knew I liked to work.. I didnt think that I NEEDED to work…. I guess for me it became an addiction.. anyways a couple of weeks off I started getting very very extreemly depressed my wife at the time didnt know what was going on.. i started to drink heavily … and normaly I never really drank, I was always busy with work .. then a few days later after grocery shopping I was in a taxi taking home everything I just bought when I started feeling weird in the chest, I felt as if I couldn’t breathe.. then I started feeling very very hot my face turned red they told me , I had pressure in my wrists and my vision went all blury… I thought I was having a heart attack… so did the people I was with in the taxi, they could feel my heart beating through my chest and my pulse.. it wasnt normal… anyways they rushed me to the hospital and my blood presure was dangerously high .. they gave me all kinds of tests.. I was having a panic attack , they gave me a pill that slowed my blood pressure down (I cant remember what it was) anyways they only gave me 1 … I went home that night thinking it was only a one time thing.. It was a very rough day .. anyways later on that night it happened again after having intercourse with my wife … all though I stepped out of the room because I didn’t want her to know it was happening again.. I went and sat down in the lounge room and i tried to keep calm, I thought maybe the doctors were wrong and there was something wrong with my heart.. I slept on and off that night for about 10 minutes each time.. it was horrible I thought I’d feel better in the morning… Anyways morning came I felt miserable.. family took me to my GP who put me on ativan, that seemed to be the only thing that could help me at that time.. I starting making a habbit with that drug I had to pop pills every 2 hours just to feel normal..

My holiday was over and it was time to go home .. so I got on the plane (with my Ativan ofcourse) ..made it home, my job was waiting for me… I wasn’t the same I couldn’t concentrate, I couldn’t sell like I used to, not to mention I would still have minor panic attacks .. they wouldnt last long because I was popping pills like a mad man.. my boss didn’t wanna let me go .. he said I had done too much for the company and he knew I was going through a rough time in my life.. so instead he sent me to the country to work in green houses growing plants where I didn’t have to work with customers.. it was a less stressful environment .. so now I was working in green houses growing plants, I also worked less hours because I would get tired very easily .. I was always seeing my GP .. one day I went to see him )i have been seeing him my whole) so he talked to me like a friend .. he said Andrew .. look I cant keep giving you these meds.. you need to get some help this is the last bottle of pills I can give you… I just sat there for awhile .. I said okay I understand.. I went got my pills and decided I was going to take myself off them by taking less and less at a time instead of popping 3 every 2 hours (yes 3 i know i was a mess). I started taking 1 every 2 hours then every 2 days take less than that.. anyways the time came when I was down to my last pill… I was a bit scared I made a appointment to see a Psychiatrist , he started me out on something new (I can’t remember the name of the med) Anyways I started taking that for about a week, at the time I was feeling very weird, I felt like I was blacking out a lot. One time I remember I was alone in my room… I remember I felt pinned down to my bed.. I still honestly don’t know to this day what happened .. I tried my hardest to move but I couldn’t.. I knew everything what was going on, but I felt helpless; I couldn’t move anything, I felt heavy, I saw everything in my room but I couldn’t move … I went back to my Psychiatrist and told him what I felt..(though I never told anyone close to me) he took me off the meds straight away.. he didn’t say much about what happened.. infact he didn’t say anything, but he did say ..”don’t take these anymore, throw them out”… so I did.

He gave me something else, I started taking that, and I didnt feel any better, I was still always in a panic, barley able to work. One morning I woke up with blood all over my pillow… I freaked out.. jumped out of bed.. I tasted blood in my mouth…I ran into the bathroom tried to see where it was coming from .. it was coming from my nose, so I made an emergency appointment to see my GP and he did not know what was wrong, I told him how bad it was he checked my blood pressure, which was pretty high because I was always stressed and in a panic, he said that all he can think of is my blood presure was high and that caused the nose bleed. After that I was so fed up with meds and doctors, Psychiatrists .. whatever .. I just stopped taking all the meds they gave me.. I said to myself okay lets see what these panic attacks can do to me. When I felt them coming on, I didn’t try to stop them, I wanted to feel every little feeling it could make me feel .. it was like exploring .. I would feel the worst it could do… and I kept doing that over and over, any time I felt it ..I’d let it do it’s worst… I’d think to myself come on show me what you got .

One day they just disapeared. Don’t get me wrong I still do panic at times and, I have really bad health anxiety issues , only difference now is, I don’t really let it interfere in the things I like to do.. I have a lot better control over it now.. but I do have my bad days still, trust me.. I know this turned out to be a whole life but you said you were new to this .. we have had our own experiences with this disorder I’m sharing mine with you and hoping it helps you in some kind of way.