(Real event) ocd coming and going every few months?

Quick heads up, there’s mentions of suicide below so if you’re sensitive to that, please make sure to think of your own mental health first and not read! Thanks!

Hi, recently my ocd’s been acting up big time and I’m now suicidal because of it. It last came in december and then quieted down after discussing with my therapist, then in the months between then and now I suffered from major health anxiety, and now it’s come seemingly out of nowhere. In december it was triggered by something specific, but other than that the only pattern I see is that it hits whenever I’m finally starting to gain even some minimal amount of self confidence and actually consider standing up for myself when people hurt my feelings (which I never do). In early 2016 I had a breakup which then resulted in me being so depressed I couldn’t eat for four days. After I was finally starting to get over that, realizing how badly I was treated in the relationship and gaining self confidence, believing that I was enough on my own, my real event ocd hit and I once again went back to suicidal, feeling like I didn’t deserve to live, comparing myself to Hitler etc. I then went on to suffer from intrusive thoughts for a long time, despising myself in the process.

Now recently, a particular family member continued the age old pattern of treating me, let’s just say not well, and I finally felt a need to stand up for myself, which didn’t end up working out, but I finally allowed myself to feel angry, which I never do. Not long after this my real event ocd hit, making me feel like I don’t deserve to ever stand up for myself as I feel like I don’t even deserve to be alive.

The thing is, during these periods of time where I’m doing fine with my ocd, nothing new ever happens, I gain no new information on myself as far as I know - but when it hits, I go from feeling okay about myself to completely losing myself, not seeing myself for my personality but only for the guilt - and it all happens in an extremely short period of time.

Point is, does anyone else suffer from real event ocd coming and going like this? I feel insane, I get suicidal so fast and I can’t tell anyone I wanna die as I don’t wanna worry them and there’s nothing they could do to help anyways, my psychotherapist is currently on holiday which is why I’m ranting on here. For the record, I don’t actually consider/plan on suicide as there’s really special people I don’t wanna leave behind (of course I don’t feel like I deserve any of them) and as I’ve lost someone to suicide before, I don’t want my loved ones to feel even the tiniest bit of what I felt.