Psychotherapy and me

Lots of posts in here, people are asking what the best therapy for treatment is. And really there is no answer for that, only opinions. I am a big advocate of therapy. When you think about doing it on your own, you're trying to accurately evaluate and heal your our own brain function with the very same organ. Its like trying to fix a tool box with a tool box!?

I have experienced depression and very accute anxiety since I was very young, particularly since my teens. Like many people here I had some very traumatic experiences growing up.

My emotions have nearly always been up and down, feeling confident one day and feeling despair another, from hyper to anxious to very depressed. Always there has been an over riding feeling of emptiness and as if the world I was living in was not quite real. I have often felt scared, insecure and vulnerable. Othertimes very aggressive and angry. This instability, change of mood and lack of solid personal identity has caused much difficulty in making and maintaining relationships, particularly lovers but equally friends and family. My main experience of socializing is a general feeling paranoia and fear about people, feeling people were annoyed or disliked me immediately, feeling under constant threat. Fearing being abandoned or rejected or being alone, or attacked and bullied. I have pretty much been in turmoil since I can remember. All the while trying to live a normal life and not let others know how much I am suffering underneath.

I have never really experienced being happy, or even just calm and at one with the world around me. Yet despite all of this, I have always felt I could find a way out. I have always recognised much of the above are delusions however horrible the reality of experiencing them might feel.

I've tried several therapies over the years. I have seen counselors, I have studied and been treated by NLP. I have done EFT (briefly), several different kinds of hypnotherapy, medication, CBT, getting drunk (and taking drugs), psychologist, the landmark forum and read enough self help books that I could probably run my own guru seminar. None of it worked (for me). :) Although much of it helped and possibly propelled me towards finding what ultimately does work for me..

Last year my anxiety came back with vengeance, now in my early 30's it was really wearing thin and despite the length of my experience of this. A girl I was dating was training to be a psychotherapist and she introduced me to the guy that was teaching her in a clinical university.

I have been seeing him for a year now. The impact this man has had on me has been profound. I spent the first few months crying in almost every session. Something I had not really been able to do before, let my guard down. Its allowed me to get to the bottom of some of the origins, but also see some of the patterns of behaviour which support the cycle. Along with some of the conflicts that underlie it all, the things you can't see on your own.

I now see depression and anxiety as symptoms of deeper wounds, those wounds have been given a space to exist, to be acknowledged and recognized. And some of the anxiety and stories which would plague me aren't there any more, or they have softened.

Much like an onion, you peel off one layer to reveal another, after the anxiety is depression, under the depression is anger, under the anger is fear, under the fear is sadness. etc. And it takes time to get through all this and its a fair amount of work.

Its obvious you need to really bond with your therapist and have complete trust in their training and their nature. So do your research to find the right one. In fact I would go so far as saying the relationship you have with the therapist is almost as important as the modality of therapy. I paid for mine, it costs £80 a session, which is top money, you can find people for less, this guy is very good and also based in London which is always expensive.

Psychotherapy takes time, its taken you years of habitual thinking and patterns to create whatever wounds you are experiencing and its going to take some time to reveal and heal them, so you can then create new better ones. Its a gradual process but it does work and you can heal.

From my experience, I would say read up about the different kinds of therapy and see which one you like the sound of. Then find some therapists. Give your therapist or counsellor some time, it can take a while to bond. If its not working for you also don't feel you have to stay with one that is not helping. Once you do find someone you're comfortable with though, make a commitment to give it at least 6 months. Turn up to every session even if you don't want to. You owe it to yourself to give it a proper shot. If it takes longer so be it, the key is to keep your eyes on the prize.. :)

Make sure they're registered:

http://www.psychotherapy.org.uk/

When push comes to shove, its up to you what kind of therapy you choose, but I would highly recommend you try to get someone trained and specialist to help you.

Bare in mind that many of the 'alternative therapies' are not regulated, you're letting someone that you can't for sure know what level of training and expertise they have mess around with your mind and emotions which are causing you distress. So whilst I don't want to bias your opinion, there is something to be said for formal training and accountability with something so sensitive.

Good luck with whatever you chose and help you feel better soon.

If you have any questions about psychotherapy, I'll happily answer them.

Good post :)

One of the other things my therapist said to me when dealing with a difficult and traumatic past is you have to work towards giving up all hope of a better past.

It didn't mean much at the time but it has become more significant.

Dealing with the wounds that started in the past is critical but no matter how much you think about it, talk about it, you'll never change your history but you can change your present and your future.

thanks Jaco45er :)