what the hell am i doing?

lately i have just switched of my feelings because everyhings been going wrong for me lately and i dont want to feel the pain. it feels like i cant control this anymore and i just switch off and cant come back.
I feel sooo horribly because im pushing everyone awa even my boyfriend who hasnt done anything wrong and he has always been there but sometimes it feels like the stuff i want to say like "i love you" or "im scared" and of course the worst "i need help" just cant be said and instead all these horrible nasty comments come out that i dont even mean!
I think im doing this because people have really abused and manipulated me in the past and im scared of him being the same and i feel sooo naive when i think hes different!
Its like he cant win because hes always there and he always supports me but hes still some how in the wrong but i dont want to loose him i dont want to push him away any advuce? :weep:

Hi Becca, i can relate to this quite alot, i too have had alot of people let me down, lie to me, manipulate etc and i dont trust anyone, infact if someone does something nice, i will question it.

Does your bf know about your past and why you feel like you do etc? i always think people will understand better if you are totally honest with them.

I think it is important though try and trust atleast 1 or 2 people in your life, and hope that they wont give you reason to not trust them, sounds like your bf is a lovely man and loves you lots, so if you love him too then just try to enjoy him, do things together, go for walks and talk and just be together, things will change in time, but just try to not keep pushing him away if he is clearly there for you.

I do understand though, as i find it terribly hard to open up and trust people, couselling helped my i had 6 months of cbt with a lovely lady, cosy me 40 per session but really was worth it.
hugs xx