POCD or real

I'm going to make this as short as possible. First, i'm suffering from ocd, ROCD, HOCD and harm ocd, wich i was admitted to the hospital for last year. It got better, but things got really bad again the last month. Thinking i was a liar, cheater, and one thought goes to into another. Thinking i was a cheater, and with what girl i was cheating with, (girl i kissed, while i liked another, but never got a relationship with) this got me very very anxious. Tho everybody told me that isn't cheating, that i just was a bit confused. So that calmed me down.

But then i thought, oh know, that girl was not 18 yet, and i was 25, am i a paedofile? but ofcourse i can't be, i'm not attracted to children, so thats ok. But then something popped into my mind that was burried for a long long time. When i was 17 (11 years ago) i woke up, having a wet dream about a 10 year old male child i was so upset by that, at least i think i was, or maybe i was not? it was something that never happend to me, always got off and always liked girls, my first fantasies as a teenager were girls, always bin attracted by them, And then a bit later i thought of it again, i can't remember if the thought scared me, or i was just aroased by it again. And then i masturbated, with mixed thoughts, about that dream, and girls of my age. was i trying to push the thoughts away, at least again i think i wanted to push them or did i really wanted to get of on that dream. at that time i already had intrusive gay thoughts, i pushed those away all the time, so why wouldn't i did the same then with the pedo thought. its bin 11 years, its all so hard to remember. Its so messed up. Did i just see it as a fantasy like any other i had in that age. I could never harm a child, and am not attracted to childeren in any way. After that thing it didn't happen anymore, never got aroased by children again. Got in many normal relationships where i felt good in. But now i'm bound with fear and anxiety, affraid that i'm really will be a paedofile, cause i wasn't very anxious about it back then and didn't have severe ocd back then like i do have now.

But when i was 24 i developed HOCD, suddenly i was attracted to adult males, where i never was before. Its like the fear and the anxiety creates the aroasal. I lost all attraction to girls, and was even more affraid. Wanting to test myself almost every day if i still was attracted to girls, by mixing adult male with female fantasies.

So the big question, am i a paedofile by having masturbated on those thoughts or was it just ignorance of a teenager with too much hormones. I'm very close to throwing myself out of the window.