lonely and down

hi
havent felt like doing much recently still on zispin which help a bit, but home life is still hell. feel like im living my life for others. felt real down 2 days ago and od on my insulin which has made me feel tired and yuk. Lea sat with me that night and made me eat to keep my sugars up.
She is the only one that is helping me and that is why im still here cos i cant hurt her.
Work is still hard i have sent off loads of application forms but when it comes to the medical part that is where i feel they are turning me down.
I am also real worried cos i am losing my faith in the afterlife, as you know what is getting me through is knowing that my dad is looking over me and helping me, but i dont think he is, cos i asked him and my guides to help me especially with getting me and my sister back in my life, i know after she told me to kill myself that i shouldnt, but i am missing her so much. i sent a letter and it came back unread, which i am finding hard to come to teerms with. I know I have Lea but i feel that i want answers from my family cos it is eating away at me, am i so terrible with what happend here i feel so alone. i have a tattoo on my arm in memory of my dad and i dont even want to look at that now, i have tried to cover it with ink and make up but thats no good. and ive found out it would cost so much to laser them off, its going through my mind now to bleach it off or cut it off my mum bleached hers off. This is the first time i have had bad thoughts about my dad i feel he has left me .
Its so hard to get through each day my hubby not helping just making me worse.
my doc is away till the end of the month but said to see another if i need to, i dont think the tiredness is anything to do with the tabs now. I just wish i could sleep for years then all probs will go away.
I dont like going out now cos think everyone is looking at me and going to hurt me.
im in love with someone else but husband is making it hard for me to leave, feel like i got a lead weight round my neck and i cant swim to the top and freedom .wish i could be born again to a loving family, but suppose if i think back they didnt show love when i was little so why should they now.
Soz but this is really getting me down, cant even watch things on tv now that have people being hugged or loved. I think its going to turn me into hating myself and self destruction.
Soz for posting
susie