ROCD, HOCD, POCD, OCD, ANXIETY... help me please :(

Sorry for the long read but I need to know what is wrong with me as nobody including the doctor seems to know :(

For a while now I've been suffering with obsessive thoughts.
It all started when I suffered a severe amount of guilt over something really silly. Anyway, I got over that and started to feel better. Until the feelings started to come back, but for no apparent reason. I put this down to anxiety and so did my GP. With the anxiety came a high level of stress because of this I dropped out of college, stopped enjoying the things that I used to enjoy and felt like I did not know myself. The anxiety got so severe that it affected my stomach, thinking and sleep patterns.
One day, out of complete NOWHERE I started to freak out thinking that I may turn into a lesbian... at first this thought wasn't that time consuming... Then all of a sudden it had this crippling affect that left me not wanting to leave the house other than to spend time with my boyfriend. I sort of new that I wasn't a lesbian, but was still worried about it anyway. It was like deep down I knew that I was straight but I just couldn't shake the thought. I thought about this all day everyday, I had no rest from it... it just completely took over. I would think silly things like 'If I dye my hair, I am a lesbian' which logically I know would not make sense, but I still believed it. After a while this thought dimmed down a bit and I learnt ways of coping with it a bit better. But I would (and still do) avoid certain programmes, music, activities, talking to certain people, because I knew that this would trigger off a thought.

After a while, the thought switched from thinking 'what if im a lesbian?' to 'what if i'm a peadophile?' this one was definitely the worst. It turned my stomach, I felt sick all the time, I hated myself... Again, even though I knew that I wasnt actually a peadophile, I was still worried and my mind still seemed to argue with me. This went on for a while and just like the last thought caused me to avoid certain things, children, films, reading. I even thought that wearing a low cut top would make me a peadophile. It was HORRIBLE. I also got intrusive images and not just thoughts with this one, It was one of the WORST things i've ever been through. It was horrible and at the time I felt so ashamed and disgusted with myself, I just wanted to die. The more I tried to block it out, the more it attacked me.

Then, it turned to my boyfriend (who is and has been for over a year my absolute world) I've tried explaining all of this to him and although it is wearing him out, he is very supportive. I keep questioning my love for him, weather I should be with him, what if I want to be single, what if i'm pretending, what if i've lost feeling. Now I know that these thoughts are not real because now and again I have a sudden sense of reality and I know that I love him. But at the time of the doubt it seems so real, I cry every single night, I feel like I don't want to be myself anymore. I end up taking things out on him, picking at our relationship as if it is his fault (which I know it is not). I don't feel I can cope much longer with these thoughts, I just want to be happy with him again. It's killing both of us and I have no idea what to do. I've thought that perhaps ending the relationship would be better for him, but I just can't do it... I love him to much. Sometimes I think that i'd be better off dead, as then I would be peaceful. I just want to sleep all the time, I don't want to be awake at all.

I just want answers, why am I like this? is it OCD? or am I just hopeless.
Any help or advice would be really appreciated :(
Thank you.

You are definitely not alone and i totally feel your pain. I first experienced thinking I was gay over 20 years ago and then went onto the paedophile wor. It was the most horrendous time of my life. I am currently going thru it again but it all focuses on my husband and has always been the main focus. I'm feeling utterly desperate again and believe the only way out is to end our marriage. I'm panicky as my medication doesn t seem to be working after 12 weeks. You must seek professional help. There are meds u can take and cbt therapy and mindfulness meditation is recommended.

Aw I'm sorry to hear that, do you feel that you need to end your marriage but deep down you don't want to? because that is exactly how I feel. It makes me feel physically ill, I've had non stop nausea and stomach pain when thinking about. A song or a film can set it off. I'd just like to go back to how it was :(. You say you've experienced it before? was that when you were with your husband as well? I'd like to know if I can get over this without ruining my relationship :(

Yes it does and it also makes feel so ill. I am at work until 3pm so i will reply in more detail then.

Hi again

Yes I have been with my husband through all 'relapses' which started conciously out of the blue when I was 20, I'm 44 now (HOCD). This immediately also involved ROCD as my thinking was if I'm gay then that means i can't be with my husband (we weren't married then). It was pure hell, I ran away to family, came back, ran away etc and i did not have a clue what was wrong with me. The peodophile obsession kicked in when I was staying with family as I was not focusing so much on my relationship at that time, even though i couldn't bear not seeing him. Anyway to cut a very long story short, this is something (ROCD) i have dealt with many times since then and we are still together and have two teenage children. We've had our 'normal' ups and downs over the years but I when i am like this it isn't 'normal' yet i am convinced everything i feel and think is true.

This time around is particularly bad as I didn't see it coming - for some reason i stopped taking my medication last year (prob about 7 years ago my GP recommened i stay on a low dose of an SSRI forever to keep the chemical imbalance in my brain more on an even keel) as i had been 'well' for 2 or 3 years and kept forgetting to take the tablets, got complacent and decided i didn't need them anymore (biggest mistake ever). Went back on meds at the end of Jan but still don't think they are really doing anything. I am also seeing a counsellor and MH Specialist but hope to see a psychologist soon for specialised CBT.

I'm terrified I'm not going to get through it this time and that I will end up ending my relationship (please don't try to reassure me as i know it's not productive) . All i want more than anything is to be free of this torment - life is short and i really don't want to be like this.

There is always hope which i have to hold onto.

Hi ladies, hope you don't mind me jumping in on this but I can really relate and wanted to share my experiences in the hope it might help in some way. :smile:

I've had the same worries as you and after speaking with my family and friends about it I've learned that most of them have had these thoughts at some point in their lives, but were able to treat it as just that... a thought. Unfortunately not all us worriers are as good at brushing it off and will instead question why we have these thoughts, what kind of person that makes us, etc and by doing this we fuel our anxieties even more and end up in this vicious circle of worry.

Have you read the book 'Stop Thinking & Start Living' by Richard Carlson? I recently had a bit of a breakthrough when reading this, it made me realise and accept that it isn't me, it's just my way of thinking and I can change the way I think. Since reading this and making a few changes like getting more sleep and keeping my mind active, I think I've improved quite a bit and I'm sure you can too.

You're not hopeless and what you're experiencing does sound like OCD to me but I'm no expert. Regardless of this, it's important you know that you're far from alone and there's a lot of help out there you can take advantage of. Best of luck x