Long-term symptoms

Probably since I was about 17 (I'm now 31), I've felt extremely exhausted, with huge bags under my eyes and aching muscles all over. I've wondered whether I've had CFS, diabetes or an under-active thyroid, although atleast two of those have been ruled out and my doctor says that is probably likely to be psychological due to the length of time that I have felt this way. My friends were bemused when I reached them absolutely shattered after taking public transport across London and needed to sit down and rest for a while!!

I'm not proud of it, but I used to use recreational drugs and alcohol to 'energise' myself and to relax. In particular, I experimented with ecstacy and found that the aches and pains that I'd forgotten that I had disappeared. I felt so much lighter. I'm certainly not advocating it's use, but the fact that ecstacy works on seratonin would indicate that my muscle tension is tied in with my mood.

How do I replicate those feelings without drugs? Well, I'm still recovering from a nervous breakdown right now, so it's about progress rather than completely eradicating the symptoms for me, but I would expect that it's significant that since about the age of 17 I've played very little sport. I used to play football all the time as well as rugby and athletics....I've now taken up sport again. I also probably started feeling more pressure to get a girlfriend at that age and that was the time in my life where I had to start becoming more independent and making my own decisions...I shied away from that...I looked for someone to show me the way and take care of me.

I sincerely hope that exercise, diet, yoga, deep relaxation, saunas, swimming and positive thinking can help me to recover from my breakdown and to enjoy life much more. I really don't want to be depressed, scared, tense and anxious all my life...I'm not the person that I want to be. I'm too self-conscious and I find it really hard to be relaxed and to enjoy myself....I suppose that the two go hand in hand...how can I enjoy myself if I can't relax?

On the positive side, I've got some solid foundations in my life now: a full-time job at a school, working with their media equipment, which will be infinitely more interesting than working in a factory; I've got the contingency of football coaching in case things don't work out with the school; I'm happy not having a girlfriend right now and, hopefully, I'd choose to be in a relationship for the right reasons rather than just being with somebody to try to make myself feel better; I'm also likely to be offered a council flat quite soon, which will be a first for me, having my very own place....it would be great if that meant that I finally feel at home somewhere. It will also give me the rare opportunity to buy somewhere eventually.

I'm just watching a programme on Channel 4 right now about a bunch of guys going via train around europe and it does make me feel a touch sick....I guess it's nerves brought on by my agoraphobia at those places seeming so alien.....but it would be an amazing experience to travel around europe with some mates. Why do I feel so sick? Is it lack of confidence? An inability to get my head around the concept of the planet earth, so I feel 'ungrounded' in strange surroundings? Depression caused by the frustration that I'm different from other people, who could enjoy the experience? If only I knew the answer to that! Maybe I just need to get on and do it, which will cause my confidence to snowball and I'll be excited about seeing more and more things, which will mean that I'll forget about feeling nervous.

Ships in harbour are safe..but that's not what ships were built for.