A change in my thoughts!

Hi everyone.

I have suffered with virtually every horrible, disturbing thoughts known. My meds which is Cipralex 20mg have helped them a lot and the thoughts have calmed. Just every now and again they can sneek in and set me going.
I'm sure all you who suffer with them will know what I mean when I say that the thoughts take over your whole mind and body, mine do anyway. I am totally out of control with them, which makes me anxious, frustrated and angry...which then leads me to do stupid things.
Anyway I am posting this because I am having totally new thoughts, even though I thought they couldn't get any worse, also I am hoping someone can help me with them if they have suffered with the same ones.
They are now against authority, my thoughts and images in my head are basically telling me to get drunk and go out and cause trouble with the police. The scary thing is that this actually excites me and I know that if I was drunk I don't think I would think twice. I must admit I do have a problem with alcohol, or more so alcohol doesn't like me, it really does send me loopy...excuse the pun.
Every time I see a police car in the street I have intense thoughts to either swear at them or cause some kind of commotion just so I can fight with them, it's just crazy! Of course the thoughts are even more dangerous when I have had a drink and it scares me something rotten. I don't drink in front of my children or in the house or during the week but I do binge in the pub at weekends...I don't know if I could give that up, the thoughts would still be there even if I did.
I don't know I just wish there was something out there to shut my mind down, I hate thinking because all I ever think about are horrible, scary things and sometimes I just can't cope with it. Mum lives with me but when I tell her I am thinking something horrible she just says "well don't think about it" or "Just ignore it", this really doesn't help, if only it was that easy eh. I would prefer to go around like a zombie with a numb head than think and realise things. I have already told my GP that I would be dead by now if it wasn't for my children...That's how this makes me feel, like I just want my mind to die. :weep: