I'm Giving Up

I've resigned myself to believe that I'll never be happy. My meds aren't working. 5mg cipralex. Very low dose. Doctor wont up it. Meh.

When I was 14, my nan died. Then my boyfriend dumped me. My best friend moved miles away. I failed college. Took a year off where I succeeded in getting fat. Failed college again. Got fatter. Then I started meds, that was in August.

Yesterday, I kissed my closest friend, and then realised I didn't want a relationship with him at all. And he's insane about me. And he's actually trying to make me feel better after I rejected him, essentially.

I'm talking to him now on MSN. I told him how I dont self harm, but I do intentionally hurt myself. My zits never heal because I scratch the skin right off them. I gouge skin out of the back of my head, and let it bleed. It'll scab over and I'll gouge it out again. As I do this I think 'you deserve this' quite involuntary.

I also pretend, when lying in bed, that I'm in a coma from which I'll never wake up. My friends and family, and pretty much anyone I've ever met gather around my hospital bed to cry, feel ****ty and say goodbye.

And sometimes it actually hurts for me to breathe. That I'm so burdened and in pain that I can't quite catch my breath. Like there's a weight on my chest pushing down.

This entire ****ing planet is one big let down, one big war, everyone hates everyong else. It's a disgusting place to be. Each night I listen out for the police sirens to go past, which they always do. It's tragic, it's painful, it hurts so bad, this pain. Oh, god, I just want it to stop. To be able to breathe again.

I want babies and a family. So badly. How can someone as obviously ****ed up as me have that? My babies, when they grow older, will get my depression. And a husband... who'd want me?

I don't want to die, I just wish I NEVER ****ING EXISTED.

Oh, god, make it stop. I just want to sleep. Painless, calm, dreamless sleep. I want to let go. I don't want to be here anymore. I can't do it. I hurt everyone I love. I'm a disappointment. I shatter everything I hold dear. I want the migrains to stop. I want peace. I want love. I want to go home, back to being six when everything was safe and easy and pure. Not this. Please, god, not anymore.

(I'm trying to cry quietly so I don't wake my parents up, don't want to alarm them of all this - how ****ing twisted is that?)

I hate myself so much. I loathe every aspect. I'm a heartbreaker and a bitch. I'm a fat, disgusting failure. I'm so desperate. I'm too ****ing nice. I'm a push over. I'm pathetic. I give too much. I have no guts. I used to be strong. I can't handle this. I can't do it. I don't want to.

And I'm so goddamn lonely. I want my best friend back, I want to say sorry to the boy who's insane about me because I broke my promise. I hurt him. Got his hopes up. He's too good for me.

There's not much fight left in me. Tragic.

Hi LockedShut. I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. I cried when I read your post.
First, how long have you been on the meds? Sometimes it takes a while before they start to work. If you have been on them a while and they are not working you need to see a Doctor who will try something else. You do not have to see your regular Doctor if you feel they are unsympathetic or difficult to talk to.
You are not worthless, pathetic or a push over (or any of the other things you say about yourself). You are just as valid and special as anybody else. You will have a husband and children one day and they will not get your depression. They will love you because you are special.
You are only young, and it is normal to be confused about relationships at your age. Just be kind and truthful to your friend and everything will work out in the end.
You are thinking negative dark thoughts because you are unwell. There must be someone you can confide in. There is no shame in feeling the way you do so please be honest so they can help and support you.
You are poorly at the moment sweetheart, but things will get better, and you can achieve anything you want. Just concentrate on getting better for now, and take one day at a time.
Please PM me if you need to talk.
Love and big hugs from shoegal xxx

Hi Lockedshut,

Firstly I also wish to say how sorry I am you are feeling so low and desperate, you really are struggling at the moment. However, well done letting how you feel out and expressing those thoughts, it was very brave of you and for that its a start to admitting how you are feeling. Many can't actually put coherently and logically express how they feel.

When you put on medication were referred for counselling? I feel you could benefit greatly from offloading your thoughts to an independant person if you can't talk to your parents or friends.

Yes 5mg is a low dose but does your GP know how you are struggling atm? Do your parents know you are on anti depressants? Do you have their support?

Lockedshut, feeling as low as this everything feels worthless and stuck but life doesn't sit still and things will improve but it takes time. You will get a lot of support from this forum, have a look around the site for articles as to how others have used strategies to get through slowly, you seem to have snowballing thoughts which need to be broken down and dealt with individually.
Your friend if a true friend will stick by you even though you feel a promise was broken. He obvioulsy cares for you.

Hang in there and come into chatroom sometime if not to chat just to know there are many of us here to support you.

I will just reiterate though just how well you've done posting, keep posting and expressing, crying if you can and releasing some of those confusing pent up emotions.

All the very best and pm if I can be of any help

love Sax xxxx[8D]

hi

im feeling rough at the mo but it still makes me feel so sad when i hear someone is feeling so awful. please please dont give up thing pass things come along

all best wishes and hugs to you

i cant hug u in person but im sending one now

x:)

Eloise,

Darlin' you've got it all wrong .... you're gorgeous, not fat at all, got your whole life ahead of you and, it's obvious from your posts, are an articulate, intelligent and gorgeous (did I already say that?;)) young woman.

You WILL get over this burden and when you do you'll realise that life is worth living and that your contribution can make the world, even if it's solely your world, a better place.

I wouldn't suggest you watch it (I hate to admit it makes me cry! Every time!!) but A Wonderful Life with James Stewart is a great film about someone who thinks that if they didn't carry on living then things for everyone else would get better ...... and how wrong he would be. We all have a part to play in life's great tapestry and you're is vital.

Just think, without even knowing it, you've entered my Friday. I'll be thinking about you all day now. You;ve made an impression on me, not just me but everyone who's read your post. Just how many people have you made think about your situation? That's just how brilliant a person you are.:)

You're clearly in turmoil but you're too valuable to consider recoiling into a shell or giving up, if your friend is a friend indeed he'll help you through this 'episode' which in years time you'll be able to look back on and realise that, yes, it was a sh** time but one what helped shape you into the woman you'll be.

I hope you take this response positively and even moreso, personally, as it really is heartfelt and as an 'old boy' (41) old enough to be your dad it comes with real emotion, concern and genuine hope for you.

Happiness and light to all,
'Chopper'




I saw her once, one little while, and then no more:
’Twas Eden’s light on Earth a while, and then no more.
Amid the throng she passed along the meadow-floor:
Spring seemed to smile on Earth awhile, and then no more;
But whence she came, which way she went, what garb she wore
I noted not; I gazed a while, and then no more!

James Clarence Mangan 1803 - 1849

Thank you for all your replies.
To answer some of your questions, I've been on meds since the end of August. First 10mg citalopram, but they made me sick, and since my health isn't great anyway, I didn't see the point in them. Then I got switched to cipralex.

I was offered councilling, I had an assessment session of CBT. I was told to contact something called the Wimbledon Guild. I did, left all my details but they never got back to me.

And yes, my parents do know. But it's not really depression to them. My dad is oblivious to a lot of things. He doesn't really pay me a lot of attention, and I don't really let him anyway so he doesn't know much, only what mum tells him. And mum thinks this is just a phase. I could break my back and she'd say it's not broken, it's just your age. They think I'm lazy and this could all be sorted out in a instant, just get a job, meet some new people, find a man. I can barely get out of bed. I spent yesterday sleeping, and I will again today.

As for today, I've woken up, it's 11:20, I've had breakfast. And after checking my messages on here, I'm going to climb straight back into bed. My thoughts keep racing, and like you said Sax, my thoughts are snowballing. I can't keep up. One minute I'm out of bed, brushing my teeth, thinking don't I look thin today, the diet is working. Then I'll sit still for a moment and everything will come crashing back. I'm not very good at just letting go.

So back to bed I go...
Thank you all, love you all so much
xo

Thanks Chopper, don't feel particularly gorgeous today though! I've never thought about how many people I affect like that. That'll give me something to ponder today :) Thanks for caring, I really need that...
xo

Hi LockedShut,

I don't quite know how to follow the above responses but I'll try (they were so good). Absolutely no-one on this earth is too good for you. He was your friend first and will remain so. You are lucky to have such good friends. I understand that you are depressed right now but when you lay in bed at night try to think of at least 3 good things that you have in your life. Now I know this can be difficult but sometimes it helps.

As for your parents, try and talk to them. Sit them down and look them in the eye and talk to them. Sometimes we parents are so busy with our own lives we honestly think our children (and I don't mean to offend you with that word I still call my 21 year old a child), are really doing well when they aren't. What you need is open communication with them right now.

I don't know how old you are but here in the States they are trying not to recommend giving young people anti-depressants even to the age of 21. That might be the reason your doctor is trying to keep you at a low dosage, I just don't know.

I think it is good that you want a family. That signifies that you are looking towards your future, a good thing in my opinion. I too suggest counseling if you can somehow manage it again, if they don't call you back, you call them. Be aggressive in your treatment, these days you have to be.

I wish nothing but the best for you. If you can manage it try to get out for short walks during the day, it will honestly make you feel better.

Also, the chatroom is always a great place to go to when you are feeling down, laughter is the best medicine. Plus, there are those who have been there and those that are there now that can help you.

Hope I have been of some assistance.

Hugs to you,

Belxx

"Our thoughts are our reality"

Well put Bell xx just had to comment on ur response, awesome x

Well what can I say to you thats not allready been said. I could start the holding hands routine but i won't. I used to be a regular on this site, (ask people like southern bell, stace etc) When i read you post it was a bit of daju vu, (except im male) I was as low as you in fact i was sucidal. Now its all different for me as it can be for you. It's not easy, it's a painfull self help regime that worked for me and could work for you. Accept that you are at your lowest point, you cant get lower, therefore the only way is up. Start looking for positives in life, they will be there you will just have to recognise and believe them. For instance you pour a drink and get the mixer quanity right, thats a positive. you laugh at the tv or a friend thats a positive. Once you have a positive concentrate on it, make it a big thing, it will outweigh the negat8ives in life just for a few moments but it will. Then look for the next and the next, pretty soon your positives will ouytweigh the negatives of life. Thats when you will stop to smell the flowers, thats when you regain hope, thats when you will start to beat this terrible illnes. Just keep at it, the flowers smell lovely when you take the time to smell them. it worked for me, I came from being sucidal to regaining a better version of life, i learned to life and be thankful for the life. Its a wonderful thing, you will enjoy it again. Keep coming to the fourum, be a bit looney but please start to laugh, laugter you will find will be its own reward. I hope you can find some help in this marathon of a reply, remember, keep laughing

Keith

Eloise, hello beautiful girl.........

........here's a big.....GROOVY....GRANNY......

[:X]((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUG))))))))))))))))))))) )))))))))))))))))))))))))[:X]


with lots of love from

GG [:P]

xxx

'There are no such things as strangers; just friends we haven't made yet!'

PS: It's a beautiful world..........

...............cus you're in it. :)
xxx

'There are no such things as strangers; just friends we haven't made yet!'

I love all your posts, thank you, and I hate to add something negative by my great aunt died this morning... the funeral will probably be next week. I'm trying so hard not to go back to bed.

I've just gotten home from going for a walk with the afore-mentioned boy. We've pretty much sorted things out. I hope.

It's weird. I was so cheery just before I got the news. I had a smile on my face for the first time in days, and I had happy music on. Then after I was told, I just dropped to the floor, sobbing.

Take a deep breath and try to move on, right? I'm managing a small smile at what you've all said. Keith, I love your idea of looking for the little things. And thanks groovygranny for the hug! I need one! And Bel thanks for your support :)

Better go have dinner before I forget to eat...
xo love you all

Hi sorry to hear your news, but you should look at all the things you did together, the laughs you had with your aunt. It will also help you to be poitive when you remember her and help you get through the funeral

Keith

(((((((((((((((GROOVY HUG)))))))))))))

Just in case the other one has run out............there are plenty more!

You'll be ok love, hold on..

lotsa luv

GG [:P]

xx

'There are no such things as strangers; just friends we haven't made yet!'

Thanks groovygranny!

I had a long walk late last night with *that boy*. And now I've decided I so don't want this anymore. I'm sick of being the special case, "the depressed chick" as I'm known. I want to be happy, I want to be able to go out with... him... and not have that nagging voice in the back of my head ruining it all.

I must admit, I was scared of being well again. I didn't like the idea of feeling vulnerable. At least at my saddest nothing else could go wrong. I really believed that until my aunt died and I sank to a level lower than hell, which I didn't expect.

So it's over, bye bye depression. I want to be happy. I want the ups and downs, not just the overwhleming lows.

So, any suggestions on how I can be "cured" would be great! :D I guess I'm going to have to go back to therapy, huh!?I'm going to try what Keith suggested, taking note of all the little, seemingly inconsequential happy things. :) Anything else??

I WILL get better!
xo

Thanks for those sites, Nigel, I'll check 'em out in a bit. :)

I thought I'd post something. Like I said I would, I did as Keith suggested, keep going on about it! So I'm going to post what I wrote. The good little things. Just because I feel like I have someone to tell! This is typed up straight from my diary. I'm a very open person so, obviously, this is quite personal. It's just who I am. These are all the good little things that happened to me today! Enjoy!


1. Had several terrifically erotic dreams last night! Erotic dreams are always a good thing! (*male-friend* and I went to a club - cross between a brothel, japanese nightclub and the end scenes from Terminator 1, lots of chicken wire and steel cages).

2. I've stuck to my diet bloody well today, all week actually.

3. I'd probably more-than-likely feel skinny if I was bloated to due my period.

4. I've having semi-periods again! So my downstairs wasn't ravaged by the contraceptive injection!

5. Read a few more chapters of Angels and Demons, if you can call them chapters...

6. I have good hair today, which reminds me, I need to brush it again.

7. I've accepted the fact that my TV is awful and have decided I don't really want one anyway, prefer books and the internet! Saves me paying TV licence too.

8. I like bran flakes, so long as there's a little diet sugar to go with it.

9. Parents are getting along better.

10. Parents are getting along better with me.

11. Parents and me ate tea at the dining table together. Well, kind-of. Different meals, different times, but we were all there. (I had chicken, mum haddock and mash, dad toast pork!)

12. *male-friend* went out with friends that aren't me. Good thing as it means he's happy again and feeling social.

13. My favourite girl-boxers are clean and dry on the radiator.

14. Went for a walk and bought a new movie that I've wanted to see for a while (Amelie).

15. Started process of getting old laptop fixed! Might have it working soon!

16. Was cheery. Listened to bad ska. Actually remembered the words.

17. Had an alright semi-conversation with dad.

18. Back ache from yesterday has gone.

19. Technically today as it was early morning - had a wonderful midnight walk with *male-friend* to cheer him. He was feeling low :( but not anymore ^_^ Feel so much closer to him now. Love having a best friend again. Love his smile. Love his selfless wanting of me to be happy and get better. Just generally adore him to pieces.

20. Getting tough now! - Paint on toenails isn't as chipped as I thought it would be!

Ta-DA!! :)
Night, dears
xo

Oh LuckedShut!!!

You are doing great, you have definitaley got the right attitude girl!
Im sorry to hear about your great aunt. I can relate to you as I have lost my only brother to suicide 2 years ago. A tiny wisdom I'd like to pass on whenever you feel negative about her death. Just keep beating that negative nagging by repeating it in your head until it sticks that instead of being sad for the fact she is gone BE GRATEFUL for the fact that you had her in your life for so long!!!! I believe its a chinese proverb I read somewhere on the net at the time when my brother passed and it does make me feel tons better when I think about it that way!
Also I have often the same negative snowballing thoughts as you and one thing that helps me is when I write them down and just think about it for a second, is it really true ;)

Keep at getting better, you'll get there girl!
xxxx

Eloise you luvly, luvly girl!! :)

So happy for you,
....and thank you for sharing your thoughts, your ups and downs and your diary with us.....it just goes to show that when we have down times we are not alone here, and when we have successes (like you!) we can all enjoy them!

Take care

lotsa luv

GG [:P]

xx

'There are no such things as strangers; just friends we haven't made yet!'

"20. Getting tough now! - Paint on toenails isn't as chipped as I thought it would be!"

Damn, mine is!!

I saw her once, one little while, and then no more:
’Twas Eden’s light on Earth a while, and then no more.
Amid the throng she passed along the meadow-floor:
Spring seemed to smile on Earth awhile, and then no more;
But whence she came, which way she went, what garb she wore
I noted not; I gazed a while, and then no more!

James Clarence Mangan 1803 - 1849

I'm feeling hopeless again. I'm getting bored of feeling like this. Seems like my health is just generally playing up to spite me.

I'm just so tired. Jaded. What's the point?
Honestly. Why bother? Why bother going to bed when I'd have to go to bed again the next night? Why shower when my hair will only get dirty again? Why bother falling in love when he'll just break my heart like everyone else?

I wish there was a button I could push to just end it all right now. My own personal nuclear arms button. Just push it and my whole person goes up in smoke and all that's left is a happy little crater full of ash.

Eloise,

You're having a tough time m'dear, but you'll get through it. I know that the light at the end of the tunnel might be an onrushing train, but (usually!) it's not.

Just think, would that crater of ash really be happy? Would everyone that knows and loves you be happy? Would YOU really be happy?

Remember, you're an invaluable, unique, young woman and everything you do impacts upon someone else, you've already impacted my and the other reading member's week just by posting how you feel and we'll all be thinking of you, sending you our best wishes and support.

Now for the fatherly rant! Get your boney arse out of bed, get in the shower, put on some make-up, a nice, girly, outfit and sit in front of the tv with a cup of tea and a packet of chocolate digestives, have some 'me' time and relax DO NOT curl up under the duvet, it's the devil's blanket![}:)]

Hang in there girl, hang in there, we're all with you.

Happiness and light to all,
'Chopper'

I saw her once, one little while, and then no more:
’Twas Eden’s light on Earth a while, and then no more.
Amid the throng she passed along the meadow-floor:
Spring seemed to smile on Earth awhile, and then no more;
But whence she came, which way she went, what garb she wore
I noted not; I gazed a while, and then no more!

James Clarence Mangan 1803 - 1849

Aahh, Chopper! You have this gift of telling me what to do without me needing to read your replies! I've bathed, I'm about to put make-up on, I'm in a skirt, hair tied back like a nice young lady, I have tea! No biscuits though, I gorged on them yesterday!

Thankee honey, I'm like so totally cheered up right now!!
I'm trying to utilise my emotions, turn them into creative energy... I've sketched in charcoal, sung along to Nina Simone and now I'm actually writing my novel. Not just a line or two - I'm on my second page of hurried, scribbled mess!

Love you all,
~ xo

<center>How will it end?</center>

Bet you're looking HOT![:I] You shouldn't tell an old man with my unique side effect how good you look, down boy!![B)]

You're obviously creative but could I suggest that rather than flit from one activity to another, then another, try and concentrate on just one thing at a time and try to ensure that time is focussed time, don't think about what you're going to do next, just concentrate on the taks in hand at the moment in time.

I love Nina Simone too but if you like her you'll also like Eartha Kitt, growl!!

Happiness and light to all,
'Chopper'

I saw her once, one little while, and then no more:
’Twas Eden’s light on Earth a while, and then no more.
Amid the throng she passed along the meadow-floor:
Spring seemed to smile on Earth awhile, and then no more;
But whence she came, which way she went, what garb she wore
I noted not; I gazed a while, and then no more!

James Clarence Mangan 1803 - 1849

Bad, Chopper! Bad!! *blushes*

I'm a woman, multi-tasking is a breeze! In fact, I'm bored of writing... I'm going to go sketch!

Something I sketched the other day... Not bad for a first try! http://i6.photobucket.com/albums/y23...t/Candle-1.jpg

And you and your bright ideas, Chopper, I forgot how much of a diuretic tea can be!! Damn yous!! :D

~ xo

<center>How will it end?</center>

What a talented young lady you are Elouise!

D'you know I'm sure I saw that candle flicker - it's alive with you!

Thanks for sharing it!

lotsa luv

GG [:P]

xx

'There are no such things as strangers; just friends we haven't made yet!'

Mornin' Eloise,

That candle is in the neck of a wine bottle isn't it? Chardonnay perhaps, or a cheeky little Pino Grigio?

You sound a wee bit more upbeat? Was yesterday an 'up'[^] day or a 'down'[V] day? It sounds very much like a good day to me?:D I hope today is another, and tomorrrow and I'm sure when there's more of the same you'll realise that you're facing your problems and getting through them.

I don't want to tempt fate but I feel that I'm finally, finally, getting my life back and it's due, in part, a big part, to wonderful, compassionate people like you and GG and the others in here. Keep posting, keep sketching, keep writing and keep going.

Happiness and light to all,
'Chopper'

I saw her once, one little while, and then no more:
’Twas Eden’s light on Earth a while, and then no more.
Amid the throng she passed along the meadow-floor:
Spring seemed to smile on Earth awhile, and then no more;
But whence she came, which way she went, what garb she wore
I noted not; I gazed a while, and then no more!

James Clarence Mangan 1803 - 1849

Actually it was in a bottle of Blossom Hill... I can't afford the good stuff!

I'm glad you're on the mend. I'm glad I am too. Everyone I know is having a good day. I opened up my blinds this morning, the sun came pouring in and I thought "wow, it's a lovely day". I never think that about sunny days, happy, optimistic weather. I prefer the rain, the dark and the cold. Scary!

Love you all
~ xo

<center>How will it end?</center>

It's pretty much over between me and my *male-friend*. I just don't fancy him. I tried so hard to love him but it wasn't there. And thus, yesterday I broke his heart.

I'm so down. Low. My best friend and I hurt him. I want to hug him, make it all better, but we've agreed that we shouldn't see each other for a while, as seeing leads to lingering feelings and naughty kisses and that doesn't help either of us.

He wants me to get better, I want him to be happy. With someone else. Anyone. Not me. I'm not right. I'm sick.

I told him once that my depression was like cancer. That there is a chance that I will get better, and when I do, when I'm in remission, I'll be able to date. That I'd be ready to date him. I asked him if he'd consider dating a girl with cancer, or would it be better just to support them, care for them. I told him that the likelihood is that I'll never get better. This will always be with me. A grey-ish blue tint over my eyes, slightly distorting my view from everyone elses. I get the feeling he thinks I'm just being poetic.


Sometimes I think my life would be simpler if I didn't know anyone. If I didn't care. From my depression, I've grown this new skill of running the hell away. I tried it once with him before, I knew something was going to happen, and I told him I didn't want to see him again, to protect myself. I ran away. Only now, he's told me that he needs me. That I'm a necessity. I'm his best friend. That's a big thing for me. I don't do best friends. Well, I try to have best friends, but I'm cursed. They all vanish after two years.

I think I shall go back to bed.
~ xo

<center>How will it end?</center>

'Ello luvly girl, don't go back to bed just yet!

Nothing wrong with a bottle of Blossy Hill! (I visualise Chopper nodding his head in frantic agreement !!)

You are doing so well, don't let yourself tell you otherwise ok? Do me a big big favour? Do some more of your beautiful sketches please? Doesn't matter if they're a bit 'Gothy' (is that a proper word?) because they'll be a representation of you!

Life is very s****y sometimes and always will be ......but........s**t is a fertiliser and once decomposed it helps to make flowers grow !!

Better go now, GG's getting all philisophical on !!

lotsa luv to you

GG [:P]

xx

'There are no such things as strangers; just friends we haven't made yet!'

Eloise,

Don't give up on yourself! That's an order!!;)

Knowing your liking for art, this'll maybe cheer you up: I'm useless at anything artistic (apart from photography but that's an anecdote for another day!) and my son, who was 12 at the time said to me one evening "Dad, I've got to draw a ship at sea but can't seem to get it right, can you help me?", so, 'Chopper' decides to help out and have a go, draws what he thinks is a fair representation of a container ship riding the waves and the boy says thanks, takes the drawing to his room to work from it.

Weeks later it's parent's night at school and his art teacher says, "sorry but his artwork is somewhat immature for his age group", just as she brings out MY drawing which the little bugger (got to give him credit though!) had simply added his name to!! Immature? I was 39 at the time!!

Now get your arse out of bed, get in the shower, get some 'slap' on, write a couple of chapters of your current novel, do GG some sketches (I'll have one of an overturned rowing boat on the beach please, in charcoal) and tonight go down the pub for a few wines and some social interaction. Or else, I might have to reprimand you again![:X]


Happiness and light to all,
'Chopper'

Let us pray to Him who holds Life’s issues in his hands—
Him who formed the mighty globe, with all its thousand lands;
Girding them with seas and moutains, rivers deep, and strands,
To case a look of pity upon Kathleen-Ni-Houlahan!

James Clarence Mangan 1803 - 1849