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Current Situation - Rock Bottom
Hi all,
I just wanted to reach out and summarise where I am to see if anyone can offer any light that might make me feeling a little less hopeless.
As you will have seen from my previous thread, I’ve had a really anxious time lately, starting with me being fixated on everyone going away on trips, and me being left on my own for days at a time, which happened nearly every week or every other week for a few months.
Since then, my anxiety levels have become out of control, I’ve spiralled. I’m anxious 24/7, and where before my anxiety was GAD with very rare panic attacks, I’m now having them every day, even lying in my own bed. I’ve become scared to do anything, haven’t showered in a week, and can’t really do anything. It just never eases. I’m forcing enough food down me to keep me going but it’s not enough.
I have a referral to a psychiatrist from the GP and am trying to find a private one to look at meds, as the NHS have been less than useless.
I’ve basically become frozen to do anything that might actually help me. Does anyone have any advice on steps I can take to get myself out of it?
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Re: Current Situation - Rock Bottom
Okay, I know you won't want to hear this, but...
Get up. Have a shower. Being clean when you're mentally ill is really hard but it does make you feel better, and I say that as somebody who struggles to shower.
Put clothes on, comfy ones. New ones are the best because they just feel different, but anything clean and non-restrictive.
Go out into the garden and focus on the grass, the birds, anything you can see or hear.
Engaging your senses will help you ignore the screaming in your brain.
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Re: Current Situation - Rock Bottom
Hi mate.
Yeah, the shower is something I find really uncomfortable for some reason. I can’t wait to get back out of it, and then almost feel woozy afterwards which leads to anxiety. I will try and add it back in to my night time routine though.
I’ve been trying to walk outside when I go for my cigarettes, but it doesn’t seem to help.
I also need a haircut and a shave, I look like a yeti, as both have been months.
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Re: Current Situation - Rock Bottom
Next steps: try a cooler shower? I find hot water makes me feel weirder than lukewarm.
Going outside might not help but it'll absolutely stop things getting worse and your world narrowing any further than it already has.
Have a shave now, then find a hairdresser who'll come and visit. Try changing your style, even; seeing somebody different when you look in the mirror can be a real boost.
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Re: Current Situation - Rock Bottom
That’s a good idea, maybe it’s the increase in heat that is making me woozy - will try tonight.
Yeah, I’ve got to keep doing as much as I can haven’t I. I haven’t been able to have my haircut by anyone else for years, so will do it f when I can.
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Re: Current Situation - Rock Bottom
What are you eating? Have you tried any of the calorie rich meal supplements….Complan and the like. Mixed with whole milk 250ml can give you 400 calories. My mother has it. I’m trying to think of that other drink? Huell? Or something like that.
If drinking is easier, make yourself easy to swallow food. Soups (Cream of) yoghurts, eggs etc. The more calories you get in you the better you will feel. Then as you feel better you can progress to a greater variety of food.
But BI is spot on. If you look rough…( sorry not meaning to be rude) you will feel rough. Get a lukewarm shower, have a shave, wash your hair. Doesn’t matter if it needs a cut. Long hair is ok. Change your bedding. Get some clean fleecy pjs on and look after yourself. Your body is trying to get back to the status quo, however hard it seems to believe that…so help it along. Don’t punish your body for your anxiety. Sit outside, it’s nice today. The robins are singing.
Have you been given any time scale as to getting professional help?
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Re: Current Situation - Rock Bottom
I’ve found some wholegrain breakfast bars that I seem to be able to eat ok, and they are 195 calories each, so them an I normally try and get a small evening meal down me. It’s not so much the eating, it’s the fear of eating making me anxious… I’m basically scared everything is going to make me panic, so I’m stuck doing nothing, which is obviously creating it’s own panic.
No offence taken, I look rough. Unwashed, unshaven, and at a dangerously low weight isn’t pretty.
If I try and work, it’s like my mind can’t handle it and overwhelms me, which is frustrating.
I have a private psychologist who isn’t proving much use to be honest, but the main message is that I need to get my attention off myself and my anxiety, which makes perfect sense, but it’s impossible when my mind isn’t capable of anything else, and if I sit quietly I panic over frankly nothing. I’m trying all sorts of things like crosswords, going through the horse racing cards, watching tv, anything in the hope to just give my mind a break, but nothing helps. The NHS have given me a referral to a private psychiatrist, but I just need to find the right one.
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Re: Current Situation - Rock Bottom
Can you ask for some anti-anxiety meds from GP for the time between your referral and seeing a psychiatrist?
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Re: Current Situation - Rock Bottom
I’m terrified of taking medications because of past experiences, so the big thing with the psychiatrist will be to discuss all my concerns with him and put my mind at ease so that hopefully I can bring myself to take them.
I haven’t taken so much as a paracetamol in over 10 years.
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Re: Current Situation - Rock Bottom
I had a cooler shower last night, and although I was already really anxious, I didn’t get woozy feeling - good tip from Blue there.
I got slightly calmer when I was in bed, which I normally do, but I never feel like I’ve slept and was having a panic attack within 10 minutes of waking up which is still coming in waves now, and this tends to be me for the day now - this is the cycle I need to try and break.
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Re: Current Situation - Rock Bottom
You're clearly used to what they feel like now; maybe try powering through and having some breakfast and a quick smoke?
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Re: Current Situation - Rock Bottom
I’ve just been for a smoke outside, and tried to stretch out a bit, but I’m trying to work now and just can’t stop panicking. It’s crazy.
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Re: Current Situation - Rock Bottom
Break your tasks down into small parts and complete one part at a time.
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Re: Current Situation - Rock Bottom
It’s not about the tasks, I would feel the same if I was just watching tele. It’s just what happens now, and I don’t know why. I don’t even know what I’m panicking about 24/7.
This is the issue. It’s so frustrating and scary,
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Re: Current Situation - Rock Bottom
Right. But if you're feeling like crap, you might as well feel like crap and get stuff done, right?
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Re: Current Situation - Rock Bottom
Yeah, definitely, I’m trying to gently work.
If I could get comfortable working again, then it would be a huge step. It’s the thing I’m best at (usually), and the thing I’m most confident with.
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Re: Current Situation - Rock Bottom
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Darksky
Your body is trying to get back to the status quo, however hard it seems to believe that
What do you mean by this?
Surely it’s the body that’s panicking every time I eat, etc.
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Re: Current Situation - Rock Bottom
There has been no let up in this whatsoever.
I’m in a real mess, and just don’t get it.
My head is just a swamp, it’s completely overwhelmed and incapable of doing anything other than cause me problems. I’m so done.
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Re: Current Situation - Rock Bottom
Quote:
Originally Posted by
PHR
There has been no let up in this whatsoever.
I’m in a real mess, and just don’t get it.
My head is just a swamp, it’s completely overwhelmed and incapable of doing anything other than cause me problems. I’m so done.
Hi Phil.
Sorry you’re really struggling.
I think it’s time to at least try medication again. It doesn’t sound like you’ve got much to lose.
Or try a good quality, high strength cbd oil. Some swear by it.
I don’t know you or your situation but going by how much you use forums to soothe yourself, I think you probably need to find friends and family, loved ones to help you get this from them as well. This might take a while but it worth putting the effort in. In my experience to best way to calm the nervous system is authentic connections with others.
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Re: Current Situation - Rock Bottom
Hi, I have an appointment booked with a psychiatrist to try and look at medications.
My family are less than useless, they just blame me, lose their temper and just don’t understand anxiety, they just think I’m being silly. It’s really difficult. I really do need to bring other people into my life, but I’m in too bad of a way to do that at the minute.
It’s the relentlessness of it all. I wake up every day in a mental swamp until it inevitably turns into panic attacks, and then just have to try my hardest to make it through to the end of the day. I don’t understand the mechanisms that can maintain anxiety 24/7.
I feel like I can’t get my mind off myself, constantly evaluating, trying to solve my issues, and figuring it all out. My mind is also too tired to do anything meaningful to distract in between the panic attacks, like I can’t focus on anything else anyway, and when I try and force myself to, the anxiety just shouts louder. I just feel so trapped, I feel like I’m going insane.
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Re: Current Situation - Rock Bottom
That’s probably the best I’ve managed to articulate how I’m feeling actually, so if anyone has any advice, it would be very much appreciated.
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Re: Current Situation - Rock Bottom
I really do think you need to discuss meds with someone. You can’t feel worse than this. The thing is your anxiety is so high that anything the doctors say to you isn’t going to go in anyway. You need to be bought down in order for the talking stuff to go in.
When is your appointment?
Are simple tasks possible? Like a jigsaw? I find they concentrate the mind without too much effort. Also, although it sounds daft. I have some crayons and adult colouring books. Really effortless and it’s relaxing. Any games you may want to download? Just simple stuff…no sudoku. Just matching stuff or town building. Anything’s worth a try, it really is.
Your family don’t understand and they are probably scared for you. You’re not going insane, it’s just extreme anxiety.
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Re: Current Situation - Rock Bottom
It’s on the 25th.
I have a few things that I’m still managing to do. I go through the horse racing cards each day, I do crosswords and things on my iPad or put some trash tele on in the background, and simple things like I role my cigarettes. If there’s a really simple job at work I try and do it, but that’s about it, all from my bed. I get up every hour or so to go downstairs and have a cigarette, sometimes taking my iPad with me to keep whatever distraction I’ve got going on, but that’s about all I can manage. At night me and my girlfriend put the same tv show on and text about it, and I lay on an acupressure mat to try and unwind for sleep. I keep trying to up the activity levels, because the more I can get my attention on other things the better really. I’m just hoping my head settles down at some point, it just won’t.
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Re: Current Situation - Rock Bottom
Why do you keep going back to bed? Once you start that, your safe place becomes smaller and smaller…ie your room.
Would the sofa be better. Just to get out of your room. I know it’s a safe place but when you flip the reality..isn’t it more of a prison?
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Re: Current Situation - Rock Bottom
When the triggers for this downfall were happening, my family were being vile to me about it, and I just retreated. Then I stayed out of the way because I don’t like my niece and nephew seeing me like this. I spent days playing PlayStation non stop because I couldn’t handle it, to a point where my hands had blisters from the controller and even looking away from the screen made me panic, and now I can’t get back out properly again. I can’t sit down when I go downstairs because I can’t settle as I’m too anxious. When I’m doing anything like showering or eating in a different room I just panic.
This is a big part of the problem.
The whole situation has completely overwhelmed my system, so I’m trying to find a balance now between allowing myself to rest, and trying to step forward.
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Re: Current Situation - Rock Bottom
Yes I can see you’ve retreated into your room so much it has become your only safe place. But it you’re panicking in your room, what’s the difference in panicking downstairs? Could you not wait till everyone’s out and just sit downstairs with your iPad or something.
Woukd you panic at your girlfriends if you stayed there for a while?
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Re: Current Situation - Rock Bottom
It’s just become the ‘safe place’ hasn’t it.
Getting out of here as much as possible is my main goal though, along with eating.
I’m agoraphobic as it is, so I wouldn’t be able to go to hers, but if I ever recover from this spell, them moving things forward with her and getting away from my family is the ultimate goal. She’s honestly incredible.
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Re: Current Situation - Rock Bottom
This message has been deleted by Fishmanpa.
Reason: I don’t have anxiety, but enjoy going on anxiety forums to belittle people and tell them all how easy it is.
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Re: Current Situation - Rock Bottom
Quote:
Originally Posted by
PHR
This message has been deleted by Fishmanpa.
Reason: I don’t have anxiety, but enjoy going on anxiety forums to belittle people and tell them all how easy it is.
Look tbf I don’t like it when the guy comments on my posts myself but he probably has a point we just can’t see it because of our anxiety.
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Re: Current Situation - Rock Bottom
I didn’t even get chance to read this reply, but I can guess the content. He seems to think it’s easy, and doesn’t get what the anxiety battle entails. He seems like a really nice guy, and I’m sure he’s well intentioned, but his attitude with me is just patronising and he seems to enjoy mocking my struggles. I’m not in the mood for that nonsense at the minute.
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Re: Current Situation - Rock Bottom
Quote:
Originally Posted by
PHR
This message has been deleted by Fishmanpa.
Reason: I don’t have anxiety, but enjoy going on anxiety forums to belittle people and tell them all how easy it is.
Let's see..... 1st heart attack due to a blockage in the 'widow maker'. Triple bypass. Veins taken from my leg and put into my chest. Heart surgeon pointing to the sky when asked how I survived. 2nd heart attack and triple stents. Then immediately after, diagnosed with Stage IVa H&N cancer. Lingual and palatine tonsils removed along with 23 additional nodes taken from my neck. 6 weeks of radiation and chemo. 50% chance of survival and reoccurrence. Depression and physical side effects to this day. A daughter that suffers with extreme depression and anxiety and has attempted suicide. So yeah, I don't know about handling mental challenges :lac:
Top that off with living paycheck to paycheck, bankruptcy, living off Raman and 'you guess what's in it' frankfurters and battling back from being nearly homeless to where I'm at now. I surely don't know what it's like to struggle and worry. There's a big difference between ridiculing someone and pointing out reality. There's also a big difference between those that fight back and those that sit back and bitch about life challenges on an internet forum.
Thank you for affirming the point I made in your other thread. I truly and sincerely hope you find a way to enjoy your life.
FMP
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Re: Current Situation - Rock Bottom
I know you’ve had plenty of real life troubles, and like I had said before, I applaud you for how you’ve come through them.
Your replies to me, however, aren’t helpful, they are just intended to ridicule me, and normally when I’m at my lowest. I do fight back, with everything I’ve got, but at the moment it isn’t proving enough, and I’m losing the battle, badly, which is why I just don’t need any more mocking or belittling.
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Re: Current Situation - Rock Bottom
That's your perception and mindset and it's skewed at best. The point I'm making that you can't see is that reassurance seeking isn't helpful and hasn't helped you in the least. Even this thread, which is just a continuation of your other thread, is just more of the same. One need only read a page or so of the other thread to see the pattern. And now, being that the participation on the forum is down to a handful of members, that little bit of reassurance you are getting will soon dry up as well. As was said on another thread by a long time member, the people who are trying to help are getting burned out and have their own issues to deal with. It truly comes down to you.
Anyway :shrug:
FMP
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Re: Current Situation - Rock Bottom
I absolutely get that. I really do. It’s also me desperately trying figure a way out of this which is actually the problem, I think.
The reason I’m being so needy is because I feel like I’m in a race against the clock now. As much as I’m trying to force food down me, I can’t eat enough food to gain weight, but I’ve already lost 3 stone and am just skin and bone now, so I can’t afford to lose any more (which I am doing). I’m a big 6’ tall bloke and am down to 9 stone 13lbs.
I’ve also never been lower mood wise, and am struggling to find the strength to keep doing this day after day. In my head, one of these things is going to kill me unless I turn this around quickly, so I’m panicking about it all.
You’re right that in an ideal world, I would just shrug my shoulders, lighten up, get some food down me, stop mentioning it, and all this would just slowly blow over, but it isn’t as simple as that. I have my hour a week with my psychologist, then apart from that, it’s just me, left wrestling with myself in my own (evil) head.
I get exactly what you are saying, I really do, but it’s not as easy as you seem to think it is when you are anxious all day every day, and have to fight to do anything that I think might help me.
I know you don’t think so, but I do try mate, ridiculously hard, harder than you will ever know or appreciate. I wouldn’t still be alive if I didn’t.
* I know you will see that as just more moaning, but I was just explaining why I am being so needy, and am feeling so lost at the moment.
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Re: Current Situation - Rock Bottom
I've had a thought PHR, I get the impression that money isn't an issue for you (I don't know if I'm right in that assumption) but have you considered paying to go into a private facility as an inpatient? NHS mental health wards can be tough, but a private one might be quite different? They could support you find a medication that is right for you, provide therapy and get you to a place where you could be on an even keel and start living a more satisfying life. I'm not saying you need to be 'put away' but I know when I was at my worst if I'd had the money I would have tried anything and even considered going into a private clinic.
As it was, I didn't have the money to do a lot of things but I did pay for private counselling (and still do), I did the NHS CBT that was offered, I took the pills that were suggested (paroxetine, promethazine and propanolol), I forced myself to get showered and dressed by a certain time in the morning, I did the guided meditation, I took up yoga, I set myself small tasks to do throughout the day. The hardest thing is trying not to think your way out of it, for me it was more doing the combination of things rather than just thinking - my brain was my worst enemy at that point.
FMP can be quite blunt at times and in all honesty at one point he basically told me to get my head out of my arse, but I did need to hear it. This site is incredibly supportive and I've found it invaluable, but you really need to put in the work at getting well and staying well yourself.
I don't know if any of what I've said is useful, I hope it is, there's no quick fix, but little steps each day,
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Re: Current Situation - Rock Bottom
I have looked before, but I’m agoraphobic, I don’t even know how an inpatient treatment would work really. The Priory is 40 miles away from me. I’m going to spend some time tomorrow trying to find the right help for myself.
‘The hardest thing is trying not to think your way out of it’ - this is my biggest issue, by far!
Haha, I’m fine with blunt, blunt I can handle.
No, it’s helpful, I’ve just got to come up with a bit of a plan, somehow.
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Re: Current Situation - Rock Bottom
I like the idea of creating a list of tasks for the day, I’m going to start with the basics and try and grow it a bit. See if I can.
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Re: Current Situation - Rock Bottom
Quick question, anyone know why my anxiety would get even worse after I’ve eaten?
I’m forcing plenty of food down me now, and I’m not scared of eating for any reason that I’m aware of, but my anxiety always goes through the roof 20 minutes to half an hour after I’ve eaten and stays like it for ages?
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Re: Current Situation - Rock Bottom
Blood sugar spike, happens to me sometimes.
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Re: Current Situation - Rock Bottom
Reckon that’s enough?
It’s really bloody annoying.