Difficult Weekend

I live with my parents and growing up I always had a tense relationship with my dad. Was on edge with him alot. I don't feel ready though to say all what happened when I was younger.

We've got on better than ever this year and I felt happier about that. He's had some stesses lately and sometimes snaps and is thinking about these things. I also lose my temper at times with frustration with this agoraphobia and anxiety.

On Friday I was feeling frustrated and dad had been in a good mood all day. I went in the garden and he could tell something was wrong and he said "What's up with you now?" in a frustrated tone. I told him I couldn't get away when I felt like this. He said something that upset me and because of that I didn't want to talk to him. He kept out of my way too.

On Saturday I was frustrated still and I wasn't happy that dad hadn't apologised to me. To cut a long story short, I don't like how he treats my mum how he speaks to her etc, normally I keep quiet about it but this time I was too wound up and I told him he is selfish and impatient. This made him very angry and he told me he is sick of me being around, he wants me in a home and he said "you can't even hold a job down." some other things were said too.

I was so annoyed and all my feelings about the past came out and I suddenly started saying why do you think i'm so bad with my nerves and I started reeling off things he'd done and said to me.

We haven't spoken since and he's told mum he wants an apology from me. I can't stop thinking about it all.

My boyfriends been with me this weekend, he didn't hear the above argument though cos he was at the shop at that point. But he's been supporting me. And mum just wants dad and I to get on.

Just don't know what to do really. I don't feel like talking to him when he gets home tonight, but mum is stuck in the middle of it.

Thank you for reading,

Heather

Heather,

First of all I'm so very sorry you are having to go through this right now. Second, are you on any kind of medication that might help you to leave the house maybe for a bit to get counseling to help you through the issues with your dad? I don't suppose he would also go, although I feel that family counseling would be the best course. Have you ever told your mum what happened between you and your dad when you were growing up or does she know? I know he didn't really mean it when he said he wanted you in a home, that was said in anger. I think maybe you both need to apologize but as I don't think that will happen, if possible keep your distance until you feel like you can as you are still living under their roof. But, I do feel like you need to work these issues out. It would so help out if he would do it with you but from what you state it doesn't sound like he would be the sort to go to counseling. Maybe your mum would go and she would start standing up for her own self? Hope this helps.

Bel

Oh poor you!

Is your mum supportive of you or does she tend to keep out of things for fear of upsetting your dad? Perhaps you and your boyfriend or another friend could get a place together. It really sounds like your dad could be holding you back on your recovery.

I had a bit of a cr**py step-dad so I kind of understand where you are coming from. So if you need to let loose, just pm me!

Shiv x

Hi Bel and Shiv,

Thank you for your replies, it means alot.

Bel - Mum knows what happened with dad and I when I was younger. She did try protect me but I think she was scared too at times. She is soft hearted and I have talked to her about standing up for herself she does now a bit more than she used to, but she still does take things he says and does what he says more than I would. I've always been soft hearted myself too, but since last year i've been trying to change that.

Councelling may help it's something I know he wouldn't do himself. They both had a lady come here a few times though, to talk to them when I started my current therapy, she mainly made sure they knew about my anxiery and asked if they had any concerns. I'll suggest to mum about contacting her again if its possible for her to see them again, as that may help.

Things were going so well this year with me and dad until now, it's brought memories and feelings back to me.

Shiv - Mum's a bit of both, she does talk to me about things but I feel she sometimes is scared of upsetting him too. An example would be when I was upset about something last year and she came to talk to me about it, and he wanted her to do something with him, he shouted and so she cut our time together short and went to him.

I've had that said to me before about he could be holding back my recovery. I also think memories are too, even when I don't think about the memories they are still making me anxious.

I've also thought about moving out. It's a difficult one because of my problems, and also because despite how it can be with dad and the atomosphere, I am happy in the area we live in, most of the people are nice and look out for you, I'm happy with my bedroom and it's where i've always lived. I know however, that I do need to move out someday and that my boyfriend and I do want our own place and do want our own space and freedom. He also lives with one of his parents at the moment. So I will give moving out some more thought.

Thank you also for the offer for me to PM you, I'll bear that in mind.

Thanks again,



Heather

We still arn't really talking. I did have to tell him how to do something last night and I did sit in the same room as my parents to watch something with them. But I feel distanced from him. He's not speaking to me as he normally would.

He doesn't want to speak to the lady I mentioned in my last post, the lady who I think is a councellor.

I saw my home support worker today and talked to her about things. She thinks things that have happened in my childhood have affected me to be like this. She also talked about me moving out. She said she knows it's difficult at the moment, but that it is something to think about for the future. She thinks memories are causing me to feel tense so much at home.



Heather

helo Heather,i hope you dont mind me saying this,but your Dad sounds like a control freak!The way he controls your mom,and at one time he obviously had an unhealthy hold over you[i too had a step dad with vile tendancies!,he was the only dad i remember having,so was dad to me!]Thes memories can haunt you sweetie,and i am sooo glad you are receiving help.I dont think you should apologise for telling the trith,i am amazed by your courage to confront him with the truth[he wont have liked that much!!!]Try and see it as a step foreward heather!He cant bully you anymore because you have stood up to him!!He will try to make life uncomfortable for you and yor Mom[wil want her to take his side too!]look your Mom may not be able to change her relationship with him or her life with him[that is not an attack on your mom,but she as an adult has made her choice] but YOU can Heather,and i think you have made the first step by standing up for yourself!I wish youall the very best in what ever you decide to do,be brave and move foreward to a happy life,i wish i had !love mary-rose.xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

we are all in the same boat and can guide each other ashore

Hi Mary Rose,

Thank you for your kind reply. I don't mind you saying he's a control freak. I like for people to put what they think. I think he likes to control aswell.

It is a bit scary to stand up to him, but I felt he was putting me down again and I didn't want that anymore.

Thanks again,


Heather

Hi Heather

I hope you are feeling better now, i do understand how you feel i can only agree at what the others have said & to also let you know im thinking of you.

Take Care

Alex

Many People Will Walk
In & Out Of Your Life
But Only True Friends
Will Leave Footprints
In Your Heart

Hi Alex,

Thank you for your reply. It is nice to have the support.

I am feeling better, thank you. Dad has started saying a few things to me, general conversation things, but I did hear mum prompt him a couple of times. I have said things but only short answers, can't bring myself to talk as normal yet. He seems to like to act as though nothings happened but I find that hard.

We were getting on so well this year and some of last year and I felt I perhaps didn't need to talk about the past in councelling, but I now realise I do, this weekends row has brought back memories.

Thank you everyone for your replies,
Take Care,

Heather

Hi Heather

I can understand how you feel.

After not speaking to my dad for 2 years & now currently building bridges, when ive spoken to him on the phone or see him face to face he acts if he has never done a wrong thing in his life, certain people are like that though.

You have been doing so well lately in your achievements & success's etc

Keep your chin up hun.

Take Care

Alex

Many People Will Walk
In & Out Of Your Life
But Only True Friends
Will Leave Footprints
In Your Heart