Anxiety - seems to spiral

Hi all

I feel very anxious this morning and the more that time passes, it gets worse as my mind works overtime :mad:

All started last night. We are going out with friends this evening and my b/f is working late tonight - doing a photoshoot with this actress for her portfolio. Nothing dodgy, he has reassured me of that, as I got a bit insecure when he told me about it last week. But I didnt fly off the handle, I just gor reassurance from him without causing a row.

We are meeting our friends at 8pm and he said he would probably meet me there. I asked him if he thought the photo session would last for 2 hours and he seemed to get a bit irritated and said "well I dont know". At which point I told him to calm down and stop getting stroppy.

Later on yesterday evening I said I wanted to watch this TV program so he went into the other room to use the PC. I turned my laptop on as I wanted to email a couple of people. He came back in and seemed to get annoyed at me for having the TV on and my laptop. He said I'm either watching the TV or using my laptop. I asked him why he was so annoyed but he said he wasn't - he looked annoyed to me (had a right face on him!) but instead of keeping on asking, I let it go. If he's annoyed he should tell me instead of sulking. I can understand he might have been irritated but he just seemed overly moody.

So I had attempted not to dwell on it. This morning however it still played on my mind, why had he gotten so irritated at me asking how long he was going to be? I wasnt trying to keep tabs, I just thought it would be nice if he came home first and we went and met our friends together. And also the TV thing :shrug:

Now my mind is working overtime and I feel anxious. I was waiting for the bus into work and opposite is a florist. They had a display for Valentine's Day in the window. My mind started wandering and convincing myself that my boyfriend would probably forget or not arrange anything.

We are going to the cinema tomorrow together (just us) which will be nice but I kind of wanted to spend the evening just with him. We hardly ever go out on our own. But one of our friends mentioned the pub so my boyfriend suggested we go there afterwards.

I know its all triggering my feelings of low self-worth. I assume my b/f will not bother with anything on Valentines Day simply because I dont see myself as worth bothering with. The fact we dont go out a lot on our own gets me down sometimes too as I wonder why, and it makes me think he doesnt want to spend time on his own with me. We always seem to end up in this certain local pub and I dont want to be in there all the time.

I would have liked to have spent tomorrow evening on our own but looks like we are going to meet up with friends. I dont want to upset my boyfriend by tackling the issue. But then, I'M not happy and I put that to one side.

Just feel really cr*p now, I want to cry and just feel on a downer in general. All because my b/f got a bit moody and I've taken it totally to heart :wacko:

Do you guys think I should suggest going out with him next week, on our own? I'm kind of frightened to ask, I feel like I SHOULDN't ask. Which is ridiculous.

Edit: I've just reread this post and it sounds very confused and all over the place - feeling insecure and now wanting to go out with my b/f on my own. But I guess that's just how I feel. I think this "going out on our own" issue has been bothering me for a while.

xxxxx

Hi Lilith,

Don't worry about the clarity of your post. I understand everything that you've expressed. Something very similar happened to me a number of years back. I'd like to offer some logical points for you to consider in your situation. But, the first thing is that you must stop punishing yourself by questioning your self-worth. The question that comes to mind immediately, is what is it that is causing you to feel this way? You mentioned multiple times, words such as too frightened, anxious, annoy, and irritated. Why is this? Is this relationship based on trust and honesty? These fundamental questions and feelings are important to consider because you don't deserve to feel like this at all!

Another thing, is that you can't assume things. Just like you mentioned about wondering whether or not he has any plans for both of you on Valentine's Day. Has he ever shown a desire to be with you, and you alone? Does he find ways to show how much he cares for you? Now, if the answer is No to both those questions, then I can see where some these feelings are coming from. But, if the answer is Yes, then you owe it to yourself to stop worrying about what he has planned for the future. Let tomorrow worry about itself.

The final point, and perhaps the most poignant, is actually a question to you... Have both of you ever sat down, where you were able to express your entire feelings to him? By doing this, you will see not only as to whether or not he is concerned with your feelings, but for you, a way to get every feeling you have deep inside out in the open, thus lifting the burden that you seem to have right now. From this, you will know what direction that you need to go with this.

I'm sorry if I over-stepped my bounds here. This is familiar to me, so I thought I could possibly help you. I hope that it does.

Please take care of yourself,

David

Thanks for your reply David, not you havent over-stepped any boundaries, I am glad of the advice.

I think to a certain extent me and my b/f both have issues with trust. I have this fear of being abandoned in general and being let down. I have low self worth and think that every girl is a threat to me. He does get worried sometimes too, but he never really talks much to me about it. The other day he got concerned and actually told me. He said he doesnt say anything because his last g/f used to go mad at him. I said if anything, the fact you are telling me makes you more human to me. I said I want us to keep talking and being open - and yet I freeze up when I want to tell him something :wacko:

Last Valentines day (our first together) he got me half an hour playing on a Steinway piano which was amazing and something I have always wanted to do! It was wonderful :) I dont have any proof that he wont make an effort this year. I think it is purely down to my mood at the moment that I doubt him.

Only last week I sat him down and told him how I feel. I tried explaining as best I could how the anxiety makes me feel. I explained how he has done certain things and how they upset me. I got things off my chest. But now this thing of us not going out on our own that much has come up. Its not that I didnt tell him last week because I was worried, I genuinely hadnt thought of it.

I guess it only becomes an issue when I think we can spend a night out alone together and he has other ideas. I end up assuming he doesnt want to be alone with me, I assume the worst and it eats away at me. I get anxious just thinking about talking to him about it because he has been frustrated with me before when I talk about stuff I'm not happy with. I think he sees it as a personal attack.

I sometimes feel like I am making all the efforts for us to go out alone. I'm not saying he never does because a while before xmas we went out for something to eat, but it can be months before we do go out alone and I feel like I am the one giving "the nudge" most of the time. I also fear that if I keep having to do this, I will eventually get fed up and not bother making the effort anymore and then we probably wont go out on our own at all.

I think my fears of talking about my feelings come from my low self worth and maybe me thinking that my concerns dont deserve to be heard. I fear I am making a fuss over nothing. I worry that I will upset my b/f (and in fact anyone) if I talk about something which is upsetting me.

xxxx

I understand and appreciate your feelings. Now that you have talked to him before about the earlier feelings you've had, have you mentioned to him also about how you feel about you having to make all the efforts for both of you to go out alone? Remember this, "When in doubt, lay everything out!" I know that sounds corny, but the message is crucial.

I wish I could find some way to express to you the importance of erradicating this feeling of low self worth. Truthfully, I suffer of the same thing as well, along with severe depression, anxiety, OCD, etc. But, that only goes so far, because I had to come to a stark realization. This reality is the fact that I will not gain anything positive by tearing myself to pieces. There is no doubt, it is easier said than done, but like I said before, you owe it to yourself to eliminate this from your mind. I need to do the same as well.

One other thing that I see here, is that it takes incredible effort for many people who struggle with depression, anxiety, and other problems, to express themselves either verbally, and written as well. This means that you already do have strength of heart. This is indesputable. So, you really need to start giving yourself credit for that. With this in mind, you must find ways to build on this foundation.

I'm not trying to be philosophical, but rather practical. I need to practice what I preach because this is really good stuff!!! :-) LOLOL Thought you might have a smile with that. But, yeah, continue being open and direct with him. Even how you have been feeling lately in terms of how you feel about yourself. All of these feeling could also be due to fatigue, OCD, and anxiety. There are others too, but you see what I'm saying. So, just remember that by you worrying and fearing things, will not make things better. What they will do is spiral into depression. I will finish with re-assurting the fact you are a strong person, and that it is up to you to build on it.

Take care,

David