Its a long story but i have had many highs and many lows.. my last high was 2 weeks ago, i felt on top of the world, started writing a book (a good one..the idea was just flowing out my brain), was desperate to get my husband home from work and having sex every day sometimes twice a day, had racing thoughts so bad i wanted someone to hit me round the head with a bat!, couldnt sit still or eat, couldnt drive, my hands wouldnt keep still on the wheel....bought myself loads new clothes and had a positive outlook..i booked up haircut and beauty sessions but then couldnt go due to not being able to sit still...i wasnt eating and lost about a stone in weight, didnt feeel hungry at all, was sweating and not sleeping (maybe 2-3 hours according to my fit bit)
i felt so good but the racing thoughts, fast talking and lack of sleep were slightly too much as i couldnt maintain daily function so i saw my gp (a temp/locum) who pescribed sleeping pills (zopiclone).. ( i didnt take them) i done a mood survey with him and (obviously came back like i was doing great!)
Now i feel like Im tumbling into a low, i feel terrible, weak, sick, lathargic, tired... dont want anyone near me or talking to me..this process has been happening to me for years..but now i feel that it has become more extreme..
Thing is, 4 years ago my GP suggested i was showing signs of bipolar and referred me to a pdoc for assessment...they asked if i had a family history of Bipolar, i said 'no' but i didnt realise it was 'manic depression' in which case 'yes' but didnt know until i reserached the condition online..i didnt even realise it was a real thing (my ignorance) when i read about the condition things really added up (i ticked a lot of boxes if not most of them!) the GP i was seeing was really good and he saw me in all 'states', it was like he knew me (but he left has the surgery now) and the other docs just seem to be temps just recently..thats if i can ever get an appointment..
My initial appointment was with the psychatrist was re arranged twice by the CMHT because of lack of staff at the time, so it took over 2 months and by the time the assessment came through by then i felt better. the morning of the appointment my car broke down in the middle of the road while taking my kids to school, the cambelt snapped on my new vw, i was told by the AA man it was ruined as good for scrap (i had just bought it for 4k) so i was stressed that morning, i had no transport so i had to run to my appointment which was 3/4 miles away in the town centre and i was late by about 20 mins...the pdoc was waiting by the door for me as i was late, she looked peed off, she couldnt find a room for us to talk in (as i was late?) and we moved rooms twice during my appointment so i didnt feel settled, people kept knoocking the door saying they 'i need this room' so just as we started talking we got disturbed :( my appointment lasted no more than 6/7 mins and her verdict was that im 'just a busy mum with stress'.. which i knew wasnt true but on the day it looked that way. i was asked about 5 or 6 questions
who do i live with/how many kids? do i work?
why do i think i have bipolar? (i explained that i was hoping she could tell me that)
how is my house? is it tidy at home?
do i like poetry? you look like you like poetry? (wtf)
maybe a couple of other basic questions, none that stood out....
then she went on to talk about her own career, saying she qualified 2 years ago or something and invited me out to a night she does at a local pub as i look like the 'arty type' (im not kidding you) she was thinking 'i need to get out more' and said she doesn't think i suffer from 'depression' let alone bipolar
i could have unraveled my many suicide attempts (my gp knew about these), my hospital visits, my previous addictions, my family who have similar mh probs, my racing thoughts, my erratic head on collision into a lampost car crash, my spending and long long history of depression etc but no, nothing was asked about that
so maybe things happen for a reason
I was too weak and intimidated to fight my case and then after further research online, and i was worried i would have to tell the dvla and they would take my driving licence away if i was diagnosed..my gp medical records show notes about my erratic car crash i had while feeling rather elated also all my insurances would go up if i have bipolar diagnosis (travel/life insurance) as well as my job applications would need a declaration which might have resrictions and i didnt particualy want to take any meds anyway which i would need to in order to prove i was stable??, i thought i could deal with it myself but im starting to doubt that, i dont think i can do this on my own my brain feels messed up...the anti depressants i took (up until 2013) sent me on a high i was going to London lots with friends doing graffiti painting, my husband at home looking after kids all day while i was out, and i had set up an art page on facebook to publish all the art i was doing, where i suddenly got lots of 'fans' and messages from random people (i never replied to any messages)..
My husband got so stressed with how i was acting he thought i was going off and having an affair ( i wasnt) he got extremely stressed from it, like i have never seen him before... he ended up colapsing at work with weak limbs and extreme head pains and ended up in hospital for a week or so, he had a brain bleed and/or blood clots and it took him a while to recover, he had to leave his job and i had to inject him daily with blood thinner jab for a month, we sorted things out and i decided to come off the anti-d's as i figured this was why i was acting different? He has never really understood my mental health issues and thinks i could just 'snap out of it' or just leaves me to 'get on with it' as he has got hang up's and blocks it out as his mum was a paranoid schitz (sorry cant spell) and spent most of her life in a mh hospital (since my husband was 5 years old) he never wants to talk about it and says he cant deal with it...so any mention of my MH was like 'change the subject' although has has got better in understanding he doesnt 'discuss' Mh feelings with me...he is quite happy when im on a high (sex and me being positive etc) and he even went out to the shop especially to buy me some 'ginger tea' as he heard it was 'settling' when i was un settled...bless him..i do love him to bits
i have been living healthly eating well, no alcohol, dont smoke, vegetarian diet, fruit, i only drink water and have been doing well from september until now (sept was my last 'episode') i have been taking vallium to deal with this just vallium (diazepam) to try and knock myself out but i think im becoming emune to it as i get no effect. so now im craving harder stuff and been seeking where i can get it from :(
my refering GP was confused with the outcome as he said he was certain i would get a diagnosis and wanted to re-reffur me but i said no just leave it! (i couldn't go through it again)
i did speak to another (temp) GP a while ago about bipolar, he said that most people with bipolar have excessive spending habits and are normally in dept, so he said its unlikely if im not spending loads of money. he didnt acually ask if i did.
i do have stupid spending habits i dont know if its extreme though..like i spent £400 on groupon lucky dip boxes cause i was convinced i was going to win an imac or ipad, i just got cheap junk sent to me and it cost me about £50 to return them all :( i dont work so i dont actually have much money to spend.. :/
i woke up one morning and saw a puppy for sale, i dropped everything and went and bought her, i called her Bella, she was beautiful, my husband went mad, i didnt think it through at all, 2 weeks later i gave her up as i had plunged into a depression, i feel terribly guilty about it.
i think it was the fact the pdoc said "i dont think you suffer from depression' that was the worst part as i have spent so much time low in my life and sometimes i cant even speak or move im so depressed was intimidating.
A few months later i spoke to my neighbour, she is a private psychotherapist who has many bipolar patients, she was always inviting me round for 'wine' and i think she liked me (not sure if she was gay but was i got the impressions she was) she was moving house and i had been feeding her cats while she was away so i asked a favour back, i told her about my experience. She said she had always noticed me as someone with highs and lows (traits) and she already knew about some of my adventures, she said it was hard to get a diagnosis unless they see you in a 'full on state' and advised me to get a mood chart (from the bipolar site) nobody had told me this before (why??) it made sense but i didnt know about it..
she was one of the only people that saw me after i crashed my car into a lampost, she said i didnt look right then and knew there was somthing going on with me.
i have been filling in a mood chart on and off the the past few years, it is helpful as i understand 'moods' now much clearer, im still dealing with these feelings alone but have changed my lifestyle to include exercise and health eating which has helped but then out of the blue i get these mood shifts thrown at me and find it difficult to cope so i just have to ride with it..im reluctant to get any help
sorry for the essay
