ROCD, HOCD, anxiety? literally at my wits end.

i just really need somewhere to vent my feelings, even though talking about this is likely to make me feel anxious and sad again. however, i feel like i need to do this and start to solve my problems for once and for all.

i literally feel like i am at my wits end and i don't know why i am acting like this. i think i may have ROCD and HOCD, or just general anxiety. i don't even know if it is possible to have all three conditions at the same time, but it certainly feels that way. anyway moving on to my story, i am a 19 year old student, going to university and right now i am currently in my very first relationship which has lasted for 3 months so far now. the problem is, is that i constantly doubt and question my relationship and sexuality (to say the least), and it drives me absolutely crazy at times, like there's no relief or something.

referring to the ROCD part, i know i have liked the boy i am currently going out with for a long time. for around a year and 3 months i'd say, before we actually started to go out, no doubt about it. as soon as i started the relationship i was happy because this was something that i wanted for a terribly long time and suddenly it was happening, but at the same time i had an off feeling and he even pointed it out to me when we were kissing, which upset me. i wanted to enjoy the moment, but i could feel myself saying, "is this right?" i remember on my way home from meeting up with him, i started to have doubts and constantly worry, "am i doing the right thing?" "do i really like him", "how can you be sure", "this feels strange and wierd". i remember i had terrible stomach aches and i was feeling in huge conflict with myself. at the time, i just put these thoughts down to first relationship jitters and doubts.

however, there are times that i absolutely love talking to him and being in his company (when i'm not feeling anxious). other times, i question whether i am faking it and am just going along with it. i am frightened and upset that my feelings aren't consistent. in addition, i question whether i am always meant to feel overly happy and lovey dovey when i'm talking to him. i hate my how my feelings go on and off like a yo-yo. emotion to emotionless. one minute i am certain that i really like him, the next not so much. i remember after we made our relationship "official" we went through a brief rough patch, due to a lack of communication. i remember then how i missed him so terribly, and how i was dying to talk to him again. looking back, that made me realise how i genuinely liked him.

but to make matters more complicated, sometimes i feel like 'running away' from it all, like running away from the relationship. i don't understand how someone could take interest in me. sometimes i fear he'll go back to his ex. i know i have low self-esteem and even he has pointed that out to me, because i put myself down and don't believe him when he says something nice about me. sometimes i have terrible stomach cramps thinking about my relationship and i don't know why. i don't want to feel like this and i am frustrated that i do. i want to feel normal for once.

i am constantly ruminating over the validity of my feelings and whether i actually like him and feel sexually attracted to him, when i know that i do. sometimes i just question whether i am fooling myself about it all. sometimes when i talk to him, i think to myself, 'stop faking it'. it's gotten to the extent where i can even be 'bed-bound' by my thoughts. it feels like nothing else matters in the moment and i am losing the motivation to do my university work. i feel drained, run down and sometimes i get headaches. it's like my relationship has eclipsed all other aspects of my life, like the other aspects don't matter anymore and it's frustrating because i know how important it is to keep a healthy balance in life. between work/studying, love, lesuire time ect.

i know i don't want to break up with him. even contemplating about it makes me feel uneasy and weird. other times when i think about it, it makes me emotionless and that even that in itself unnerves me greatly. i just don't understand how all my strong feelings can just disappear on a whim like that sometimes. but then they come back again and i feel reassured. i feel terribly horrible for feeling this way and i just wish that i could gain absolute certainty about the whole sitiation and stop thinking about my relationship all the time. right now i feel emotionless because i don't know what to think anymore. but i do know when i'm not stressing about the whole issue, i feel happy to talk to my boyfriend (via text or phone). sometimes i wonder if it's enough and whether i should be feeling more than happiness in that particular moment, like romantic feelings for instance. we've planned to meet up soon and i'm frightened because i don't know how i'll act or feel around him. thinking about it makes me really nervous and scared, even though i have no reason to be. i don't want to constantly ruminate and waste our scheduled time together.

sometimes, he unknowingly makes matters worse. he triggers me off by asking if he is annoying me, or making me angry by talking to me sometimes, then it makes me question everything again, which makes me feel anxious once more. or, if i find something relating to my anxieties on twitter posted by a 'relationship account', it triggers me off and making me feel guilty and anxious.

to make matters worse i have an addiction to using astrology and dream meanings to reassure me and validate my feelings sometimes. for example, when i read a 'good' forecast or interpret a good dream meaning using the web, it reassures me. when i read a 'bad' forecast or interpret a bad dream meaning using the web, it unnerves me and makes me feel anxious, like it's going to be a self fulfilling prophecy, or something.

just looking back on what i have written makes me feel like a mad person. i just want to enjoy my relationship and not constantly worry and question it all the flipping time. it's reaching the point where i am constantly googling whether what i am feeling is normal or not and i am searching websites such as this one for reassurance. i can't tell anyone how i am feeling because genuinely, i feel like a crazy woman. i just wish i could give him what he deserves by feeling consistent in my feelings and emotions. i feel terribly guilty and anxious, or sometimes even emotionless about it. i literally just can't keep track of myself.

i'll be brief with the HOCD part because i don't want to drag on anymore, but my HOCD was triggered when i came across a picture of a pretty girl i found in january and i found her attractive, and even had a 'groinal' response which freaked me the hell out to say the least. now it's reaching the point where i constantly question every girl i come into contact with, about whether i find them attractive or not, and if i do get a reaction, i freak out and hate myself. sometimes i stare and i wish i could stop myself from doing so. i have even felt false attractions which makes me feel so odd, distressed, disgusting and off. sometimes, i deliberately look at pictures of girls or real life girls and tell myself, "you find them attractive, stop lying to yourself". i feel my attraction for guys in general diminishing occasionally and i hate it. sometimes i feel it coming back, for example when i talk to my boyfriend, but most of the time i feel like i am on edge or something waiting for a trigger.

i have another minor worry of whether i find my sister attractive and it makes me feel absolutely disgusting even contemplating the thought.
i hide all these worries behind a smile because i know that if i even suggested the idea of going to conselling or therapy, my mom would laugh it off, or tell me that i am 'overreacting' and that i need to stop worrying over nothing, or in the case of ROCD break up if i don't know what i want with my boyfriend.

so in a summary:

- i constantly question and go over my feelings for my boyfriend and can never seem to find a resolution. my feelings don't feel consistent sometimes and i worry about why this is so. i can't keep track of them
- i have low self-esteem issues and feel like running away sometimes (like self sabotage)
- i feel run down, tired and have no motivation to complete my university work because of the constant ruminations i have
- i use astrology and dream meanings for reassurance which can either make me feel better or worse
- i feel like HOCD over complicates matters and the thoughts that i have feel distressing to say the least.
- i worry whether i find my sister attractive, which disgusts me.

well, i am well and truly at my wits end and i don't know what to do about this all. if anyone has any advice i would greatly appreciate it and i thank anyone who has taken the time to read about my issues, thank you.

Hello violetgirl,

It sounds like you are having a really distressing time, I'm sorry to hear that and I hope that you're doing as ok as you can be!

I don't know if I can be any help, but I wanted to let you know that firstly, you're not alone, and secondly, reading your post really really helped me! I'd never heard of ROCD/HOCD until yesterday, it's so bizarre because I'd just been talking to a friend on Friday night about my anxiety and so much of what I was trying to tell her is similar to what you've said in this post - just to read that someone else has similar difficulties felt like a huge flood of relief and so I really want to thank you for being so brave and honest in your post.

I related to so much of it - the emotionless, detached feeling, and how unnerving/distressing it is to wonder where your previously strong feelings have gone, sometimes it's like a switch, and then as you say they come back and you feel reassured. When it's bad I worry constantly about whether things are 'right' and feel like I can't trust how I feel (this is a common thought I have about lots of things, not just my relationship), even though I have been with my partner over 5 years and I know I love him and want to stay with him, I question every little thing about how I feel and whether it's how I 'should' be feeling.

I find other people's break-ups especially triggering - if I hear someone I know has broken up with their partner I get really obsessed with whether or not I should break up with my boyfriend, and start questioning everything they've said to see if it applies in my relationship - it's incredibly distressing and makes me feel sick with anxiety and guilt over why I am having those thoughts and why I am questioning things. I have also been very preoccupied with dreams and what they mean, and whether it is my subconscious trying to tell me something I won't let myself acknowledge.

I am unsure about HOCD myself as I think I might well be bisexual but I definitely feel like that confuses things, and adds an extra element to constantly question myself about.

But enough about me! From your post it sounds like you are feeling really distressed by your feelings. I know it's so easy to say, but I think you need to be a bit kinder to yourself and give yourself a bit of a break. I feel like I'm realising that so much of the problem for me is the guilt that I attach to these thoughts. They feel like a guilty secret and I worry that I 'shouldn't' be thinking them, but I've realised this just gives them more power over me. It's ok to question things. It doesn't mean they are wrong. I'm trying to remind myself that feeling like 'I don't know' is ok - if the relationship really WAS wrong I probably would know, and giving the uncertain thoughts too much power is just preventing me from enjoying the many good parts of our relationship.

Another thing I thought reading your post - it sounds like you might find some counselling/therapy helpful. Do you need to tell your mum? I see that you're at university, does your uni have a counselling service you could contact? I think a lot of them do, and it's usually free to use - mine did and I had lots of free sessions with them which was so, so, helpful. There was barely any waiting list, I only wish accessing free counselling was so easy outside of university! Use it while it's available. Otherwise speak to your GP as they may know of another free, local service you could try - there is likely to be a longer waiting list though. You don't have to tell anyone if you don't want to. I'm thinking of trying to find a therapist who specialises in anxiety disorders/obsessive thoughts. I've seen a counsellor at various difficult times in my life and it's always been a great help.

Also in relation to university, starting university is a massive change and I think this can leave you a lot more vulnerable to anxieties and uncertainties. It's probably something everyone goes through to some extent, but if you suffer from anxiety it's more likely to become distressing and disruptive, and could trigger other worries. My anxiety was especially bad at this time - I became convinced I had some kind of stomach cancer and was going to die, it stopped me from working or enjoying anything, but eventually things got better and I stopped living under its shadow. You can get through this. I used to have OCD very badly in my early 20s, the more classic kind, centred around checking things were switched off - it got to the point where I could hardly leave the house, but these days it's rarely a problem, I never would have believed that I could get to the point that I'm at now but somehow I got through it and you will too.

Sorry for the long post, I don't know if any of it helps but I guess the main point is you're not alone. Be kind to yourself. If it would help to talk about it anymore then I'd be totally happy too, either on this thread or you could send me a private message.

Take care of yourself!

xx

hello Misabel

thank you for your response, it is so reassuring to know that i am not the only one going through this and that i am not going completely mad! i am sorry that you are suffering from similar problems like me, i know how terrible it feels as you have read from my post :( i truly hope you feel better. i have recently purchased "Brain Lock", it is a book about OCD and i am going to try and apply the techniques in it, maybe you could see if it gives you any relief too ? i hope you feel better soon!

Hello,
I'm a first time poster on here but I literally made an account to post on this topic. I read your post and I don't have a cure for you, but I am exactly the same way. I've been dating my boyfriend for a year and 3 months also, and I've been having these unnerving feelings for a little over half the relationship. I too read astrology in hopes that it will reassure me that I love my boyfriend. TO MAKE MATTERS WORSE, he's two years younger than me. I just turned twenty and he's a month away from being eighteen. It sounds like a strange match, but it feels as though there is no age difference until someone points it out to me.
I know talking about myself isn't what I'm supposed to do on someone elses post, but sometimes it helps to hear that you're not alone with your symptoms.
If you could share some of your techniques that your learning in your book, that'd be great. Us OCD people need to stick together :/

Sorry if I wasn't much help, I just wanted to tell you that you weren't alone.

It is always hard to relinquish control. But the thing to remember is that the desirous thoughts you've been having are not your fault. If your body reacts to something, there is pretty much nothing to be done about it, so try not to blame yourself. We have all had perverted thoughts go through our heads at inappropriate times or about people we really shouldn't be having them about, it's totally okay! It's weird but its not, because I guarantee you pretty much everyone else has had such internally shocking thoughts before at some point. And the fact that you recognize the abnormal qualities of these thoughts is proof enough that you don't have to worry about it! Sorry if I failed to express what I meant well but the point is you are not the only one!

Hey!

I am also new here and I registered because I saw that post and I can say that I feel the same way...I am 20! I question myself about my feelings for my boyfriend everyday. I also have low self esteem. I feel that I have HOCD and everyday I check myself if I am attracted to every girl that I see in the street. You made the best description about whats going on my mind. Its really really really awfull. When I read this post I cried because I feel exactly the same way and sometimes I want to die...cause my life changed suddenly in a way that I dont like...You know I was ssssooooo HAPPY when we made our relationship and now suddenly everything on my mind has been destroyed...:unsure:
Fortunately I have my mother who understands me...Well she told me that everything is on my mind and its not real! Nevertheless Ι have the same thoughts over and over again :tongue:
I think that the best we can do is to go on a therapist, I havent yet but I think this could be a good solution..Also a book about OCD or HOCD or ROCD would be a good solution for us.!

Hey all,

I just wanted to share you guys my storie. It would be great if some of you could say if it sounds familiair to you.

2,5 months ago I went for a Holiday trip with my boyfriend. I had a rough year in which i completely lost myself in study/friends and I lost my Grandma, my father and mother became Ill but at that time i didn't realised how much it affected me.

When we arrived in our holiday appartement i couldn't relax....I was to worried if it was romantic enough (because that is what you do when you are on your first holiday with your boyfriend...haha). And because i felt so horrible and guilty, everywhere i saw these happy beautifull women (and i felt ugly and tired). And from that moment on I started to worry: maby i like women. It felt so strange. I thought: when we'rer back home, everything feel snormal again I just need some rest at home. But thing got worser when i arrived home, everywhere where i saw a women i checked: is she beautiful/do i like her more than that men overthere. I couldnt stop crying. I told my mum and she was very supportive as always.

Thing with my boyfriend went not that good, i couldnt have sex with him and because he is not that masculine (and like gardening haha) i stared to see him from a different angle and think: maybe he also is gay :P and are just together because we dont want to accept it (but i never felt that way!!!!! he is very beautiful). I told him about my worries of becoming a lesbian tough, and he also was very supportive.
Note: i did watched lesbian porn and i did not find it horrible, but i always felt in love with boys and like their attention...i also got some lesbian fantasies and have tought: what if i should try it someday...but i never felt the extreme urge to do it and the sex with my boyfriend was very good!


So on I wen to a psychiatrist and told my problems. I told him that i also started to worry about the love for my boyfriend (of course!) and that i really do not wanted to loose him (because i knew these things were in my head). These HOCD toughts vanished to the background but the worry about the love for my boyfriend stayed....I could not see him in the way i used to see him. I started to overanalyse the relationship (maybe it has always been wrong, maybe i am afraid of being alone, maybe i really AM lesbian etc etc )

The worry is still there, yesterday we went out for dinner and an hour before we should meet eachother i started to feel soooo nervous! I didn't know what to say to him anymore i couldn't eat so we went home earlier. The HOCD toughts were there again (I felt like my boyfriend was to childish and everyone on the streets could see that this relationship is not meant to be). I felt horrible because 2,5 months ago i felt like his princess (altough this sounds horrible haha).


Do you sufferers ever get toughts like: 'You know its over...please accept it' 'You know you are lesbian...just accept is'. Sometimes i feel the anxiety, sometimes i don't....i feel so confused.

well...long story and english is not my own language so i hope you guys can understand....


x rosie

Yes I have the same thoughts with you Rosie....One day I thought ..<come on you are lesbian you have to accept it > I was so scared with this thought!
Also I have big problems with my bf because ,all day I worry for our relationship....<what if he is bored with me?,,what if he wants to break up with me? What if I tell lies to myself that I am straight thats why I have relationship issues too?what if I DONT love him any more and dont break up because I dont want to be lonely? > etc etc....its soo bad! And it has nothing to be with my boyfriend...I know that its me who has has the problem.

By the way did your psychiatrist advice u?