Scared of everything

Hi, I'm 31 and I live in the UK with my cat.

I am scared of so many things. I feel like it's really getting in the way of my life, most things are either terrifying, or I avoid them altogether.

Right now my biggest problem is this:
Tuesday week I am having an operation. I am terrified of hospitals/needles/indignity (and as operations go, there's not a lot more undignified than the one I'm having). I burst into tears just having a blood test. I have no idea how I am going to get through this. I'm not really worried about anything going wrong, I'm scared of saying things I'll regret later under the influence of the drugs, and I'm scared of strangers seeing me naked. I already feel dirty and disguisting just thinking about it.

Obviously CBT is not going to fix this by next Tuesday, and antidepressants just make me worse, but is there any type of treatment that can stop the panic attacks just for a week? I'm totally drained from daily panic attacks and I'm worried if I have a panic attack in the hospital they might decide to delay until I'm feeling "better." Waiting again would be my worst nightmare. But can I take anything if I'm going to have an anaesthetic?

In between now and then, I'm also starting university studying animal care. I'll tell you about my social anxiety and horse and dog phobias later! Right now all I can think about is the operation. The panic attacks are exhausting and my sleep is poor, I'm weak as I can barely eat at the moment, I can't concentrate. I'm going to make such a bad 1st impression on my tutors and the other students.

I'm sure I sound like a total raving lunatic. I promise you I'm not normally like this! I will introduce myself properly when I'm feeling more coherent.

hi,how about asking your doc if theres anything to calm you down?dont be ashamed to ask :)

---------- Post added at 01:12 ---------- Previous post was at 01:11 ----------

by the way im scared of everything too:blush:

Hi Edie

We just wanted to welcome you aboard to NMP. We hope you enjoy your stay here and get all the support and advice you need.

Please take some time to read the website articles on the left as well for loads of advice and tips.

i agree with lisamn31 i have a big issue with asking for help when i need it but when it comes to something like an opp u really do need to ask your GP or you could try and get in contact with your surgical consultant just remember no matter what you say they can never repeat it to anyone doctors nurses and surgical staff in this country are very professional and take their oaths very seriously. keep us updated

I phoned up the hospital and they confirmed there is nothing I can take the day of the operation to stop me freaking out, and that if I have a panic attack whilst waiting, they will refuse to go ahead.

The panic attacks got really bad and I was unable to enrol at university. But it's OK, they are holding my place until after the op. I went to the doctor and I've now got diazepam so I can at least sleep at night, which is helping me suppress the worst of the panic.

I didn't want my mum to see me all upset in the hospital, but after the states she's seen me in this week I'm resigned to that now. I need her to distract me and keep me calm enough for the op to go ahead.

The consultant has made some special allowances for me because I'm so terrified, and I really, really hope there will not be a long wait in the hospital, because if that happens I might get very panicky waiting and because of the uncertainty.

Ask about a sedative, there is definitely something that they can do, but you need to be very firm with them.
I'm an awful denta-phobe (is that the word?) Lol..and even when I have a general, I have been given a mild sedative which makes my anxiety so much better. x

OK, I said I was going to come back and introduce myself properly. I'm sorry if I go on a bit, I seem to do that sometimes.

I'm pleased to tell you that the operation went very smoothly. I was crying and crying beforehand, I felt like I was being led to my execution, but they actually supported me very well and I did not have to wait upon arriving at the hospital because of the special allowances made for me due to my anxiety. I am so grateful for this!

Well, now this drama is out of the way, let me tell you about myself.

I'm 31 years old and I live in Surrey, UK, with a very naughty cat.

I've had depression since my teenage years, which is now very much under control. As a result of the improvement in my depression, anxiety has become my most major issue. I tried a lot of antidepressants, and suffered bad side effects from all of them, so would not be willing to try them to manage my anxiety.

About 10 years ago I suddenly began suffering from a lot of tiredness, having previously been very active, even during the worst of my depressions. My doctor and counsellor blamed it on depression and laziness, but after my depression improved and I was able to highlight the different times of onset, it has been diagnosed as a separate condition: Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. I am moderately affected, I can deal with personal care and part time work, but I still struggle with the "extras" in life such as being able to socialise or take part in hobbies.

Shortly after this diagnosis I started to realise that I was different to others in ways not explained my by depression/anxiety. A couple of people unknown to each other told me I seemed a lot like their children with Asperger's, but I read about it and didn't see any of it in myself. I started discussing my differences with my counsellor and he put them all down to low self-esteem stemming from depression. I was annoyed by this as I didn't feel inferior due to my differences, just simply different. Eventually I read an article where the author wrote about how she felt, and I found so much in common with myself, and at the end she said that she had Asperger's.

By this time I was married, but I felt afraid to talk to my husband about Asperger's. Then one day he handed me a book and said, "this book is about you." The book was The Unfortunate Incident Of The Dog In The Nighttime, and was about a boy with Asperger's. Having read the book, I talked to him about my suspicions, and when we read about Asperger's I would say things like, "but I don't have that symptom," and he would gently point out that I actually did. The problem with Asperger's is that we can be quite unaware of how we come across to others and not realise how strange we actually seem.

5 years ago I was formally diagnosed with Asperger's. Since then, I have learned a lot about myself and the ways I am different, and have learned many new skills about getting on with other people. There is still a lot to learn, but so much has changed and I have much better relationships with people, which has boosted my confidence in trying new social skills.

Despite my husband's support with the Asperger's, there were many problems in our marriage. He had a worsening alcohol problem, worsening mental health problems, and he became increasingly verbally abusive. He refused to seek help, and we divorced 5 years ago. At first he contacted me all the time, and started to befriend my work colleagues and spread lies about me. In the end I moved away from the area, back to live near my parents, and things are much better now.

I was starting to get my life together and decided I wanted to study. I didn't have the grades to study my first choice of subject (Zoology), so I decided it wasn't possible and got a job as a dry cleaner. I have been very happy in my job, but then I heard about more vocational courses in animal care, and I decided for definite to apply for one of these courses. In May/June 2011 I went to many open days and shortlisted some courses and colleges. I applied for a voluntary job at an animal rescue centre to support my application.

Then in June 2011 my brother was knocked off his bike and killed by a drunk driver whilst cycling in California. My parents had waved him off on his bike in Los Angeles and were going to meet him in San Fransisco to celebrate my mum's birthday. They were met by the police at their hotel in SF and told the news, and sent a friend to collect me from work and tell me.

It was a terrible shock and it's been a tough, tough year or so. But I have learned that people are really amazing. My parents have been absolute towers of strength despite their own terrible grief. My brother's friends are such lovely people who have kept in touch and showed us such kindness. Through it all, I have felt this amazing strength that I never knew I had in me, and I have never once felt I could not survive this. It's really not like me, the littlest thing usually sends me over the edge, but somehow I can survive this. There is still a huge hole in my heart, but I also know that there can be happiness in life.

I delayed the start of my voluntary job until after the funeral, and I love working with the poorly hedgehogs and cute baby squirrels and things. I managed to get my university application in a whole day before the deadline, and my boss at my voluntary job wrote a fantastic reference for me. I am due to start my course in Animal Management on Tuesday and looking forward to it so much!

Obviously there are a few nerves, but mostly I am looking forward to it. I'll be a lot older than most of the other students and I'm older than my tutor! I'm also starting 2 weeks late because of all the drama over the operation. Many of the students on the course have already studied lower level qualifications at the college, so will be familiar with the layout and the animals we will be handling. I've never even touched a reptile, for example! Because of the CFS I won't be able to socialise much outside of classes. Because of the AS I am a little socially awkward. So this is all going to make it a little bit harder to fit in. But this course does attract mature students, and we're all going to be interested in animals, so there will be common ground to talk about. And hopefully I can let the younger ones with experience with animals know that I respect their experience and any tips they can give on handling the animals, so they don't think I think I am better than them or anything like that.

In the past, due to my AS, I know I have given off the impression that I don't want to know people, or that I think I am superior. This is because I am very shy and don't tend to approach people and start conversations. But I'm going to try really hard to say hello and smile at new people, and hopefully make a good first impression that I want to be friends - because I do want to be friends!

So yes, a new beginning, hopefully a good one!

Wow, you've been through so much. This sounds like such a positive new start for you. I bet your brother would be so proud of you.

Good luck!

x

Wow. That's quite a story. I'm really sorry to hear of the horrid parts but am so impressed with your strengths. I hope you enjoy the course and I wish you all the very best of luck with it. Paul

Hey, dont worry, im struggling from anxiety, im only 14, but still i can, just dont worry everything is going to be okay, talk to a family meber about it, if not, go to a therapist/counciller, or GP.