I think everyone hates me

I'm in my 3rd week at university and I'm convinced everyone hates me, including all of the students, all of my tutors, and my mentor. A few of them seem to put up with me, but I'm sure they see me as an irritating hanger-on and will get fed up with me soon.

Rationally I know I'm a nice person, and people do sometimes come to like me once they get to know me, it's just that it takes so very long for people to get to know me because I am so shy.

I've had bad experiences in the past, just as I'm getting to know people and they get nasty with me about following them around. And other times when people have misinterpreted my shyness as not wanting to bother with other people because I felt myself superior. I don't want to "attach" myself to someone if it's annoying them, but it's hard to know whether they're putting up with me because I haven't upset them too much yet, or whether they really think I'm OK and want to get to know me.

I'm really shy and quiet because I think everything I say is stupid and will make people laugh at me. I'm autistic, so every once in a while I do say something stupid that makes everyone laugh at me, but not all the time. I don't want people to realise how weird I am.

Today some people were talking about another student who got very upset about a test we did in one of our classes. She is a mature student and they were saying it was stupid for her to be upset and she should be able to cope with life better because she should be more grown up and have handled more adult situations than a difficult test before. I wonder if, when I'm not around, they say I should be more grown up and not be so shy, because I am a mature student too.

I also had a bit of a run-in with my mentor today, because she is supposed to be helping me and all she does is tell me to have more self-confidence and that I will settle in soon, when I feel she should be supporting me to settle in and she isn't! Doesn't she realise how much self-confidence I've found to manage to come into college at all? Some days I think it's enough to manage to get out of bed in the morning and put my shoes on the right feet, but she expects me to just manage stuff everyone else does and it's all too much. I don't know how much more of this "support" I can take, it's really doing my head in and making me angry.

I don't know if I can manage this for 3 whole years.

I know this is a classic anxiety cycle, but I can't break myself out of it.

it is only your 3rd week at University and I would think there are others feeling a bit the same as you. It is not always easy adjusting to new surroundings and new people. I would suggest though that you go to to the student support office and ask if they have a counsellor (most uni's do) That would give you some one to talk to and they would be able to help and support you. :hugs: x

Hi Edie,

Firstly well done for enrolling in college and having the guts to go everyday, that really is some achievement for anyone with anxiety.

As for the everybody hates me title, you summed it up in your second paragraph - I'm a nice person when people get to know me they like me - that's it, that's what you need to hang on to. The first month or so at a new college, school, workplace or anywhere is horrid, particularly if your anxious and shy. I believe most people find it difficult to start with if they don't know anyone and you always get some loud, lairy types who will take the mick out of others but usually this is because of insecurites of their own.

If your mentor isn't helping you, could you ask for another or simply try not to have much contact with her.

Don't think about the next 3 years cos that's a huge amount of time, I did a 3 year course and looking back don't know how I managed it. Take one day at a time, plan to get to the end of this week and see if its any better or worse, try writing down how you feel each day so you can see if its getting better or worse. Next week - commit to staying until midweek and then review it and hopefully you'll think - actually its a bit better I'll stay another week and so on until it becomes enjoyable!

Try to accept that you have anxiety because of the course and although horrid this is normal, try not to keep the cycle going - allow yourself to be anxious - it's OK. It will stop - it always does.

And remember you are a nice person, so what if you say something that makes people laugh - be proud of who you are. You sound a lovely, caring person X

Take care
Sam

There is a counsellor, but I'm already getting my fill of "how does that make you feel" from my mentor. I'm all feeling-ed out and can't really bear to explain it all over again.

There aren't really any loud lairy types on my course. Everyone seems really nice. I just hope I can befriend them before I do their heads in. Not something I have a very good track record with so far. I'm feeling really down about it all still.

Well done on doing something for you! Uni is a great place to explore who you are and what you want. It's also a great way to learn new things, meet new people, have new experiences! All this can teach you more about yourself, and the better you know yourself, the better you can help yourself.

I can completely relate to this like 100%. I am a 3rd Year Uni student and I have felt like this since I began Uni really. I think everyone hates me most the time as well. Especially my tutors, and peers and random members of staff I've spoken to.

I try not to follow people around so much as I'm scared of the rejection, instead I avoid the situation so I feel somewhat in control of it rather than putting myself in the hands of people I've just met. Unfortunately I guess this makes people think I don't like them when really I'm worried they won't want to talk to me etc! But this will most likely leave you on your own wishing you could talk to people you didn't even think much of at the time and spend hours self-loathing.

I would let your friends know you have autism if they don't already. Don't harp on about it though just educate them to what problems you have socially and they will be (hopefully) more mindful and understanding of this if they really are interested in being your friend. You don't have to do this it just might be helpful for them to get to know this part of you better. I can understand it might be difficult because you've probably just met them but try and find the right time like when they mention something about themselves that they find difficult to deal with.

I knew a girl at school who had autism and no one understood her because she would say she was autistic but no one in my school really knew what that meant apart from being 'a bit odd'. - "Education is the key."

I wouldn't take people at Uni too seriously - I found a lot of them are just trying to out do the other and I got very bored of it - All the pranks, going out getting wasted, who can embarrass themselves or others the most basically and who can act like it's not a problem best 'wins'.

My supervisor told me to have more confidence in myself - story of my life, all my life I have been told this, I know it's true, but it's not so easy for me. I don't know why, it's just how I've always been but I do try to be confident.

I would say you are over-thinking and worrying too much about things. You should 'go with the flow' of Uni life meaning take every new experience as it comes, and try to make the most of it! Being a student can be so much fun - much better than working the 9-5 with a load of drab people you can't stand! Lots of things happen at Uni and people will always come and go and you'll still see them around. But it's okay just do what you think is right and try to push yourself out of your comfort zone.

I tried the counselling service at my Uni but it didn't really get me anywhere. It was nice to have someone to talk to but it didn't really change the way I saw myself. I think only you can change the way you see yourself. But that's me. It might help you and I'd say it's worth a try!

I agree with Sam - Be proud of who you are and focus on aspects of yourself that are like-able. I recommend making a list and really thinking of every little and big thing there is to like about you - no matter how weird! Read it to yourself everyday. Do whatever you think will work for you. The more you think you are a like-able person the more likely you are to start fully believing this and this is the key to having confidence in yourself.

Take one day at a time, otherwise everything can seem so much more overwhelming when it need not be!

EDIT: *Sorry this is so long!*
^ great example of self-doubting haha! (I am feeling bad you have to read all this when really I should be thinking it's good I've taken the time to try and help and hopefully this has helped, see what I mean? It's like our brains are always a step ahead trying to make you think things but you've got to nip them in the butt and correct yourself sometimes because these are errors in thinking that come with the negative feelings of anxiety and having a disorder)

Thank you for your post Jo Anna, it's up to me whether I read it or not, so never worry about that! But I did read it and it was helpful.

It was interesting what you said about the autistic girl you knew at school. People don't know what it means so I think it would be a good idea to tell people about my autism and how it affects me. In my case because I am so shy, my social difficulties are less obvious. Autistic people who are more outgoing, it can be very obvious that they socialise very differently. Once I start to feel more comfortable around people, it does become apparent that I am not normal, and that can be when people turn against me. It's difficult because I've already told a few people about having ME and at some point my IBS will become apparent (sudden need to use toilet will have me running out of a class at some point). I don't like to go on and on about all my problems, but there are a lot of them!

My college is very different to most universities. I'm studying animal care at an agricultural college. It's a very small college in a rural location, and the only way to get in is by car, and most of the students are living locally with their parents, so it's quite a different atmosphere, much less focus on socialising outside of class. The class is mostly girls, and the few boys on the course are very much the quiet and gentle type. Sometimes I find other women are much more complicated to get on with, but other times they can be more caring and supportive. I haven't really sussed them out yet, I'm just trying to be friendly with everyone so far but I don't really know how to get beyond, "hello" in a conversation.

If I can get beyond this awkward settling-in period, I think I'm going to really enjoy my course, learn a lot, and make some good friends. It's just so hard at the moment. But in 2 weeks it's half term, yes I get half terms :) I'm looking forward to a rest!

Something very good might have happened.

There was a new girl on Friday. Well at least I thought she was new until I asked if it was her first day, and she told me she'd enrolled with everyone else but had 4 weeks off. I didn't recognise her because I missed the first 2 weeks due to illness. I didn't get chance to chat to her beyond that, but at least I've made the introduction.

She looked incredibly shy, but once I started talking to her she was quite chatty and friendly.

I had an immediate suspicion she may also be autistic like me, though I don't know whether I am right, and if I am right she may not realise herself, so I'm not going to mention the possibility to her, though I will tell her about myself if I can get to know her a bit.

A bit later a group of us were waiting outside the classroom and someone asked her what had been wrong for the last 4 weeks, and she explained she'd had an anxiety problem. She had been to university before and was teased really badly.

Unfortunately I did not get to speak to her after this, but when I next do I'm going to tell her I'm very shy and anxious too.

Obviously it's not good that she suffers from anxiety and had such a bad experience last time she tried university, but she looks like a kindred spirit and I'm hopeful there is a potential friend there.

It's just a shame we now have a 2-week holiday and I won't see her until we go back!

I hope that when you go back you can become good friends with her :) x

That sounds like the start of a beautiful friendship :) I wish you both the best of luck x

I went back to college on Tuesday but the shy girl was not there and they did not read out her name on the registers. It would be a real shame if she has given up, but sadly it does look like she has done.

I did manage to have quite a good day though, probably the best so far in terms of socialising.

I was sent to work in a group with 2 other girls. I was a bit worried because they are best friends with each other and I thought I might be a bit left out, but it wasn't like that at all, they were lovely and we got our task done. One of them had to leave for a doctor's appointment, and the other joined me for lunch. So I am feeling a lot more positive about things now.

i think realistically there will be pople who will like you and those who are indifferent, and don't.
Ae there any other social activities that you can do so you have different circles of friends? Dancing or an evening class (inside or outside college) Sometimes I found that uni/college can feel like a Cruise ship and you're stuck with a particular set of people, but there are "real" people out there too.
I'm shy too, and prone to depression, but I shcoked a friend when she saw me dancing; she said I've never seen you look so confident. Confidence comes from mastery. but worrying about other people might be thinking of you isnt constructive.

I teach dance now as a hobby; there is no such thing as a stupid question, IMO, and my students all adults, have fun learning; because I think they learn better when they are at ease.

my penny's worth.