Fear of conflict with neighbour

Hello,

I'm in my late forties and realised about 6 months ago with the help of my husband that I have SA. It shows up mostly around a fear of conflict (particularly covert conflict). I started CBT but unfortunately the therapist though well intentioned wasn't helpful so I've stopped and am working on things myself. I have been doing a lot of behaviour experiments recently and making progress generally however I have a neighbor who I've become friends with over the past few years who is the big issue right now and I'm not sure how to approach it. I have a pattern of finding certain people difficult to deal with either because I feel like they've been short or rude with me (my main issue) or sometimes I don't want to speak to the other person and don't know how to politely say hi and move on. I know it's not really about this particular neighbour but I'm also stuck on how to move on with regards to her.

We've known each other a while, been out to events together and catch up every so often and have shared quite a few things with each other. Myself and my husband bumped into her and her partner about 6 months ago in our neighborhood and went to say hi as usual and she very quickly said "I can't stop, I have to get home for a work meeting and anyway I'm sure you'd prefer to be standing over there in the sun" and then walked away leaving her partner and dogs behind. It was a bit odd which my husband agreed with (though I interpreted it as her being snappy he said he thought she seemed more anxious). My first thought was that I hope she's ok but I was triggered and gradually started feeling really bad about it, like she doesn't like me etc. I saw her another time in passing and it was ok but I gradually worked myself up to the point that I couldn't sleep two nights in a row. I also popped a holiday gift in afterwards, carrying on as normal. I didn't do it for thanks but never heard from her about it though she mentioned it a few months later when we bumped into her again.

Since then I've gone on sertraline which is helping somewhat. I've seen her around and it's been ok sivcetbut I feel angry that she's never texted to explain considering we've been friends a while and mainly scared that something like this will happen again especially as she's a neighbour and I could potentially see her anytime I leave the house.

I'm stuck at how to deal with it. I'm often ruminating about her months later, I think always on guard in case it happens again. I've also developed a chronic pain issue over the past few years so am aware of trying to tackle my anxiety for this as well as in general as it obviously doesn't help the pain.

I know I need to do some kind of behaviour experiments regarding her but I have a belief that people think I'm too nice or a doormat especially in situations like this (Im not really sure how true ie the therapist and my husband got where I'm coming from but said I'm pretty middling in terms of assertiveness) so am worried that by contacting her she could feel like she can be short (not snappy) and I'll still contact her.

I had a thought to naturally practice when appropriate being polite and friendly but saying I couldn't stop, without being (hopefully) odd! But am aware that it could be also a safety behaviour of avoiding as it will involve not speaking to her very much.

I can actually be quite direct (but empathetic I hope) when needed but it's particularly covert or subtle things like this I find difficult so did wonder about seeing if she wants to meet and then having an honest chat but I'm concerned about making it weirder too.

I'm trying to surround myself with supportive people and am not sure if there's red flags here about her. I am also very aware there's a possibility there's actually no issue and all of this has got massively built up in my head but I feel like I've lost all my natural instincts.

I hope this makes sense? Any suggestions appreciated.

EE

Fellow socially anxious person here: this definitely sounds like a her problem rather than a you problem.

Carry on being civil with her, and if she's strange with you again maybe drop a text to see if she's okay?

Thanks BlueIris, I really appreciate your response. My OH is really supportive and we help each other with our mental health issues to try and face them with CBT and behaviour experiments where appropriate.

I just feel stuck about whether there's anything I can do to get myself as nearly five months later I'm (mostly low level) ruminating every day, I'm aware I could see her anytime I go out so am always preparing a little bit. I was in tears again yesterday feeling worn down by it all and OH listened. I completely trust my OH and he is such a supportive CBT buddy. He thinks I could try graduated exposure but I also feel like it's a her problem (whether her problem about me or something unrelated) so I don't want to reach out if that makes sense? Though I'm the one suffering every day, she may well have forgotten it all. Im going to also try imagery exposure in the meantime. I don't know if part of it is me holding onto a grudge .. I like to be proactive when there's a problem but I feel stuck in a bind.

Okay! One thing to note is that your neurosis (and this response of yours is excessive) is not her problem. It's up to you whether or not you want to get back in contact, but this is completely separate from the central problem, which is that one brief snub is still affecting your mental health several months later. The hurt is real, of course, but you don't need to be holding onto it.

I'd highly recommend seeking therapy again - not every client will gel with every therapist, so it may take multiple attempts. While I've been lucky enough never to have a therapist I really couldn't work with, there's definitely some who have had a much more positive effect on my life than others. One way or another, your neighbour shouldn't be living in your head rent-free like this. In your position, I'd have a chat to my GP and consider some extra help, whether via meds, therapy or a combination of the two. Your OH may be brilliant, but chances are he's too close to be able to see the bigger picture.

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Originally Posted by BlueIris

Okay! One thing to note is that your neurosis (and this response of yours is excessive) is not her problem. It's up to you whether or not you want to get back in contact, but this is completely separate from the central problem, which is that one brief snub is still affecting your mental health several months later. The hurt is real, of course, but you don't need to be holding onto it.

I'd highly recommend seeking therapy again - not every client will gel with every therapist, so it may take multiple attempts. While I've been lucky enough never to have a therapist I really couldn't work with, there's definitely some who have had a much more positive effect on my life than others. One way or another, your neighbour shouldn't be living in your head rent-free like this. In your position, I'd have a chat to my GP and consider some extra help, whether via meds, therapy or a combination of the two. Your OH may be brilliant, but chances are he's too close to be able to see the bigger picture.

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Thanks again! Yes, I agree.. I kept saying to my CBT therapist that I know my excessive response isn't the neighbors problem. I wanted to move house when another neighbor was a bit off one day which I also told her. I noticed she started agreeing with me about my recent neighbours behaviour rather than being impartial which created more loops in my head though I guess she was probably also trying to validate me. My sense was that maybe the therapist struggles with the same issues but who knows? I keep practicing recognising when I'm ruminating etc but can't seem to let go which is a pattern with me. I keep trying to be patient but also know it's not a normal response I'm having, in anyway.

I've seen about five or six therapists (CBT and counseling) before the recent CBT therapist.. some were ok, some less so but I didn't know at the time what my issues were and none of them seemed to pick up on it. Now I know, I made sure I got CBT for social anxiety, told my CBT therapist upfront that I have a big tendency to ruminate (which in hindsight is why counselling hasn't really helped) and asked her to help me manage that but she basically gave me counselling and no CBT and dug around a lot ..which whilst I've no trouble facing my stuff, just made the social anxiety and ruminating worst. She kept saying to "choose my battles" when I mentioned my neighbour situation but with no help on how to actually do that.

I haven't a budget to pay but feel unconvinced about the company I just went with or others on the NHS after this experience and would have to wait another 6 months plus potentially. I don't mean to be defeatist though. You've made some good points and really got everything I wanted to get over in two posts (compared to my recent therapist) so thank you and I'll have a good think about what to do next, as I do need to make a change

For what it's worth, I tend to have a similar response and I know it's tough. Hopefully this won't come across as patronising, but it can help to remember that mental health problems are incredibly common and so the odds of some randomly rude person having their own issues is really high.

I'm actually making a point of working on my own aversion to conflict right now and I'm about your age, so feel free to drop me a message if you want a social anxiety buddy :)

Thanks BlueIris, I'm sorry you're experiencing this too.. not fun! I completely agree. I work in mental health and it's interesting how people can be rude because of anxiety. My particular flavour is to fawn but we're all different and my neighbour has talked about anxiety before. Im very aware of not retaliating out of my own issues and compounding things for both of us. With my hubby, I think it's been helpful because he's sensitive but not socially anxious so it has been a good reality check to get his perspective as he knows her too but he's got a lot on his plate too so I think your suggestion of trying again with therapy is a good one for lots of reasons.

Good luck with your own work. I've been on politics forums the past few weeks which has been a useful desensitization to discussing things with people that don't agree with me or vice versa. Thanks re buddy offer too!