Scared these intrusive thoughts will never go away.

This is my first post. I was really impressed by some of the other forums I found through google and was starting to feel a little better. Then another fear/thought entered my mind.

First of all, I'm a 20 year old female. I've never been diagnosed with anxiety, depression or OCD. I do however feel like I have an anxiety problem or maybe OCD. I'm not sure.
I've had intrusive thoughts before, I think. I obsessed over the fact I thought I was dying, having a heart attack or going blind. These passed though..

The thought I'm having now, just popped up randomly in my head over a week ago and I've been obsessing over it. I obsessed over why I had it, what it means about me, if I'll act on it, etc. It's affecting me everyday.

Anyway, although this thought has been tormenting me, my fear has become that I'm not fearing it ENOUGH. I'm scared that this thought isn't disturbing me enough and that THAT is a sign that I will act on this intrusive thought.
It's also become more of a fear that this obsession will never go away, rather than fearing my actual intrusive thought..
I hope that makes sense to someone, because it's opened up a whole new realm of fear for me.

It started after I was reading another forum of someone who had an intrusive thought. Someone replied with "The fact that you're afraid of this thought proves you'll never act on it."
And then I started questioning myself and going over my intrusive thought again. Was I truly afraid of this happening?

Has this happened to anyone else?
Is this something that I should be worrying about?
Does this mean I'll act on my intrusive thought? Or become my fear?

I just feel completely helpless and scared and I just want it to stop.
I wish I could just erase this all from my mind and just go back to the way I was.

Please, someone help!

---------- Post added at 02:14 ---------- Previous post was at 02:03 ----------

I feel like I'm more scared of the consequences of ever acting on this thought, then acting on the thought itself. And that scares me more than anything.

The whole reason I didn't say what this intrusive thought was is because I'm terrified of getting in trouble :(

I am so scared of my own mind right now.

Can anyone relate to what I'm feeling right now?

For a start, you cant get into trouble for thinking, only for doing, and as long as you dont do anything you stay out of trouble. You're obviously quite unhappy and anxious for some reason and this is a perfect opportunity for your dark side to start winding you up.
I know that the health service in the US is pretty shit just now but you really need to see a MD about this. There are meds and therapy available that will gradually improve your mood, and lessen your anxiety. Once you start to feel better these dark thoughts will fade away to nothing.
Here, have a :hugs:in fact have 2:hugs:

Thank you for the hugs and advice :)
I feel a bit better today, sleep did me well I suppose.
I just don't understand where this thought came from and why I am so obsessed and concerned over it.
I am a good, kind person. I would NEVER do what these thoughts are telling me I could do, so I don't know why I get so upset.
I guess it's just the "what if" and the doubt of it. I'm afraid that there's something "bad" in my subconscious that's coming out.
No matter how much a tell myself "I would NEVER do that" there's the voice that says "Yes, you could. You never know.." and then I get scared :(
Then, I get even more scared of the possibility that this is something I'm going to have to live with for the rest of my life, that I'm never going to be able to get over it or forget it. That's what really scares me.

I just wish it was possible to erase memories/thoughts. *sigh*

The thought came from your subconsious mind, probably a scene from a movie or something you read.
You are indeed a good, kind person, that's why it's so terrifying. You'll get through this, but you need to talk to a professional, get some CBT or meds. It does get better:hugs:

Hi there

I have been suffering with anxiety and panic attacks on and off for four years, I have been quite bad since November last year and ended up going back on Clomipramine which helped the two other times I went on it. However this time I also suffered with intrusive thoughs, horrible thoughts like you could just disappear, the family would never care just chuck yourself off the nearest bridge or crash your car into a tree. This really scared me as it is nothing I would actually do and the more I had them the worse my panic attacks got. I stopped eating and lost loads of weight and was off work for over a month. I truly believed I was going mad, I would end up drugged up to my eyeballs, or worse even sectioned!

I luckily asked my GP to refer me for CBT therapy and wish I had done so the first time I suffered 4 years ago. They make you realise that you are not going mad, you are not going to loose control and the thoughts are just heightened by the panic/anxiety. The more you think the worse the panic and the worse the panic the more you think etc.

Anyway what really worked for me was being told the next time I get an intrusive/horrible thought I should write it down and then think about the pro's and con's. It really makes you realise that you would never consider carrying out these thoughts/they would never happen and that it would achieve nothing etc. It is quite scary putting it down on paper the first time but the intrusive thoughts have gradually reduced and now I havent had any for ages, if I do I just write it down then forget about it.

I know I have waffled on but I just want people to know what I wished I had known ages ago about this, there is help and things do get better!

Hang on in there.:hugs:
x

Thanks for that post Shelley I am currently going through this. I now hate driving cos I keep thinking what if I just crashed, every time I see a bridge what if I jumped etc etc. I don't want to die I'm scared of dying. Another thing I've obsessed about in the past! So I know I'd never do it. Plus I like my life. I've been diagnosed with anxiety and depression and am having CBT and taking ADs so hopefully I will be better soon.

Ive realised I'm too sensitive which is why these feelings stick in my mind so maybe I need to toughen up!

RB263 I know how you feel and it's nice to know there are others like this. It we are good people who deserve to be happy and we will be :)

Hello
These thought are awful, I have had times when due to general anxiety and being over tired I have started ruminating on things. It seems to be the things we hold most dear that causes the most anguish. I was crossing the road with my child when he was little, holding onto his hand and being really careful as you do, when out of no way the thought popped into my head, what if i suddenly lost my mind and pushed him into the road and he got run over. I could not understand this and was so distressed, its not the kind of thing you can talk to people about. Finally I had to go to the Doctors because I could not stop thinking horrible thoughts. The doctor was great, explained it was a form of OCD called ruminations, i never repeated actions oonly thoughts, that no harm would come to anyone and it would get better in time, I tried medication but it did not work for me, although it does for many people. Once I knew how common these things were I could just let thoughts come into my mind, then drift out again, trying not to latch onto them and panic. i know of a midwife who worried she would throw new born babies out of the window! (she never did of course) A person who never swore in real life who was certain he would let rip with really foul lanquage in meetings because he could not stop thinking these words in his mind all the time. a friend of a relative had to stop driving because she was certain she would run somebody over, kill them, then spent her life in prison. It is hell at the time, but it does get better and it has given me a lot more empathy with people. We never know what burdens others are struggling with. This site is great for feeling you are not alone.

This is very sukarno what I have suffered with in the past 10 months! It will pass!! I was exactly the same! So scared to think and so scared to feel emotions, questioning everything I think and feel and wondering if I was going mad!! I was obsessive with this for a while but a lot better now!!

CBT realy helps, also try Mindfulness Meditation! It's hard at first but realy realy worth a try! It helps u to see that thoughts are just thoughts and even tho they come and dare you like mad they will pass. U will learn to be less sensitive to them. I realy do recommend it.

I started with intrusive thoughs about harming myself and others then the more I read up on OCD I became aware I would never do these things because I was so upset and distressed by the thought. This did develop into WHAT IF i stop being scared of them and want to act on them, WHAT IF I become so anxious and depressed that I actually don't want to live?

These are all intrusive thoughts that will come and go. The anxiety that comes with them keeps them coming! As soon as you start to see them as just thoughts the less they will bother you.

Hope this helps.

Take care and try to say to yourself 'this is just my anxiety' it will pass.

X

---------- Post added at 15:24 ---------- Previous post was at 15:16 ----------

Sorry about the sukarno it was supposed to say similar!! Stupid predictive texts.

I did wonder what this had to do with the Indonesian President:D

Hi scared_11 I have never heard of mindfulness meditation but would like to try what is it exactly?

It is a series of short meditations that focus on the here and now!! U focus on the breath and physical sensations that arise and desolate. U also allow all your thoughts good and bad to come and go, you can greet them and then go back to your breathing.

It is very effective but does take some time and effort on your part.

There is quite abit of information on the Internet but I got a book called 'Mindfulness- a practical guide to finding peace in a frantic world' by Mark Williams and Danny Penman. This book has a CD included and focuses on an 8 week programme. I started to feel better after 3 weeks an didn't finish the program! I have been feeling anxious and my intrusive thought come back now and then so I am going to start the program again and see it through to the end this time.

Liked the " sukarno" , i thought it was like a new " thang" . :D

---------- Post added at 17:08 ---------- Previous post was at 17:06 ----------

Intrusive thoughts are so nasty and the more i try to resist them the more they are there. At the moment its doing things in " three's" and god does it take me a long time to finish the washing up clanging the plates away as i count to three . Better then three thousand i suppose.

Thank you, thank you, thank you!
I appreciate all of the replies more than you'll know.
I feel better these past 2 days. I still think of this awful thought *constantly*, but I'm able to look at it more objectively rather then let my mind wander into the dark place I was in when I first posted this.
I told some family members a little about the thoughts and they were able to ease my mind a little bit (although they think I'm completely nuts now). I also wrote in my journal, which was very stressful, but it helped me to get my thoughts out there. It was easier to sort through everything going on in my mind and see the truth of everything, in a way.
I've always kept a journal where I write when I'm depressed/anxious/angry/etc., but I was fearful of writing about this intrusive thought. It's just so scary to even think about.. but it did help me.
My next step is going to see a doctor. I have a ridiculous fear of doctors and haven't been in YEARS, so this will be a huge step for me. I'm afraid of there being something wrong with me, but I already know there is, I guess. And I'm scared of actually talking about my problem.. I'm scared they'll think I'm just crazy, or worse - they'll think I'm actually capable to acting on this disturbing thought.
I don't know if I'll ever get the courage to make an appointment :S

When you went to see a doctor about your intrusive, obsessive thoughts, how did the appointment go? Did you have to tell them what your thoughts were?
I just don't know what to expect.

Thank you all again for the replies and kind words. I am so glad I found this little forum :hugs:

---------- Post added at 08:06 ---------- Previous post was at 08:03 ----------

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Scared_11

It is a series of short meditations that focus on the here and now!! U focus on the breath and physical sensations that arise and desolate. U also allow all your thoughts good and bad to come and go, you can greet them and then go back to your breathing.

It is very effective but does take some time and effort on your part.

There is quite abit of information on the Internet but I got a book called 'Mindfulness- a practical guide to finding peace in a frantic world' by Mark Williams and Danny Penman. This book has a CD included and focuses on an 8 week programme. I started to feel better after 3 weeks an didn't finish the program! I have been feeling anxious and my intrusive thought come back now and then so I am going to start the program again and see it through to the end this time.

---

I'm definitely going to be looking into this! Thanks.

Well I suffer from anxiety so I got meds and therapy for that. I have mentioned the thoughts to my therapist so she recommended CBT which I am starting very soon as well as relaxation and anxiety management.

You should definately see a doctor so you can see a therapist because this thought will go away on its own as I have had bad ones which eventually went but they come back of to don't do anything about them.

You just have to say you are having upsetting thoughts that you can't cope with but you don't have to say what they are a such.

I find talking to people helps and I dont care if they thinks Im nuts anymore because i know Im not!! Hope you start to feel better soon xx

---------- Post added at 08:28 ---------- Previous post was at 08:27 ----------

I've just noticed you live in America so I don't know how your healthcare works. Maybe you can go straight to a therapist and skip the doctor?

Hi RB and hope you are well.
You'll never shock a doc or a shrink, they've heard it all before. They wont judge you or think you're crazy or lock you up, they're there to help. If it makes you feel better, ask for a lady doc.
Regards, WW

I found this information on a previous thread these are thoughts most people think about but us poor soles let the thought cause fear and upset us.

The most common unwanted obsession-relevant intrusive thoughts, images and impulses reported by Nonclinical subjects:

1. Did I leave heat, stove or lights on that could cause a fire?
2. Left the door unlocked, and an intruder could be inside
3. While driving, an impulse to run the car off the road
4. I could get a sexually transmitted disease from touching a toilet seat or handle
5. Even though the house is tidy, an impulse to check that absolutely everything is put away
6. Feel sudden impulse to say something rude or insulting to a friend even though I'm not angry at him
7. Impulse to say something rude or insulting to a stranger
8. While driving, the impulse to swerve the car into oncoming traffic
9. The thought of having sex in a public place
10. The thought of having sex with an authority figure (eg. minister, boss, teacher)
11. While driving the thought of running over pedestrians or animals
12. When talking to people, intrusive thoughts of their being naked
13. Impulse to indecently expose myself by lifting my skirt or slipping down my pants
14. Impulse to masturbate in public
15. When I see a sharp knife, the thought of slitting my wrist or throat
16. When in a public place, the thoughts of becoming dirty or contaminated from touching doorknobs

Data from Purdon and Clark (1993) and Byers et al (1998).

Cited inL 'Cognitive-Behavioural Therapy for OCD' by David A. Clark. 2004. The Guilford Press.

I currently have 3 and 15 type thoughts and this is supposedly OCD free people having these thoughts. I have also seen sexual ones relatin to family, children on these types of lists too. Humans are inquisitive and unfortunately we are so shocked by these thoughts they scare us. I hope this helps. It has helped me a but while I wait for treatment. Xxx

Hi RB263,
It's important to bear in mind that everyone experiences distressing intrusive thoughts to some extent or another, including those who don't suffer from OCD. However, what differentiates the OCD sufferer from the non OCD sufferer is their reaction to the thought. While the non-OCD sufferer finds the thought unpleasant, they are able to brush it off easily, while the OCD sufferer starts worrying about it's significance and what it means about them as a person. The intrusive thoughts often take as their subject whatever it is we fear the most - Amanda mentions her fears of harming her little boy. Common subject matters include causing harm to those we love the most and carrying out sexual acts against children. OCD sufferers are usually ultra-caring, responsible people and it is widely acknowledged that they never act on their thoughts. I can tell you've got a strong conscience by the fact that you're worrying about why the thought isn't causing you as much distress as you feel it should. However, that doesn't stop the nasty little voice in your head saying, "Ah, but what if....." The problem is that OCD sufferers want a 100% guarantee that they would never carry out their thoughts and it isn't possible to have 100% certainty in an uncertain world - the mind will always throw up doubts. Someone pointed out to you that the fact that you are afraid of the thought means you would never act on it but this hasn't stopped you questioning. The problem with reassuring yourself that you are a good person who would never carry out your thoughts is that it only provides you with temporary relief from your anxiety and the thoughts soon come back to haunt you.

I think part of the problem for you is your desperation to be rid of the thoughts. Don't get me wrong - it's only natural to want to get rid of distressing thoughts as soon as possible! However, if you are telling yourself you must not think the distressing thoughts, you are flagging them up as something significant and to be scared of, which means your brain is constantly looking out for them. The more you resist the thoughts, the more frequent and frightening they become. Unfortunately, we can't wipe our brains, much as I wish we could at times! :) If your goal is to get rid of the thoughts altogether, unfortunately you'll be doomed to failure. What you can change is the way in which you respond to your thoughts. Instead of pushing them away/trying to reassure yourself, you need to see the thoughts for what they really are - just strings of words/pictures inside your head that have no real significance. The best way to deal with intrusive thoughts is to accept them and just let them be - sounds very scary, I know and this is best done with the help of a therapist. A therapist will teach you exposure techniques, which help you confront the thoughts and the anxiety they provoke. Over time, you'll find the thoughts become a lot less frequent and they won't cause so much distress. A book I've found very useful is Overcoming Obsessive Thoughts: How to gain control of your OCD by David Clark and Christine Purdon, which is aimed at people who experience violent, sexual or blasphemous thoughts. I've experienced intrusive thoughts myself (although of a different nature) and I really feel for you because I know how upsetting they can be. I hope you get the support you need.

I really appreciate your reply, Sarah1984. It's helped me realize some stuff.
I've been trying to "accept" it but that is easier said than done. I think I've just been pushing it to the back of mind and ignoring it, rather than actually consciously "accepting" it. I'll feel better for a few days, then it'll come back and scare me and cause me a great deal of anxiety and doubt all over again.
I feel like sometimes I can see it for what it really is, just a stupid, disturbing thought that my brain is obsessing over and other times, it's just completely distressing.
I do have a very strong conscience, I always have, ever since I was little. I've been dealing with worry my whole life because of this and I didn't realize how abnormal this was until recently because I've always been that way.. it's just gotten worse lately.
I've been thinking of seeing a therapist or a doctor, but I just don't know if I'm ready for that. It's just so scary to think of letting someone into my mind and telling them something that I am just so embarrassed and ashamed of.
I will definitely check out that book you recommended!

Thank you for the reply, I really do appreciate it :)

hi guys i v had this before on n off for 12 years didnt know it was pure o at the time , only just the last 6 years.
im presently on 37.5 mg twice a day which has just been increased to twice instead of once 2 days ago.

iv got 2 kids 1 being 16 1 being 8 , i have pure o harm . too be honest its my 8 year old i hate more having them about, but i also get them about people on tv absolutley every 1 .

i flipping hate it , and it s so untrue of my feelings and as resulted in depression
.
my thoughts go bit like this some 1 will offer me say a ciggarette or a sweet , and in my mind il think id sooner stab me daughter too death ext ,

or il be doing something and i think if i cant do this im gonna stab her blah blah .... it s such a crock of **** and frustrating,

so the ocd revolves around my normal every day thoughts , does this happen to any 1 else ????
does it effect u like this talking to people n having them thoughts on this level ??

hope some 1 replies.... it either makes me anxious or really down its exhausting some days , but yet sometimes i can have the same thought s and i can ignore it( like ya suppose too do.)
or even laugh at it .

i guess i need the mood n anxiety too level out.
xxx

Hello,

I am very glad that you wrote and started this thread and that some have replied because it is a subject of which some find very hard to discuss. Everything you said RB263 in your first post is exactly the same thoughts I have. It made me gawp when i read because I thought my god she has written the very words from my head! Sarah's post also helped me too because how she wrote it made me think and see it as OCD.
I have had these thoughts for 7 years now...some times I have good periods where I'll either not have bad thoughts or I can see past them and other times they hold me in their grip and it will really affect me.
I have seen counsellor and doctors. At first I was so distressed and upset about having to tell a Dr or counsellor because I thought they'd just look at me, call the police or men in white coats and cart me away. William Wallace is right you can't say anything that will shock them. Just a few hours ago I was thinking like you, what if im not as worried as I should be? I was thinking what if I just accept the thoughts and let them be there but I start enjoying them? When im in a bad place they can really grip me, but now reading this I can see its just another angle its taken!
Take care and please inbox me if you want to talk, I understand what you're going through and I don't judge x

It truly helps to see that others are going through the same things I am. So thank you for the reply, hallam11, I appreciate it :D
I've been doing better the past week or so, but the thoughts still scare me. It's just the "what if I ____ " and then eventually, I worry that I'm worried about the wrong thing (like I worry I'm more scared of going to jail/being a bad person than actually causing harm to others). Can you relate to that? Because that truly worries and scares me to the core. I just worry one day I'm going to SNAP and become this awful person, or what if I just one day get an urge to harm another person or do a bad thing? Or I'll get these thoughts in my head like "I do want to _____" and it freaks me out. I don't want to go to jail or be a bad person!
That's generally what my thoughts are and it's really scary.
Like I said, I've been doing better. It's still on my mind daily, but I'm doing better at occupying my brain so I'm not dwelling on it.
I'm just scared that I'm pushing it back and it's going to come back and cause anxiety all over again. Ugh. I just wish that thought never popped into my head in the first place!

Do all your thoughts become obsessive? Because for me, not all of them become obsessions. I'll get intrusive thoughts that are disturbing and distressing for a moment, but I don't always become obsessed over them like I have with this one. Is that normal/typical?
Just wondering how other people are.
:)

its exactly how it tends to go i get used the il stab u to death or stab u in the head... then it goes i swear to god i will or i want too.... its like the thoughts get stronger trying to push u back when ur trying to get better , hun sorry hope its not to graphic :(
i dont obsess over the thoughts just have em a million times a day towards every 1 inc all loved ones and strangers in street !!!!
i effing hate it !!

the fact it causes us such distress is def pure o , im waiting for cbt , please god it helps.. im also taking venlafaxine n since increasing the dose from 37.5 mg to 75mg they seem to have been more prominent!! grrrr hoping this fades as the new dose settle sin today i been full of it but coped better , had a rough hour where anxiety crept up with it, but it drives u to tears !!
and dispare sometimes it really does .... keep in touch xx

---------- Post added at 16:25 ---------- Previous post was at 16:18 ----------

oh and 2 docs have told me this is very common this type of harm ocd, and the cbt lady on the phone said i cannot tell u how common this is...... so when ya feeling bad just remeber some 1 behind u somewhere could very well be having the same or simalar thoughts about u too and feeling as knotted up aswell.

Hi RB263,

Yes sometimes I do worry more about going to jail and being a bad person rather than the actual harm to cause. But to me that is a sign that I don't want to actually harm anyone because it shows that really I know I don't want to. I guess that doesn't make much sense. But yes sometimes the worries take different angles. You just need to recognise them as another OCD obsession. The worry that you will just snap one day is something I can definitely relate to and I think a lot of people who suffer from ocd can too. Another one of my worries is that I will do something bad without thinking and it will just happen. I think thats not too possible though because I am hyper aware because of my worries so I doubt that could happen.

No not all my thoughts become obsessive...just some of them! Thats normal too I think for us! Petram is right too, the more you obsess the worse they can get, and the more frequent they tend to get.

xx

With me it's the worry I might snap! Do it without realising. What a horrible illness OCD is!! But we are all in it together.

mine is the constant thoughts of it all!! :( xx

Definately Petra. We try to think of other things but it doesn't work! I know were not meant to do that but it's so hard just thinking about them all the time!

I have found the seroxat has improved my anxiety so far but the thoughts are still there which feels a bit weird because now it feels like I'm not scared of the thoughts because I don't have the physical feelings!

Hope you are getting on ok with our meds. (btw I switch my meds last week as y doc said the other ones should have been working a bit at least and they weren't)

Hiya everyone,I've been diagnosed with anxiety and depression after getting help when intrusive thought started to take over my life. Mine's were always about self harm and were associated with feeling a failure. So for example thinking about how I didn't finish a task in work would call up an image of me slashing my wrists. It got to the point where I didn't need a trigger anymore and I was constantly imagining stuff in my head. I would walk past a railway line and have a really detailed and vivid picture in my head of walking in front of a train. The key thing,as lots of people have said,is that you know you wouldn't act on them. Just because you can doesn't mean that you will. Same goes for any other unwanted intrusive thoughts. You have to be strong and phsically tell yourself not to worry. I found snapping an elastic band on my wrisy every time these thoughts came up was useful. It bloody hurts!!! My thoughts come and go and they're always associated with anxiety so it helps me to realise they're just a symptom,same as if I'd cut myself and bled and that I'm not bad or selfish. Good luck and stay strong x

What is pure “O” ?

Purely Obsessional Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (also called Pure Obsessional OCD, Pure-O, OCD without overt compulsions or Primarily Obsessional OCD)[1] is a lesser-known form or manifestation of OCD. For people with Purely Obsessional OCD, there are usually no observable compulsions, such as those commonly seen in those with the typical form of OCD (checking, counting, hand-washing, etc.). While ritualizing and neutralizing behaviors do take place, they are almost entirely in the form of excessive mental rumination

As per above, pure O is basically a thought which consists of pure obsession. So for example, person A may have a pure obsessional thought about their fidelity in their relationship, person B may have a pure obsessional thought about their appearance, and person C may have a pure obsessional thought about harm.

Pure O thoughts are generically focused on worrying, fear, doubt, anxiety without or with little compulsions. The pure O thought can stem from anything at all and ANYONE whether they have been diagnosed with a mental health issue or not can suffer from them and they can cause extreme discomfort, confusion and upset.

Personally, I’ve been suffering from pure O thoughts for quite a while now and as much as you try to rid yourself of them, they don’t seem to disappear, hence the term obsessional thoughts. Once one of these thoughts come into your head, you begin to doubt and question everything. The anxiety sets in with the obsessional thought which then triggers the “fight or flight” response. This basically means that the brain is stimulated by a fear that has been caused by the though, which then triggers your heart to race and your mind to get crammed and crammed until your head feels like it should EXPLODE!

The key thing to remember with these thoughts is that, they’re actually okay to be there? As odd as this seems, everyone, every second of everyday have these negative thoughts, but because of the anxiety we experience it makes us feel as if the thoughts are crawling through our bodies and manipulating your mind into thinking that your worst nightmare are going to come to life, and at the present time when dealing with an obsessional thought the effects can be devastating as you truly believe that’s who you are, even if you strongly disagree with these thoughts.

The best way to channel these thoughts is remember what came first, did the thought come first and then the doubt? Or the doubt and then the thought… If the thought came first, followed by the doubt then you KNOW it’s an irrational way of thinking. It’s a vicious cycle that everyone gets themselves into and it can make people very upset and angry at what’s going on.

Remember the following process in order to focus on the current reality:

Relabel
Re-evaluate
Rationalize
LET GO.

hi guys I am having some trouble with my thoughts again. I am very very scared right now. I feel like these thoughts have to happen and if they don't then i will have to kill myself. I dont want the thoughts to happen and i dont want to kill myself. it is very agonizing mentally physically and emotionally. It's almost like theres some doomsday that i feel coming where i will have to act on the thoughs to feel happy.

This isnt normal i know that

Trying to set up appt with a psychologist but drs office is closed this weekend.

I am very scared that I feel this way it is making me very very depressed.