me and my Nightmare.

hi all how does it happen then? one day you can be out partying, cinema, with boyfriend/girlfriend, then your world gets turned upside down. I no longer go outside my front door im agropohbic, i left my job my car and my home was re possed . i now live in rented accomodation and am too scared to even leave my bedroom sometimes. i was a party girl and loved a good time and now its challenge for me to even get up. i dont even know what i afraid of i couldnt even explain to the doctor because i ran home and panicked the other day. i feel completley useless to anyone and feel ive let my family down, my boyfriend will not be around much longer i doubt because i will not leave the house and he wants to be showing me off to his family and i cant do it. i had so much and i lost everything does it get better?
i had money car the holidays a great house with a bar in the garden, i had everything id always wanted then in the last year i lost everything i even had a baby that died then my grandad died shortly after. i suffered domestic abuse from a violent partner for two years which im now out off, but that left me emotinally scared and frightned. i just want my life back not how it was just so i can go outside the front door and be normal.
i was given medication but am too scared to take it because i think it will make me worse. my problem is i am too scared off what will happen next, i ALWAYS bit the bullet and got on with it but this time it beat me and i feel pinned to the post and cant see this ever ending i also feel like the only one who got it this bad, please reply if u have any advice or tips xxx

First of all,

Breathe.

I have had some wicked times too. I can totally relate what you are going through. My most recent was just few months ago my black lab Rudy got hit by a car. He was my rock. That dog, I have NEVER had a connect with a dog in that way. He was attached to my heart and soul.

I got him about a year after my Grandmother died. It will be two years this Feb. After she died apart of me died with her. She was my Mom. My inspiration, my constant source of support, she never judged me, she loved me unconditionally, she was always there. We talked every day, sometimes more then once a day. She was gentle yet firm. But no matter what I always knew she would be waiting for me.

I think when we lose something that seems so stable that nothing could possibly go wrong. It scares us a great deal. I worry about that too. What if something happens to me, what will happen to my children, what is something happens to my hubby, where would I start? What if, what if, what if. We try to defy the odds by beating the odds. I know I do this all the time. But really sooner or later, there is reason why things happen.

I hate it, I wish it wasn't true. I don't really care at all about the reason. I just want my life back to the way it was before. I knew after my Grandmother died my life would never be the same. I quit school, I blocked everyone out, I had a hard time being emotionally there for my children.

I slowly got better. But never really the same. There a piece of the puzzle that will never be there, and no one can ever replace her. I am the only child, my parents and I are not close at all. My mother tries but too much damage has been done to be forgotten. My father is absent as he has always been, concerned about one person. Himself.

Me, I have fought for my children since day one. I promised myself I would never be like my parents and so far I have lived up to my end of the bargin.

Fear is powerful. But if we support one another, we can beat it.

thank you so much for taking the time to write that.

its nice that you dont think im mad, because i feel like i am losing it mabye its just a bad day.

i had so many dreams ambitions and goals so much potential and positivity and this is all blackened by my illness.

im only 21, its hereditary apparently runs in my family, i was always going to get this, my nan stayed inside for seven years and my mum for 2 years, i have been in for one month and already feels like a lifetime.

when my house was re possed i left my only photos of my baby that died there now that is quite hard to come to terms with, my mum and dad have both been in mental institutions and i really really dont want to end up going there, how do you know when its that bad you got to go?

Quote:

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Originally Posted by paulmoldeeside

Hello there
no you`re not mad, you`ve finally given in to a number of awful things that have happened and its your mind and bodys way of saying it needs a rest and a different way of doing things.
I was so sad to hear of your baby and the photos, but they`re just paper and you`ll always remember your baby so don`t feel bad.
My mam had alzheimers and various relatives have been a bit bananas, so when I had a breakdown in 1999 I thought `oh christ` but I swear on my life that these days I can cope with most things. I still get scared, panicky, breathless, hot etc but I cope and you`ll do the same.
Try the breathing into your belly, lie down and breathe so your belly moves up and down not your chest, this helps sort out the amount of oxygen in your blood and calms you down.
Avoid caffeine and any drugs, and keep coming on here. I`ve only been a member about a week but its a great friendly place and full of genuine advice.

take care and realise you`ve got a lot of friends who want you to come out the other side.

Paul

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My mom suffers from depression and bipolar. I had to live with all of her mood swings growing up, hurtful words, rage, all of it. I think when you are a threat to yourself or to someone else that is the safest place to be is in a hospital.

However, no I don't think you are mad. I think you are on overload. Like Paul wrote your body's way of calling a TIME OUT. If you are at all like me sometimes I don't heed my body's warning signs. I need to rest, relax and take some time out for me.

Take the time to relax, read a good book, listen to some music, grab a friend (PM me if you want), share some laughs.

As far as your baby, you are always apart of each other. Nothing can take that away. Not even the the least bit.

One thing I find on here is that so many of you have terrible stories to share that I feel a bit of a fake even though i get immobilised on my one way very often. I think that's why I try and help in my posts.... anyway.

I want to repeat what you wrote clearly so that we can support you, so you had the following happen in roughly this order:
domestic violence for two years
end of relationship (even though it was bad)
pregnancy - birth - baby died
granddad dies
agoraphobia starts
house repossessed & lose even treasured possessions.

I've not written that to be harsh - just to make sure I understood. Thats a really nasty list and I feel especially sad for you and your baby.

I know the order might be a bit wrong but that's a lot for anyone to cope with. As others said, your brain/emotions just said "enough" and thats where the agoraphobia kicks in. From my own depressive period when I sought "safety" I'd suggest you started out wanting to feel safer, and for safety you sought home - perhaps even bed. This and the events might mean that there is a strong element of depression in what you are suffering. Or it could be anxiety as the starting point because you lost a lot of people from your life and no-one would want to lose more.

You will find conflicting opinions on meds. I found mine have blasted the depression BUT leave me to tackle the GAD/phobias, which isn't easy. Many people say that antidepressants made them feel quite a lot worse BEFORE they began to work. I found I was so low and immobile when I started mine that I have trouble recalling the few symptoms that were worse. If you tell us what you were prescribed then we can advise you from our experiences. There are also specific forums here about the common medications. It may help you to browse or search threads to do with what you were given.

Overall I'd say that if you are extremely inhibited by your condition (as I was) then it may well be worth trying the meds. Most of them take a while to work though and upset your system while getting there. As I say talk to us on here - read as much as you can - and share about your experiences, feelings and medication. Then we can help you as well as we sympathise.

Hi and welcome :)

I'm so sorry at the loss of your child and granddad. Words are never sufficient enough to convey condolences in situations like this. I'm also sorry for the loss of your house and material things but please remember that material things can be replaced. As for the photos of your child is there any way you can find out where they are now?

I know it feels like there's no way out but there is, I promise. I am also agoraphobic along with other problems but I keep pushing day in and day out to deal. I've asked myself the same things you have...when and how did this happen to me? Will I ever feel normal again? I pray for normalcy every single day.

I know you said your mother and father were in institutions but that does not mean you'll end up there. When we ask ourselves how do we know when it gets that bad that's actually a good sign...it means you're not crazy because you're AWARE of what's happening to you. Hope that makes sense.

I also can relate to the medication fear...I hate taking meds because I'm so scared of the side affects. For me I'm trying more homeopathic avenues before going on anti-depressants. But check with your doctor before trying anything new, of course. The only meds I'm comfortable taking are my high blood pressure pills and valium when I have to go out of the house.

Please post to this site and read every link you can that the site provides...it's helped me more than words can say. I actually feel stronger from the things I've learned here and the more knowledge we get about our symptoms and such it lessens the power and fear those symptoms have over us. That's what I'm finding out anyway.

Hang in there, hon, and things will get better!

Take care!

Lacey

Hi and:welcome: to NMP, pleased you found us. I'm sure you will like it here as there is so much advice, information and support.Please never feel alone.

chat is fun too and a great place to make new friends:biggrin:

Hi and a big welcome to NMP its great to have you here, hope to see you in chat sometime,

Take care

Emma xxx

First i want to say how sorry i am for your loss, secondly you must never think that this is the end with no light at the end of the tunnel because there is, you may not be able to see it right now, but its most deffinately there! I was once like you, and lived like it for nearly 5 yrs, i couldnt even open the curtains or watch the tv, i was so affraid of the outside world and praid for god to take me every single day!
I remember thinking that this cant be all there was for me in life, and how come i couldnt do all the things i used to! I lost my job, my friends and eventually my partner left me for someone else.
The day my life changed was when i moved back home with my parents and realised i had nothing! Absolutely nothing! Im not saying it was easy but little by little i got my life back on track and decided its MY life and after all i was only 21!
5 yrs on and ive been on short holidays, i have loads of friends, been out with them hundreds of times and even been on short holidays, im not saying its completely gone but so much easier to cope with, after all the 1st cut is the deepest, i know what the warning signs of depression are so i change things before i start to sink! Oh and by the way my father is agoraphobic who has always been on anti depressants so think maybe its hirreditory but not the end! Never give up, you wont feel like it forever!:cloud9: