Hi All,
It has been a while since my last time on here. In fact, it was nearly a year ago today I think - but the same issue! I may write a lot as it will help me come to terms with things so apologies if an essay comes out!
I have had a diagnosed varicocele (for the uninitiated - it is a harmless collection of twisted veins in the scrotum above the left testicle) for about 7 years. When I first had it, it caused me pain almost daily and I remember taking pain killers to stop the dull ache (Then, it didn't hurt for about 5/6 years except sporadically until last year). This was when I first realised I had health anxiety and indeed general anxiety as I was convinced I had testicular cancer. I have been to the doctor, in total, about 5 times for a testicle exam between 2008 and now - the most recent in December 2014 when it began to ache again. The pain is not really a pain - it is a very mild discomfort which disappears when I take my mind of it or at worst, is a slight inconvenience. The last time I saw the doctor she examined me and said that there were no lumps on my testicle so I was fine and if there were, she would take it extremely seriously (she knows I am a hyperchondriac and I probably wouldn't believe her diagnosis). I examine my testicles regularly and they have not changed in size whatsoever or developed any hard lumps or swellings. The varicocele is quite palpable and I am certain, in my heart of hearts, that is what is causing the discomfort although most varicoceles don't cause pain.
Now, I have had this mild discomfort, off and on, for about a year now. The routine is; I wake up and its usually OK then throughout the day it becomes noticeable before getting better again normally before I go to bed again. It is made so much worse if a) I have a bad nights sleep b) a night drinking or c) I sit down all day. Unfortunately, I have to sit all day because I am doing a PhD and have to write all day in the library. Interestingly, if I am socialising or have my mind on something else I tend to not feel much. For example, I went on holiday in the summer and felt nothing. When I go out for drinks with friends I forget about any discomfort.
When I am in a good mood, I think 'oh come on, its just your harmless varicocele being a nuisance. I think about the fact that the pain is so mild it hardly registers and that it is absent quite often completely. I think about the fact that my actual testicles have not changed in size at all. I think - well - even if its been hurting for a year - you have been completely healthy otherwise and my testicle hasn't grown - which it would do if there was cancer. I think in these good moments that I have nothing to worry about.
When I am in a bad mood, I convince myself that I have some form of cancer. What if the lump is so small I cant feel it? What if its not testicular cancer, but another kind which makes my testicle ache and it is going undetected? I feel awful during these times and tend to be completely unable to take my mind off this discomfort.
The worst thing about it is how unpredictable it is. Last week I felt nothing at all and was generally very happy. This week it has hurt a bit and I have felt crap about everything. My worry is that I have programmed my mind to detect any kind of discomfort in that area now and it will never go away.
I have always had issues with my genitals area the more I think about it. When I was 8, I badly strained my groin and couldn't walk for days and had to cancel a sleepover I was looking forward too. I have always been terrified of being punched/hit in the balls and my school friends used to joke about how much I flinched when they went near them. Later in life, I was obsessed that I had an STD there after some silly sexual encounters. For some reason, my mind takes great care with anything in that area and perhaps this is part of that, but much more chronic.
So I thought I would share this and say that health anxiety is s**t and I hate it!
