(Looong) I made it, you will too!

For the past month, actually 41 days exactly, i've been dying. Clearly not literally, i feel fine, by all accounts, i am fine. I have however been dying within, my mind has been systematically destroying itself. Why would it do that? Surely the one thing my mind (will continue referring to my mind/brain as a seperate entity, despite how that makes me sound more disturbed than intended). As i was saying, surely my mind would be more resistant, I though depression took time, i thought you had to be sad, down or stressed. Truth is, yes, depression probably does require one or more of those things, but it doesn't require you to be feeling down at the time, it can be a delayed reaction from a bad month a while back or even just a stressful day, this is the truth i've been having to come to terms with. Was i really happy? I feel like that question in itself gives me a little jolt of panic, not knowing if you're truly fulfilled, is there anything more terrifying? Shark-Wasps maybe? they'd be pretty scary.

Anxiety is different to depression and depression and panic are not the same things, obviously. The issue though is that all 3 go so well together. My anxiety would lead to panic, the panic would cause more anxiety and stress and thus i'd slip into depression asking how to defeat my own mind in this dreadfully unfair game of battleships. I don't really know why my anxiety chose now to return, and with more intensity than ever. The not knowing is irrelevant, it took it's hold and is only now easing off, it is an illness and it's one that can only be conquered at the root, where it starts, in your mind. So what did my anxiety do? What was it based on? What made it better? I'll try to answer all of these but you'll have to bare with me.

I believe it started from my grandad suffering multiple heart attacks in december, he's still alive and as far as I know, he's doing really well. Visiting him in hospital and texting him regularly, it didn't depress me, it made me feel like crap for a little bit, hoping he pulled through and got better, the usual when these things happen to people you care about. Again, there was no noticable change, I felt fine. He was soon out of hospital and recovering. 3 weeks later, early January, i feel a pain in my chest, slight and quick, not even memorable enough for me to recall exactly how severe it was. It certainly wasn't something a *normal* person would worry about. Soon after came the jelly legs, dizziness and something called depersonalization, a weird feeling, you feel present and alive, but vacant at the same time. Up until now, every GP i've told about this feeling hasn't fully understood, or atleast hasn't given a look of anything other than confusion when I explain it.

These symptoms are classic anxiety, as is chest pain. I don't know what caused that initial pain, I'm certain it wasn't serious, but it was a different story back then. That was it, as far as I was concerned, it was my heart, I was dying. Writing this now, it makes me feel shame, i'm genuinely baffled by how I fell for these tricks. Health anxiety is just that, tricks, like seeing movement in your peripheral vision, it's a flaw of the human brain, seeing faces in pretty much any arbitrary pattern is another one. The pains continued, and got worse. Soon came the tingling arms and the inability to get what i'd describe as a satisfying breath, never actually gasping for breath though, thankfully..

These are still all anxiety symptoms, numbness, fatigue all anxiety related. Between attacks and pains, I told myself this, repeatedly, but for so long it just wasn't enough. I was obsessed with my heart, completely. Checking my pulse was a big thing, id do it atleast 60-70 times a day, and i think that was a complicated trigger. What i mean by that is, when i felt a pain, checking my HR and feeling it beat normally, it would tick off my checklist.--

-- i should explain, my checklist was a mental list of symptoms and feelings that I would check for to comfort myself. Lip colour, normal HR, blood circulation in the nails (theres a fancy word for that im sure) these things would help to calm me down and ultimately allow me to convince myself that I was actually fine and not at all suffering from a heart attack.

So anyway checklist ticked, normal heart rate, everythings calm again. Here's where the pulse checking gets complicated.. Sometimes I would check it, and it would feel slightly too fast, or too slow. Although my heart rate had never been really strange, my resting HR is low, i found that out but having it down at 51 with no side effects tells me it's normal. It also never got extremely high either. When I excercise, it would max out at 160, so not too bad for my age (23) and then balance back out after a little bit, normal, fine. The point is that when I felt it beating at what I, in my anxious state perceieved as an abnormal rate, it would then bring on an attack. Hence, complicated trigger. I have a few of these, reading stories of heart attack sufferers helped me to realise how bad things would have to get for it to actually be a heart attack, this was comforting until I realised I was now thinking of heart attacks aaaaaand there are the pains again. It's Complicated.

I visited my GP a couple of times, he didn't really see the need in doing anything other than the basic tests, apparently heart disease is quite unlikely at this point in my life... Not according to that one news article a year ago that said a guy my age died of a hear--.. Dont do this, weird shit happens, yes, but a man was touched inappropriately by a goat last week, it doesn't mean it's happening to you. I am ofcourse, a massive hypocrite, as associating these stories about young, heart related deaths was a big problem for me..

If you're still reading, you're either having an attack,extremely bored, or my writing is less mind numbingly awful than I thought. If it's the first one, and you feel like crap right now, here's how I *beat it.

*using the term beat very loosely.

Okay, so I didn't do anything drastic, breathing excercises never really worked for me, never tried yoga. Physical activity helped, cycling, walking etc. Being able to test my heart and have it pass with flying colours was extremely comforting. Honestly though, i'm not sure there's a magic formula, alot of time, good amounts of sleep every night (this one might get difficult, but go to bed calm, if you're suffering in bed, take yourself away, go pee or something and try again) and the confidence that you can climb mountains inside your own mind. I'm not special, i'm not lucky to have escaped anxiety. It might always be there, but i'm training myself to react to it in a logical way when it inevitably rears it's ugly head. That's what is working for me, accepting it's presence but being determined to destroy it at the same time.

One thing I found helped me, I bookmarked a quote generator on my phone that would give me an inspirational quote every day. I'm still doing it, I find it gives me energy, makes me want to break down walls or conquer a country or something. My favorite so far, and perhaps the most relevant is this:

"Whatever you fear most has no power, it is your fear that has the power" - OPRAH WINFREY

Now my only experience of Oprah was seeing her get run over in the hit Nickelodeon show "Drake & Josh" but she seems to be very quotable...

So that's pretty much the last month of my life on paper, I don't know where i'd be without my family, friends and internet anxiety forums. I'm closing this chapter. This terrifying chapter, is being pushed to the back of my mind, maybe for me to revisit one day and realise how f***ing great I am to have overcome the implosion of my own mind.

I made it.

You will too.


|-/

Well what a story! Just shows anything is possible, if you only believe, I too had a bad few months thought things would never change and was ready to cop out, throw the towel in and become a recluse, but No I have turned my life around through the positive ppl on here and going to a MH Charity which I have now been going for about 5 weeks now and feel much better too :) So well done mate and thanks for your story :) Cheers

Your statement is soo accurate or I should say Oprah. It is your fear that has power. I learned that from reading posts here. I'm glad so many people have found a way to combat anxiety. I too have quelled the beast and hope I never experience again.