Feeling extremely low

Hi all,

I'm not sure what I am expecting from this post, I just need to vent somewhere right now.

Right now I am finding things that have happened in my past are coming back and haunting me. I went through a very violent relationship with my eldest father, I was 13 when we got together, I fell pregnant and had my eldest at fifteen. I was so naive when all this happened, it very quickly turned violent and controlling. By the end of it, I was getting hurt just for simple things like not replying to texts correctly, or being too friendly with others.

Forward on 6/7 years, I have a wonderful partner, three beautiful and healthy children. I should be very happy, we have a very stable home and my partner is absolutely amazing and tries to do the very best for me and the children. Yet I'm still struggling, I've never spoken about the abuse I encountered, I just dealt with it and moved on but now I can't stop thinking about it. I'm angry and hurt how someone would ruin all of my confidence and my happiness.

My anxiety is sky high, I can't leave the house and I'm having daily panic attacks, most of the time I don't even know why or what has triggered them.

Recently I just feel like ending it all, it isn't worth feeling like this all the time. it's too much and I will never be happy, I make everyone around me suffer too much but then I am left with this awful guilt of feeling like this when I have everything I ever dreamt of. I don't deserve any of this happiness or my partner and kids.

I've got a doctors appointment tomorrow to talk about this but I normally find they are useless. So I don't know where to go from here :(

Oh darling. :emot-crying:

I'm sorry you're going through this. You are absolutely not alone. What you're experiencing has happened to so many people. ... and because of that, there's a lot out there that can help.

Relate do counselling for abuse survivors.

I'm in psychotherapy to deal with the abuse I went through. It really makes a difference. I was suicidal for chunks of time. I'm not any more. It is possible to get to the other side. It feels like it will go on forever, but it won't.

Did you know, memories of abuse come up for processing when we're safe enough to emotionally do it? So the fact you're able to process this now is testament to how good things are right now. It's good, so you will be supported. Our brains only let us grieve when we are ready to.

Feeling low is part of the process. It's ok to feel whatever you feel. It's important to let it out.

Some people don't process memories of abuse until they're much older. It's good you're doing it now. You get to change, early in your life.

I wish my mum had properly gone to therapy when I was little. She went a couple of times and then stopped, and remained ****ed up and passed on so much bad stuff. Taking responsibility for your emotions and mental health will make you an amazing role model as a mother. Your kids deserve a mum who actively works on dealing with her problems. You're doing that - keep going.

There is no 'should' - please release yourself from the pressure to 'be happy' because it looks like you 'should' on paper. Listen to your inner guidance.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by lior

Oh darling. :emot-crying:

I'm sorry you're going through this. You are absolutely not alone. What you're experiencing has happened to so many people. ... and because of that, there's a lot out there that can help.

Relate do counselling for abuse survivors.

I'm in psychotherapy to deal with the abuse I went through. It really makes a difference. I was suicidal for chunks of time. I'm not any more. It is possible to get to the other side. It feels like it will go on forever, but it won't.

Did you know, memories of abuse come up for processing when we're safe enough to emotionally do it? So the fact you're able to process this now is testament to how good things are right now. It's good, so you will be supported. Our brains only let us grieve when we are ready to.

Feeling low is part of the process. It's ok to feel whatever you feel. It's important to let it out.

Some people don't process memories of abuse until they're much older. It's good you're doing it now. You get to change, early in your life.

I wish my mum had properly gone to therapy when I was little. She went a couple of times and then stopped, and remained ****ed up and passed on so much bad stuff. Taking responsibility for your emotions and mental health will make you an amazing role model as a mother. Your kids deserve a mum who actively works on dealing with her problems. You're doing that - keep going.

There is no 'should' - please release yourself from the pressure to 'be happy' because it looks like you 'should' on paper. Listen to your inner guidance.

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Hi, thank you so much for taking the time to reply to me.
I'm finding it difficult to seek the help although today my gp was great. They have higher-ed my medication, given me medication for my anxiety and referred me to counselling although I am extremely cautious of counselling from a very bad experience.

I'm sorry that you have also experienced abuse, I honestly feel that I've had the best parts of me ripped out. I'm extremely angry towards him and myself for letting him take so much away from me. I feel as though I am a shell of the person that I used to be. I was just a young girl barely a woman and I'd already had every shred of confidence ripped from me.

That is such a great thought, that put a smile on my face. I feel incredibly selfish at times because my partner is absolutely amazing. He does everything for me and helps me as much as he can. He doesn't know much about the abuse I endured because I'm too ashamed to talk about it. I've never told anyone the details of what went on for all those years. I feel like I need to get it all out or I'll explode yet I can't actually say or write the abuse that went on. I can't, it's literally all a jumble and I cant make sense of how I coped in those years.

That is my absolute main fear, I do not want to pass my problems on to my children. My mother did this a lot to me, I was never a normal child or teenager hence why I allowed myself to be treated so badly for such a long amount of time.
My kids are the best part of me, the moment I became a mother, I became a much more stronger person. I was a young girl at best and yet I fought to give my children the very best and to this day I try my hardest.

Sorry for all my ramblings, it helps to get it all out even if an unfortunate soul has to read it lol. xxx

Ramblings are proven to be good for you! Keep writing. It doesn't matter whether it's on here, or in a journal. Just keep writing, and talking about it when you can. It does take a really long time to sort through that jumble. I have pretty much sorted through the jumble of an abusive relationship - with a boyfriend, when I was 18. So it is possible to do it - if I can do it, so can you.

I think you're right - how we're brought up determines what kind of treatment we allow towards us.

It would be good for your relationship at some point to open up to your husband, but ONLY when you are ready - AND as long as you're not putting on him more than he can take. He's (probably) not a trained psychologist so he won't know how to handle stuff you're saying to the level of support you need. It's good to have friends and your partner for support of course, but it's best to have someone trained to help you through the process of untangling that jumble.

I also had a couple of bad experiences with a counsellor and also with CBT, as a teenager. But since then, I've been with a very good psychotherapist who charges me according to what I can afford. I've also done CBT that really helped, on the NHS.

If the counsellor isn't right for you, you don't have to stay with them - but it might be good to find another one, or another kind of therapy. Have faith - you deserve support, and you will find it.

Keep getting those emotions out, you're doing great xx

I hope it helps because I don't know what else I can do. I'm struggling to understand why all the memories are flooding back now and why I'm so angry at him. I despise the fact that he took so much of me away and that I will never be the same.

I do open up with my partner, he knows I'm struggling with depression and anxiety but like you said, it's not fair to dump all this load on him. I also feel as though I'm not ready to tell anyone about the things that I have been through.

I'm currently waiting to go to a mental health team, I will give anything a go but I worry that if I have a very similar bad experience with a counselor it will cause a great deal of damage.

I'm struggling quite a bit with coping. I'm really wanting to self harm, something I haven't done since early teens. There is no way I would do it but the urge is very high and it's driving me crazy.

These are all things I can relate to a lot.

If you are worried about having another bad experience with a counsellor, it can be helpful to tell the mental health team. They will be able to advise you on how to approach this. It can take some time to find the right counsellor for you - but that doesn't mean there won't be a good one for you - good counsellors are out there. Don't give up. Or... it might be that counselling isn't the right form of therapy for you. You will find the support you need. Have faith.

Although your specific circumstances are unique, there are patterns to human experiences, and therapies have been developed to support people who are going through the pattern you're going through right now. The help you need is out there and you will get it.

If you don't feel ready to talk, you don't have to push it. Articulating things somehow make them feel more real, right? It's a step that you will take when you're ready to.

On self harm - I struggle with this too. It sounds like you already know that thoughts are different from actions. Are you able to identify what you're thinking about or doing just before you want to self harm? Maybe you can find a way to avoid the trigger, or change the thought pattern in some way?

You say you will never be the same - and I think you're right. However, as someone who has come out the other side of processing emotional and sexual abuse, I feel that I've become more wise, more assertive, better at self-compassion, more in tune with myself, more able to live consciously, more able to see and understand and empathise with the suffering of others, which allows me to connect more deeply to people. I'm less of a people pleaser, and I like myself more (even though I still have a hateful inner voice sometimes - she's a bitch and I love her into silence). Maybe you won't be the same, but you'll probably be much more interesting, and hopefully the woman you want to become.