When I was a kid I was bitten by a dog. The actual event was more traumatic than the bite, but I was taken to hospital and given an injection of penicillen. As I went to stand up, I pretty much passed out on the stretcher. I believe that it was because I was so tense about the injection.
During my school days, I used to get so worked up about having lessons with a particular teacher that I'd start hyperventilating and I'd be soaking with sweat.
More recently, I had some blood taken and I got so worked up that (again) I nearly passed out. That time, I'd got it in my head that as soon as they moved the pad, blood would go squirting across the room and they wouldn't be able to stop it!! It was the sight of my own blood that brought it on.
I know that these reactions are out of all proportion to the actual events. I'm a 31 year old, 6 ft tall bloke and I've behaved like a kid when, for example, I was stung by a bee. I was practically in tears! It's soooo embarassing.
Last week, I had to see the headteacher at the school where I work, for a friendly, "welcome to the school" cup of tea. I couldn't even sit down in here room, nevermind drink a cup of tea....I was a bag of nerves.
I do have some kind of insight into why I react in such a way. As far as I'm concerned, it's because I'm not reacting to the challenge that faces me eg. meeting the headmistress, but instead, I'm letting my mind race and become out of control and instead, I'm reacting to more overwhelming thoughts, such as "what if I have a panic attack in her office, lose control and go mad or run out of the room? They'll have to sack me and then I'll never get another decent job!!!".
Physically, I don't feel right still. I feel very tense rather than relaxed. It does feel as if I'm at a heightened state of alertness. Obviously, that's extremely tiring too and I feel exhausted. Add a pinch of depersonalisation and voila!
Ever since I was little I've felt like I'm a depressive person, but I'm feeling more and more that the depression is secondary to the anxiety. If I wasn't so fearful, then if a situation made me depressed, I could leave it and go somewhere that made me feel happier. But, my anxiety/agoraphobia tricks me into thinking that I have very few options and that I can't go very far or do very many things....which creates greater feelings of depression.
The happiest I've ever felt was when I got together with my first girlfriend. I felt as if I was alive for the very first time. I didn't lose my virginity until I was 22 because I was so tense and because I didn't want to let a girl close to me in case she uncovered all the things that were wrong with me. It was great to finally let all those barriers down and to reveal more of myself to someone than I had ever done before. It felt as if I'd stepped into the 'real world' for the first time in my life. Unfortunately, I was still very needy and dependent on her, so when the relationship ended I felt as if my life had ended too and like I was a zombie!
I used to think that 'personal growth' was a liberal-minded, wishy washy buzz word, but my current thinking is that it's so important to keep on learning and to challenge your fears and assumptions about yourself. When I was younger, I always labelled myself 'a coward' and felt like I had to accept it and to live within my limitations. I couldn't really square it with the brave things that I'd done, such as moving 200 miles away to study at Uni or selling face to face on the high street.
At the moment, it is very difficult for me to see how I'm going to get better. I've been severely ill with it for over 4 years and, in many ways, I feel as bad now as I ever have done. But then in other ways, I can see the illness for what it is and realise that it's not the true me. I do feel like I need a lot of help to get better and it's scary that I'm in the system, but that it's taken this long to see someone. I do try to look at myself from their point of view and think "well, I can't really be that bad then. They're probably dragging it out because there's a good chance that I'll get better on my own and it'll save them money. From their point of view I must just be nervous and it just feels worse than it is".
I'm really trying to pin down faults in my thinking that have plagued me all my life, so that when I do get better, I'll be happy and settled. Even though I feel horrendous at the minute, I've got a really good job in a school and my social life is really good too....which is something that I've been struggling for for a long time. If I can start to feel better and happier, then there's no reason for me to feel miserable again.
It is all very scary and daunting though. I could really do with relying on someone to get me better and see me through it, because I feel so weak and exhausted, but I know that the only way to get better is to do it myself. If I rely on somebody else, then I become very needy and as soon as they're gone, I'm a wreck again.
If other people are capable of feeling happy and optimistic then so am I. There's no physiological reason why I can't be happy. My mum had chronic agoraphobia for about 4 years and she goes abroad every year now! There's no reason why I can't be the same.
