Any comments very, very welcome x

Hello All,

I have never used one of these sites before, but I have read a lot of your posts and I think it would be really useful to liaise with you about some of my experiences, in particular the horrible situation I seem to have found myself in this week.

I am 25-years-old, and have always been a bit of a 'worrier'. Last year I underwent some CBT sessions to try to help with my obsessive ruminating and fixation on negative thoughts. However, I have never taken medication for the problem, and it has never affected my life to the extent that it is at the moment.

I am with a lovely man, who is absolutely perfect for me. He really makes me happier than I have ever been, and I have never ever had any doubts as to whether we should be together. Everything has been great!

On the Saturday just gone, I met up with my ex, who I haven't seen for about a year. We broke up a couple of years ago, and have kept in touch sporadically. Every time - apart from this one - I have been very angry with him, although have kept this quite well hidden. He was really quite nasty to me during a lot of the four years we were together. He suffered from bad depression, and would lose interest in me for months at a time. Additionally, he was verbally very abusive and would should at me a lot, telling me I always ruin everything and that he wanted to treat me so badly, that I would become ill myself. Really horrible stuff!

I knew I was falling out of love with him, and found this pretty traumatic. The two weeks prior to the break-up were horrendous for me emotionally, as I kept going over everything in my mind and questioning if it was really the right thing to do. Even after we broke up, I questioned myself repeatedly. But I stuck to my guns and we didn't get back together, THANK GOODNESS!

While we were having coffee, we didn't discuss anything out of the ordinary at all, and didn't even talk about the times we had together. It was a beautiful afternoon, I had just had a promotion, everything was good. I didn't even feel angry towards him. But it did fell weird; especially since we met quite close where we used to live and he was even wearing a T-shirt I had bought for him.

I had absolutely no feelings for him whatsoever; I would just like to clarify that. I am totally committed to my boyfriend. But I was looking at him, thinking that I used to have feelings for him, and not being able to work out in my mind how people fall out of love with their partners. In fact, I think I kind of felt sorry for him and a bit guilty.

I was relieved to say goodbye to him, and didn't feel any need to speak to him or see him again.

I was excited to go over to my boyfriend's house that afternoon, and everything was great. However, I suddenly began to feel incredibly ill, with massive anxiety in my stomach. My limbs were numb, I felt like I was watching myself in some kind of horrible nightmare. I became terrified because I felt exactly how I did in the two weeks before I broke up with my ex, and convinced myself I needed to do the same with my boyfriend. It was absolutely horrendous, I could feel no love towards him at all... Nor feel any enthusiasm towards work, my cat, my home, nothing. It was like I had lost myself completely.

I felt like I had regressed back two years, and felt EXACTLY the same as I had when I broke up with my ex. I couldn't even really remember how happy I had been in the two years since. What probably didn't help, was that it is the same time of year that it happened. What's more, I broke up with my ex the day we were due to go on holiday. Suddenly the vacation my boyfriend and I are due to take next week seemed a very scary prospect.

The thing that terrified me most, was that I appeared to have fallen out of love with my boyfriend - having NEVER had any doubts about us before - in the space of an hour. I can't explain how distraught I became.

We ended up going to my parents' house, where I have remained throughout this week. I have spoken to a counsellor, who said I must have had a thought (unknown to me), which I began to ruminate about subconsciously. He reminded me, you can't change your feelings towards somebody or your life that quickly. It simply isn't rational. Similarly, on visiting my GP, he says I seem to have had some kind of 'trauma', which seeing my ex (and all the horrible memories) must have brought up.

He gave me a week's prescription of Diazapram, to take 3x20mg doses per day. He reassured me that he thought I would be through the worst, and feeling almost myself again, after a week or two. I have had several bad panic attacks since I saw him on Monday, but they seem to be calming down.

I know these negative feelings I have simply aren't real, and it is this that has kept me going, though it has been horrendous. I just want my life back.

I saw my boyfriend last night, and it was amazing to see him. I know I am through the worst, and I am gradually regaining my feelings. I still feel absolutely petrified that my doubts will never entirely go away though. I just can't believe this has happened to me; it's definitely the worst experience of my life.

I would be so grateful if anybody could let me know if they have experienced such a breakdown, or could offer any advise or words of wisdom.

Thank you so much in advance.

xx

hiya jayne. :welcome: to nmp it lovely to have you here :D . you will get lots of support/advice/reasurance and make some great friends along the way. im going to try to answer your post as best i can but im not an expert. i think when you were with your ex all them feeling where awakened in you as a result of the trauma he put you through due to his own problems and depression. being treated that way by anyone for a length of time i would class as distressing and traumatic. although you said that there are no feelings there for him any more and you had a nice time seeing him again i believe these feelings came back as he was the one to trigger then off in you in the first place. my advice to you would be to cut all ties with him amd just get on with your life with the great guy you are currently with. ur ex dont need to be a part of your life any more so leave him in the past where he belongs and hopefully thoses nasty anx feeling will stay there with him. its like this.... if you were to witness something horrible or if something nasty was to happen to urself in a certain coffee bar or pub that left you feeling quite scared and anx when you later returned to that same place although the threat was no longer there your body will still react in that way as ur subconsius remembers what took place. the same has happened with ur ex and seeing him. so in my opinion you are better cutting all ties and not seeing him again.
i hope i have made some sense to you and it helps you a little.
love and happiness
take care :hugs: :hugs: :hugs:

kellie.xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Hello Jayne And Welcome....i Wish Ya Well...........linda

This must have been absolutely terrifying for you, and I think you've been very brave about it. It does indeed sound as though you're over the worst of it, and I expect that things will now gradually return to normal. It seems to me that meeting your ex plunged you into a state of emotional confusion which triggered the distressing feeling about no longer loving your boyfriend. Things will get back to normal when your traumatised state subsides.

Welcome.

That was simply an amazing story on so many levels, and I read every word of it. I certainly wouldn't be in a position to offer any advice, but I will say that I, too, have experienced the effect of having certain memories brought back to the forefront after many years . . . and it is not pleasant at all. Fortunately, my own unpleasant memories are not romantic in nature -- and, hence, the reaction is probably not as quite as strong. Glad that you feel its working out for you and your partner. Best of luck.

Hi Jayne

I agree with Kellie, I think you should cut all ties with your ex. Its obvious that the way he treated you has had some effect on you.

My ex of 8 years ago contacted me recently, goodness knows why, but I just ignored his email. He was verbally and mentally abusive towards me and like your ex, went through depression.

The past is in the past. It cannot be changed but its best to move on from these things. You sound like you have a wonderful fella who makes you extremely happy, so concentrate on that hun :)

Jo xxxxx

Thank you SO MUCH to everyone who has got back to me. I can't express how grateful to you all I am. What a wonderful site; I am so pleased I found it!

I am feeling gradually better, and went back to work today which went well.

I think I'm just in shock now that this has all happened, and although I definitely feel better, I still don't feel entirely back to my normal self.

I am sure I will though!

Thank you again. I will certainly keep posting.

xx

Thank you too, Jayne . . . because I think that *I* learned something from this thread as well: what is in the past, should stay in the past.