I have had enough I really don't want to deal with it anymore.

I have posted before about my health anxiety ruling my life, however in the last few weeks it got better I even managed to go to work for a couple of hours! Now I am once again nearly housebound and hate my mum leaving the house. I have had a really supportive boyfriend and family, however that all seems to be changing... they always focus on the things i dont achieve instead of the things I do which ruins my confidence. I just really can't deal with this anymore I dont want to be scared everyday.. I'm exhausted and I have tried everything and nothing works.. I have been helping my boyfriend revise for his exams.. literately he just comes rounds revises and leaves.. anyway it made me feel quite upset because I feel like he is only here as he finds it easy to revise here but doesnt want to spend time with me. I addressed him with this today and just asked if he could stay for an extra half hour and we could just chill, he said no he needed to go home, anyway I got quite upset( although my emotions are very heightened atm) and said no I wanted to talk about things and sort things out... he turned round and said I was crazy and no one in their right mind would act the way I do.. now I am just in a state and can't cope anymore, I dont want to be like this anymore I dont want people let alone my boyfriend to think I'm crazy.. I just dont see the point anymore I think it would be a lot easier if I wasn't here because then my mum could just get on with her life and my boyfriend wouldn't have to pretend he still loved his "crazy" girlfriend.. because tbh he cant I'm not the same person I was 2 years ago, all i see is anxiety and thats all I feel.. just anger and upset. I don't recognize me anymore, I don't want to be me anymore.
I know no-one can really offer advice but I just needed to write my feelings somewhere, were people won't judge me.

Hey Hanbr sorry to hear your feeling so low, we have all felt this way at some point but just remember your having a bad day and tomorrow will be better.
Look I'm a total stranger and I'm empathising with you and wishing you better!! Now imagine if I feel like this just how much must your family love you, I have an absolutely massive family and yet I don't confide in anyone in regards to my anxiety, I really feel unless you have suffered from it you can in no way understand it.
Try not to judge your close ones to harshly they all love you more then you can imagine.
Find someone to talk to who won't judge you a counsellor or some such person, no matter how bad your feeling right now go and do something you enjoy listen to your favourite album, watch your favourite tv show, talk to your best friend, you'll find joy in something even if its a bowl of your favourite ice cream.
No matter how bad things seem the moments of happiness no matter how small are worth it, be well and remember lots of people love you :-)

Wise words Clint ... ditto what he said.....

You will get better, everyone does.

Some CBT or talking therapy may be helpful to you now, it will help you with ideas to improve your confidence and give you chance to vent that anger and fear.

:hugs: Sam x

Hey Hanbr,

It's good to get it out- never try to keep it in its good to talk.

I agree with Clint and Tufty this is all brilliant advice. I am not sure how old you are Hanbr but you may qualify for some youth counselling services and support? (Age 13-24) I know we have some brilliant services in my area and I think you can self refer or go via your GP.

Hope above doesn't sound offensive I just thought it might be good to know there are things out there.

I can relate to having a really bad time at the moment and wanting to give up but as Clint said our families do care and no matter how much you think you are hurting them they want you to be better and will never stop listening or caring. I often feel like my partner may not understand or that I am letting him down because I am not 'me' right now but he knows I'm still in here somewhere, underneath it all even on my worst, worst days!

Take care of yourself and keep posting or talking here if it helps you.

Xxxxxxx