Please read, Dont know what to do

[lisak789]

I think I am at my witts end. Those who have read my posts before know that I have been worried about my son, and the lump on his ankle. Well he had a bone scan they said it was due to trama, he had a MRI they had this spooky write up about bone marrow edema and all that stuff so they sent him for a CT scan and the result of that was that it was due to trama and it was just calcification or they called it ossification. Anyways now they refuse to do anymore tests cause they said that they have done all the tests and its ok. well the lump sometimes looks like its getting bigger. But I am driving my kids nuts with my health anxiety, they are 15 and 13 and I have them to the doctors at least once to twice a month. Here is where it gets bad, I have had lots of thoughts of suicide lately. Not because I am depressed or freaking out its like a feeling of being exhausted. Just like I cant possibly keep doing this worrying about my kids because I am exhausted, the kids are sick of it and my husband is going crazy. The doctors are even getting mad at me. But the thought of having control to take my own life, that its my decision not a disease or worrying to death, is so calming. Its like the more I think about suicide the more calm I feel. I haven't told anyone I know about this and I don't think I plan to. the fear of losing one of my kids is taking over what life I have and I cant bear the thought of losing one of them.

[cpe1978]

Lisa

If you ever genuinely feel suicidal then you must seek help. No matter of reassurance from people on here will be sufficient. Please ask for professional help. I am sure though we are all here for you

[AlexandriaUK]

?Yes you need too talk too someone' you also need too imagine your childrens lives without their mum, if you truly believe they will be happier without you and that they will be healthier without you you are fooling yourself. Don't take your children too the doctors take yourself take your laptop if you have done and show tham this post. Life without your mum is hard when we are older but horrendous when you are a child, asking for help will give your children a gran for there children xxx

[saab]

If you are feeling like this you need to talk to a professional about it. Also, if you can get it, Dr Claire Weekes book, 'Self Help for You Nerves' is a fantastic book, which has some useful things about obsessional thoughts.

I think you are exhausted too - exhausted from having anxious feelings. Just like pain is very tiring, I think anxiety and panic are tiring too, because your mind is never at rest. When you feel physically tired you can sit down, lie down, or sleep to recharge your batteries. It's much harder to do with an anxious mind.

However, these feelings will pass. It may be hard to believe it because, as Claire Weekes says, 'Our nerves bluff us' - they fool us into thinking that there is something seriously wrong (physical or mental) with us, when there isn't. We are just totally exhausted with anxiety and panic.

Similarly, feeling calmer when thinking about suicide is your mind bluffing you, because the distress and chaos that suicide brings is anything but calming to others. The calm feeling comes, not from suicide, but the thought of being in control. You need to find another way to feel 'in control'...........

Or alternatively, and a better solution, is to, as in Buddhism, let go of control. Stop trying to get a grip on yourself, simply relax and let go. This is all in Claire Weekes too. Accept your racing mind, trembling hands, sick stomach. Stop trying to control things. Stop looking for certainty - for eg. the certainty that your children aren't ill in some way. Accept that life can be uncertain.

Then float... let the negative thoughts that come up drift past you. See yourself as sitting on a riverbank. The river is the thought stream in our minds. As a negative thought comes along the stream, don't let it drag you into the stream. Let it drift pass. All thoughts pass in time, good and bad ones. Don't judge them though, just say, 'There goes a thought', and let it go. Stuff in your head isn't real, so don't label thoughts and say, 'I mustn't think that'.... just let a negative thought go, because it means nothing.

If you have an ipad or android device, the free Insight Timer app has some good guided meditations. They help you to live in the moment and not be constantly striving, judging, and going over stuff in your head. I try to do one every day:

https://insighttimer.com/

Sorry if this has been a bit rambling. I hope it helps and I hope you feel better soon.