HOCD/ROCD - help! At wits end now

[MaltedMilks]

Hey. Um, I'm not really sure who else to turn too now. My mum has helped me as much as possible but it's still eating me up.
Ok so, basically my entire life I've found guys hot and had crushes on them. All through school and uni. Now I got this guy I really fancied and we've been going out for 4 months. He's fantastic and really loves me. And I thought I really loved him, whenever I'm in a good mood and don't feel icky then I truly believe that I love him. Whenever he leaves for a week or 2/3 I get really sad and even cry. About a month ago I started to have doubts and what I believe to be hocd started. I started to have gay thoughts and they freaked me out. I then couldn't really shake them and loads of things triggered them. I can't watch tv without asking myself if I find the women on it attractive or even listen to the radio. I keep having lesbian thoughts and they really freaked me out. Now I've started to think about it so much and analyse all of my last looking for evidence. I used to stalk the popular girls on fb and I'm not sure if that is a lesbian thing to do. I watched lesbian porn and that would turn me on a lot. I created husband and wife families of the sims and then make the wife become lesbian. When I first looked at porn I searched naked ladies not men - I was around 11 at the time. But the thing is I've always fancied guys. But this is my first relationship. I've had other ocd thoughts about this when I thought I liked someone else and went a bit crazy over that - I would look up loads if articles about it. Like what I'm doing now. I get scared that the more I think about having a lesbian relationship, the more comfortable I get with it. It feels real and this scares me even more. I've had lesbian fantasies as well as straight ones but the lesbian ones seemed to turn me on more now. My bf and I had great making out sessions at the start of the relationship and I would really really enjoy it. But since a month ago I feel that I'm not adequately turned on and keep analysing it so much that I almost feel empty to the entire relationship. I find penises ugly but when it's hard and touched my leg then I get slightly aroused. I've heard it's normal for straight people to watch lesbian porn. I get worried that I only watch the woman in sec scenes on tv.
I'm so scared and the thought of breaking up with my bf scares me so much. I don't want to hurt him, I love him. But then again I'm not sure if he's just physical reassurance for me that iM not gay. I can't stop checking if I'm turned on by every woman that I see on the street and analyse wether or not I'm good enough looking to be straight. I have low self esteem as well. Obsessive thoughts like this enter my dreams, keep me up at night and are near enough the first thing I think about in he morning. When I'm alone I think about it more and have to phone my mum for reassurance. I can't watch the tv programmes I used to because I'm scared of triggers and I feel so anxious when I watch tv alone. I distracts me from work and I can't stop analysing things - especially my past and if I was attracted to women in movies that I've watched more Han men. I tend to believe what I read and it scares me. I get scared that I'm in denial and that this doesn't feel right because I'm actually gay. I'm worried that I'm sexually attracted to women and romantically to guys. Perhaps I've always been brought up to think that a husband is the way to go. (Something that I read). Everything scares me and feel that if I let go and stop caring about these thoughts I'm going to come to the conclusion that I'm gay and I'm going to lose my bf. I'm worried that I'm going to just accept the feelings and become gay.

[OCD-Greyback]

Factually stating such will not occur Miss.

I can factually relate to stated facts. I have been straight my factual entire existence and I am aware I do not find my factual gender attractive. However upon factual occasions when stated images factually appear at random, and I am not factually bothered, or I factually feel I will get factually affected when I will not, I doubt stated facts of my orientations.

It has been factually stated that HOCD and such facts will not turn a person to the opposite orientation they factually are. Acceptance of stated thoughts is a factual practice by stated psychologists to assist those whom suffer and such facts. However I factually am aware also that acceptance of stated factual intrusive thoughts or stray thoughts and thinking, can bestow the factual feeling of acceptance that you are what you are factually not.

When a person with factual OCD ceases to gain anxiety from factual thoughts and such, this is stated to be a 'Backdoor Spike' where in, there is no anxiety and yet the lack of factual anxiety creates anxiety itself and such Miss.

I am aware I am not the factual things my OCD states, whether it is factual HOCD, POCD or others I factually experience and such.

My best friend, whom is female, is my entire existence and I love herself more than I can factually state. I am factually sexist against my gender as I simply dislike them entirely and such facts. However rOCD factually has occurred to do with her factual self, and yet she never has altered towards myself, never factually doubted me, never judged or acted negatively towards myself and such. I have never factually doubted herself, despite factual short-term and false doubt from OCD and such. I would factually rather never feel factual emotion than to lose herself for the fact of my OCD and such.

However it is never factually as simple as factually 'moving on', nothing thinking about factual thoughts and such facts Miss.

I have never factually found my gender attractive as I stated, I have avoided such facts and am entirely straight. However it is never factually simple.

Best of factual wishes to yourself and such Miss. I have no factual doubt that you shall succeed. You should factually feel pride within yourself and I am certain you will not factually lose what you factually treasure.

If I can be of factual use or assistance with factual conversation, I am as per the usual glad to be of use to the DPG and lady you are and such.