I love my mum, too much I think sometimes, and I often base how I feel,
my self esteem and self worth on how she treats me and how we get on. She always seems to know whats best for me, (I know know, what mother doesn't think that!) But to a point where she spams me with emails everyday, because she doesn't like my job (I love it), and if my boyfriend came to the house, she would be so rude to him and me, I would cringe, he refuses to come round anymore :( and I love him alot, so unless I'm at his, I often feel lonely and isolated. She makes a point of walking away when I talk about him or mention him, and the only reasons she gives, are that he has a beard, he isn't what I want (?!) and she cannot talk to him because she doesn't like him. This man treats me like a princess and Is so accepting of my anxiety it is unreal!

She loves to tell people how she would only ever be happy if I was, and I could do or be anything as long as it made me happy, but I do feel it's down for her to say when I'm happy, and If I say it, it means nothing. Very frustrating. I'm 19 now and I need to start running my own life and doing what makes me happy. Just feel like she has no respect for me.

The worst thing is I suffer from binge eating disorder and frequent bulimic episodes. When I'm at my worst, and most anxious mess and especially if we have argued, she will always go back to that, and ask very coldly, 'How is your eating', with a disgusted look on her face. Just to remind me on I am worthless and nothing without her. She knows everything about me and can use it easily to make me feel like s**t on demand. I hate myself for letting her do it. But when we talk about it normally she is all smiles and hugs and be here for you whenever you need, so proud of you kinda thing.

So sorry for the massive rant, just need to get it all off my chest. Thanks for reading xxxx