Could I have pure O?

[dse]

Hey. This is really hard for me to write, but it's just something I have to get off my chest.

For around 16 months now I've had real trouble with unwanted thoughts. This was at first triggered by an incident where I convinced myself I'd done (or rather thought) something horrible which was sexual and to do with a family member. I know now that this was just a random thought which developed into something far worse as I try to explain and justify it, but at the time it was incredibly bad mentally for me and led me into depressions that have lasted for several months, on and off.

Since then I've had many, many, many other unwanted thoughts on various taboo topics like racism, violence, fear of violence against family etc, though sexual ones caused me the most worry and hurt. This has led me to spend less time with family members and has led to massive losses in self-confidence and esteem, hurting my friendships too. I'm currently undergoing counselling which started after my schoolwork started to be affected, but despite me having a good relationship with my counsellor I've been unable to do any more than hint at the real problem.

I'm fairly sure this isn't standard ocd - I do have rituals that I like to do and am a perfectionist to the point where it makes writing anything seriously difficult. However, I've read accounts of people with OCD on this forum and there symptoms seem much more severe.

This is the most I've ever written or talked about my problems, to anyone. I just want to know what's wrong with me, whether it's pure-o or something else or nothing at all.

Thanks.

[petram]

it sounds like pure o hun , google it and reasearch it , the shit it causes u too feel ie , anxiety shame n guilt reflects it s not how u feel , all the above thoughts are quite common i too have it . and be straight with ya counsellor trust me they have heard it all and if they aint famillar with it they need to be educated on it , it s awfull i know ,just be strong and dont let theese thoughts ruin ya life hun ,easier said than done , humour is good too i laugh at mine ,but not always been able too !! tc chin up hun xx

[dse]

Thanks a lot for the reply . It's good to hear advice from someone with the condition, I'm seeing my counsellor tomorrow so I'll try to talk to him about it. It's just hard, I feel like whoever I'm talking to will think I'm some kind of sick horrible person even though rationally I know that probably won't be the case

[petram]

yeah , i know hun , if u was would u be feeling this shit?? .............not at all hunnie xxx gl let me know how u go . xxxx

[sarah1984]

Hello dse,

I think your problem sounds like a classic case of 'Pure O' or 'ruminatory OCD' as it is also known. I also suffer from Pure O but my intrusive thoughts consist of a fear that something terrible might happen to me at some point in the future and I might be driven to commit suicide. Like yourself, I don't perform any visible physical rituals (like compulsive hand washing, which is more commonly associated with OCD). Instead, the compulsion part of my OCD consists of constantly turning the thoughts over in my mind, trying to suppress my thoughts and monitoring my thinking for the intrusive thoughts, all of which only serve to re-inforce the presence of the thoughts in the first place. Like you, I've always been a perfectionist, which is very common among OCD sufferers.

All people experience unpleasant intrusive thoughts from time to time that may seem strange or morally unacceptable, regardless of whether they suffer from OCD or not. However, the difference with us 'Pure Os' is the significance we place upon the thoughts. As my therapist told me, it's not the thought that counts but the meaning we give to the thought. The fact you find your thoughts so upsetting is proof that you are a good person with a conscience and you certainly wouldn't ever act upon your thoughts. However, that doesn't make the thoughts any less distressing.

Please don't belittle your problem - it's certainly not 'nothing at all' because it's clear that it's having a significant impact on your quality of life. I hope your counselling goes well. I'd also recommend you look up two books - "Break free from OCD: overcoming Obsessive Compulsive Disorder with CBT" by Dr. Fiona Challacombe, Dr. Victoria Bream Oldfield and Professor Paul M Salkovskis and "Overcoming Obsessive Thoughts: How to Gain Control of your OCD" by David Clark and Christine Purdon, both of which I have found most useful. www.ocdonline.com also has some useful info on Pure O.

Good luck with your treatment - Sarah

[dse]

Thanks a lot for the reply Sarah . Last week I was able to talk to my counsellor about what was really going on in my head for the first time which helped a lot, and I'll look up the books your recommended. Hopefully now I'll be able to start getting my thoughts under control.

[lleksam]

Been there DSE.

I suffered for 9 years with unwanted thoughts normally about sex and violence. I was ashamed and felt so guilty.

After 6 months of CBT I'm OCD free!

[dse]

That's great to hear, good to see it can be dealt with . When you say you're OCD free, do you mean you don't get the intrusive thoughts anymore? Or that you do get them, but know how to deal with them?