Anxiety blog
I write a blog just for myself so more like a diary. I wrote this about how I feel about my Anxiety. I thought some of you might relate:
My best friend Anxiety
Anxiety is my oldest and truest friend. I don't remember when I met her because for awhile I didn't know her real name. In preschool I met her when my mom left us alone; I thought she was called Home Sickness. When I started Elementary school I thought she was Stomach Ache who only showed up on school days. When I was six I was walking down the hall in my grandparents house and she appeared as heart palpitations and disassociation, my mother called her 'Creativity' [I like that name best!].
It wasn't until I was so scared of her that I saw a doctor and learned her real name: Anxiety. Though we have tried to break up several times, she remains a constant in my life. I don't like her and she has never been good to me but I don't know who I would be without her. She tells me when I am over tired and pushing myself too hard. She always warns me about situations that might be too much for me. She has been right a couple of times but she is usually wrong and only thinking of herself and not of what I really need or want.
She embarrasses me and so I keep our relationship a secret from most people. When she shows up during a dinner we say we aren't hungry. When she wants my attention the most, like at a party or concert, then we say we have an important appointment and leave early. At work she forces me to go to the washroom several times a day. Workmates think I have a weak bladder but that is better than telling them about a 'best friend' who won't even leave me alone long enough to earn a living. At home she stays hidden from my children but I have let my husband meet her a few times. He understands...he has a friend called Anxiety too.
She is really jealous of my other friendships and so rarely lets me spend time with Calm, Quiet or Fun. When she sees those other girls coming, she hits with full force.
Some medications have made her unhappy and so she has not been as close to me for a time but she is always waiting and I can hear her crying and whining to be back best friends again. The noise of her wants makes it not that fun to be without her anyway.
And so we carry on our friendship like an abusive marriage: me always wanting her to go but never strong enough to insist that she leave.
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