Negative thoughts - how many have you got?

[NoPoet]

Hi all, was just wondering. I've written down all of the major negative thoughts I get (that I know about). Most of them are obvious, some required more thought, others seemed bizarrely un-threatening. Then it occurred to me there are actually more that I forgot about or only come up in rare or obscure circumstances.

Even after lumping similar thoughts together, there are a few dozen.

Has anyone else ever actually sat down and tried to write everything that they think? I always used to skip this in case it made me feel worse, or basically because I couldn't be bothered - it seemed a pointless, childish exercise.

But it actually didn't upset me. In fact it became something of a challenge to turn ideas into words. It felt like I was mapping the extent of the anxiety. I also came across a few things that simply don't bother me as much as they used to.

If people haven't done that already, try it. You don't have to post them here, I was just curious if you have just a few, or if you have dozens and dozens of them.

[vicky23]

I like to write things down as sometimes seeing them on paper is less scary than them buzzing around in your head.
I really do think it's a good exercise to do because it helps you identify when thoughts are unhelpful, so much of the time our thoughts are 'catastrophising' like 'oh no this is awful I hate this' etc etc and we just get used to thinking these thoughts but when we write them down it's easier to challenge them I think.
When our anxiety is high it's hard to challenge negative thoughts so having a time when we're feeling quite calm and coming up with challenges to the negative thoughts is good so we can get the bit of paper out and read it when we're in an anxious state.

[sickandtired]

I have too many to list....but here are my main ones...
if my husband is late home from work,i immediatly worry he,s been in an accident.....I darent ring him,in case he,s driving and I cause him to answer and crash.
if my son is late home,and not answering his phone,I imagine he,s got drunk,choked on his vomit,or taken drugs,or got beaten up/stabbed.When he was younger he was playing hide and seek and we couldnt find him,I got into such a state ,I vomitted and had to lie down afterwards because I felt like I,d been run over.
when my daughters go out to play (which isnt that often and only in the Summer during daylight) I constantly worry about paedophiles.My eldest daughter is my main worry at the moment,she,s at that age where she wants more freedom and we,re at loggerheads.....she was badly bullied at school and this has made my anxiety, about her ten times worse.I check on her facebook and even stalk her friends to make sure no one is taking advantage of her.(she started her periods this year and Im petrified,she might get groomed/raped/pregnant or worse.I dont even trust my neighbours and we live in a nice quiet area....how bad is that!!! there are no issues with any of them,but if someone new moves nearby,I watch them to make sure they dont 'stare' at my kids (omg,Im beginning to sound like a lunatic!)
when my kids are not in my care,I imagine something terrible will happen......even at close family and friends houses...perhaps they didnt check their smoke alarm batteries and there,s a fire.I drive my Mum up the wall constantly asking if her alarms work (she,s a heavy smoker) remind her to make sure she turns her electric blanket off at night.
Im forever telling my hubby to make sure their seatbelts are fastened.I drive him mad with my over protectiveness
At night,I check on the kids,making sure their bedding isnt wrapped around their neck,or maybe they,ve got their dressing gown belt entangled,check their TV,s ,Xbox,laptops are switched off at mains.When theyre ill,I imagine they might choke in their sleep.....Im a very light sleeper because of this.
they are 16 ,12, and 9 for goodness sake and I think I worry about them more now,than when they were babies,apart from when I was constantly re sterilising everything.I felt in control more then.I dont now....
I feel if I dont protect them like this,something will happen if I let my guard down and it will be my fault.
the sound of sirens makes my blood run cold.If I see a tragedy reported on the News,I start imagining that something similar will happen to someone close to me
When my thoughts are really out of control,I even end up in tears as I envision the funeral of a loved one.
I also suffer with terrible dreams.......mainly,my youngest drowning,though this stopped when we taught her to swim.But now,this dream is replaced with me 'losing' her in a shopping centre and Im screaming,crying looking frantically in the shops for her.I even wake up crying with a dreaded fear the whole day- hate those dreams,they are so real

Ive just read these back and I sound totally nuerotic!!!!

---------- Post added at 19:39 ---------- Previous post was at 19:09 ----------

just to add to the above lot....
my anxiety went into overdrive after my Mum suffered a seizure in front of me,a few months ago it was dreadful and I was convinced she was having a stroke and would die (she,s had a TIA before and strokes are in the family) luckily she recovered fully,but Im sure Ive suffered some sort of post traumatic stress.Ive had several panic attacks....one of which made me think I was having a heart attack.Im jumpy,irritable,tearful and just cannot sleep properly.I'm a month into fluoxetine though,and feel a bit better and I'm on the waiting list for CBT

[theharvestmouse]

In the last year or 2 I've come to terms with lots of my negative thoughts, that's not to say I have dealt with all of them, I still get them of course.

I would not say I have a lot but a few of them have been pretty major negative thoughts that have been hard to battle with and have affected me quite badly at various times.

The CBT has helped to get them out, I do find that writing them down helps as Vicky also said.

[NoPoet]

Sickandtired, basically everything you listed relates to health anxiety (fear of death). It is interesting that your fears are basically about other people. This strikes a chord.

Do you ever find yourself feeling like you wouldn't be complete without your family members, like if one of them was gone you wouldn't be complete? I mean we all feel like that about our loved ones but your thoughts seem to represent a fear of being left alone. Did you suffer some kind of major loss in the past, or were you separated from your loved ones, even something as simple as getting lost in a supermarket or at a fair or something, while you were younger?

Harvestmouse - do you think it would help you to list some of your thoughts here?

---------- Post added at 23:42 ---------- Previous post was at 22:30 ----------

While doing my CBT homework I am kind of worried by the sheer number of negative thoughts I've been thinking... I had to imagine myself in a situation where I've got to go somewhere I don't want to, so of course "Going to Work" is my example.

I am currently onto 18 negative thoughts. I will probably find a dozen more. I was going to ask if this is too much but there's no point, we're all different. While it's hard to believe I have so many different negative thoughts (none of which even seem that bad on their own), I guess this is the difference between an anxiety sufferer (and an over-thinker) against someone who just turns up at work and gets their shift out of the way. It's actually a wonder I'm not seriously depressed with such a massive barrage of negativity coming my way each day. I guess I just don't take these thoughts that seriously. I don't have all of them every day and some are quite rare or rely on something annoying happening.

Examples:

"Oh God, not again."
"I'm always at work, it never ends."
"It's not worth it."
"What if I have an accident on the way there?"
"What if I get in trouble?"
"What if I make an idiot of myself?"
"What if I fall out with my colleagues?"

EDIT: I'm on to 38 thoughts now... Christ, Friday's CBT session is going to be another 2-hour one!

[AngelHeart]

Sickandtired I couldve written all that myself. I also have 3 children eldest , female nearly 12, female 9 and male 5! I constantly worry about them like yourself. My eldest started high school last year and from June onwards when she was finishing junior school I started having severe panic attacks worrying about her moving on! Its absolutly horrid to feel this way constantly. The only difference I have from you is that I worry about myself becoming ill and dying and leaving my kids. I am so close to them especially my eldest and I know it will tear them apart if something happened to me, Am so scared of dying too, Ive lost close people around me My gramps who was like my dad, my mum and other close family members. I truely sympathise . If anyone wants to inbox me to chat feel free xxx

[sickandtired]

Pauline
I have that too,but my post was becoming too long!! My anxiety about my own health has calmed down a little....but in the last few years,Ive suffered badly with heavy periods (thought i had ovarian cancer),and damaged my si joint ......but the pain was so bad I was convinced I had a tumor on my spine.Ct scans,laparoscopy,hysteroscopy have shown nothing sinister thank goodness,but Im not producing progesterone,so I guess Im not a total hypochondriac!

psychopoet; When I first had panic attacks 2 years ago,I,d lost 2 friends within 6 months,during this time I found out my son had been taking drugs (weed,speed,methodrone,'bubble') he was just 14 and I never had a clue,i was heartbroken.The dealers were dealing outside the school......I shopped them all to the police....they only lived a few hundred yards away from the school.They used to get young lads befriending them ,then coaxing them back to the house to try whatever they had.Our son started stealing from us to pay for the drugs.
3 houses got raided and 7 arrests were made,one of the houses is still boarded up.
I warned all parents about what was going on and they all said stuff like" my lad wouldnt do that!" how naive.....just like i was....it turned out that most of them were dabbling and they later thanked me for warning them.
But,it caused alot of bother with the school who didnt want their good name threatened....they wanted the problem brushed under the carpet.I had a massive row with the deputy head because I found out the dealing had been going on for years and they knew much more than they were letting on.My sons best friend was caught in the school toilets with 'bubble' and they never thought to warn me.
I took my son out of that school,but the trouble I had was unbelievable.
I wasnt sleeping,my hair began falling out.....
and all the while I,d lost 2 friends,one of whom I really become to depend on for advice....she was much older than me and so wise & kind ,she died suddenly,so the shock was terrible,we,d only been chatting the night before.My other friend died from cervical cancer age just 38.

So,yes....I am petrified of death,especially of leaving my kids whilst theyre young.
I suppose the mind can only take so much.Ive suffered from PND twice.The first time......we,d just moved house,then I had a traumatic birth,resulting in me becoming severely anaemic,my poor daughter got severe colic,I,d no sleep for 3 months,my beloved Grandma died a month later and I had a massive row with my Dad (who's a waste of space) and we still dont speak now.
But,to be honest I think alot of my fears stem from my childhood,wasnt very pleasant at all and I guess Im just trying to be the 'perfect Mum' which I know is impossible and constant worrying doesnt make for a good Mum really does it? Im hoping the CBT will sort my head out!!!!

---------- Post added at 11:14 ---------- Previous post was at 11:01 ----------

psychopoet
sorry i didnt answer your post properly
Yes,I would just want to die if anything happened to one of my kids,but I think thats a normal thought for any parent?
I suppose I do have a fear of being alone.During my Mums divorce ,I was sent to my Aunts to live for 6 months,because my step Dad was making threats (distgusting threats) he also used to beat my Mum badly and we were always scared he,d carry out his threat to kill us all.
I couldnt bear to be without my Mum,I think when she had that seizure,I finally realised that I will lose her one day.....that thought fills me with absolute dread

[NoPoet]

Sickandtired, it's no wonder you are at your wit's end! Nothing that you think is abnormal, especially in light of what's happened in your life. There comes a point where we just break and you passed that point when you became ill (as in, your illness was the moment you "broke").

I think that you would respond quite well to therapy because you are open and honest and you've identified a number of incidents that would be stressful and distressing on their own. You're doing a lot better than I would under the same circumstances.

[sickandtired]

I,ve always thought that what we went through made me stronger,even a bit hard at times,but over the years,those layers are coming off and I dont feel strong at all.....I feel so very vulnerable......like the next thing to happen, may just break me completely

[lauz_lea]

Poet & Sickandtired, I'm not a stalker, honest lol

I'm not sure where my negative thoughts stem from, and sometimes I'm not even sure what they are - I'm not entirely sure what causes my condition to be honest, although I think it all stems from fear of loss and rejection.

One of my earliest memories, and something that I remember haunting my childhood for a few years was nearly getting run over. I'm sure the actual incident isn't as bad as I remember it, but all I could think was "I could have died" - natural I suppose, but perhaps not so natural that it haunted me for many years.

My childhood was relatively happy for the most part. I had an older brother and younger sister but the relationship between my mum and dad wasn't great and he was extremely abusive, particularly towards my mum, but I don't remember most of it very clearly, just odd bits here and there, sometimes I'm not sure if they are memories or visions of the stories people have told me over the years that now feel like memories.

When my dad left, my mum went downhill, but she hid it from us all very well. I always thought she was a very strict mother, not letting us stay out late, or venture very far, and always wanting to know where we would be and who we would be with, but I understand now, and she recently told me that she suffers too so it's given me a better understanding of why I have this condition.

I don't remember many of the events around the divorce, apparently we all went to court and the judge asked us who we wanted to live with, I don't remember this at all, somewhere in my mind I've just blocked it out. But needless to say, the dead beat dad stopped contact with us a few years later and I didn't see him again for many years. This left me with a lot of rejection issues; "Why didn't my dad want me?", "Why didn't he love me?" etc. I was always a daddies girl so I found it very hard. Years later I did resume contact with him and asked him those very questions, his answers were that he had no excuses. Anyway, I got to know him, didn't like him at all, and chose myself to end all contact with him. I felt like I had put that part of my life to bed.

During those years, my mum met and married a wonderful man, my Pops. I wanted so desperately to have the father-daughter relationship I had with my real dad, but I was too scared too. I was years before I could even tell him I loved him, many years.

During my time in sixth form, my Pops mother beame very ill, it was at that time that the rejection issues associated with my real dad had sufficed. It was also the first time I had really experienced the possibility of death/loss and my way of handling it was to pretend it wasn't happening. Try to ignore it and I won't feel sad about it. But I was very scared. She lived for many years, despite only being given a few months.

I became very ill from this point with anxiety, and despite taking a long list of my symptoms to my GP was basically told it was just depression, he prescribed anti depressents and told me to go away. I didn't take them but had around 18mths of solid derealization and depersonalisation, I thought I was going mad. I don't know how I made it through each day. There was no let up, no easing, no good days, just all bad. I never ever felt suicidal though, just didn't want to be alive anymore. I don't know how or why I came out of it, I just did.

I relapsed a few years later when father issues re-emerged. In fact, I remember the first day that the derealization/depersonalisation started, it was the day he came to stay with me - although this clearly wasn't the day it all really started, it had been much earlier, after having to have a termination. I fought it for a few months, thinking I would be ok, but it just got worse and worse until I was once again at rock bottom.

By this time, my now husband (whom I had been with for a couple of years) had moved up to Birmingham, I was to join him. I lived on my own with my cat and had my father sleeping on my sofa. It was an aweful time. I decided enough was enough and couldn't face the thought of another 18mths of being disconnected and feeling like I was going mad, my dad used me for a place to stay (telling his friends I was his girlfriend!), and left after a couple of months. I went to the GP with my mum, and was again prescribed antidepressants, Seroxat and was told I was "just depressed", but I knew that wasn't it.

This time I took them. They certainly couldn't make me any worse. The SE's were tolerable at that time. My husband came down to stay with me for a few weeks and by the time he returned to Birmingham, I was so much better. I returned to work and only had mild lingering SE's. After I moved to Birmingham a few months later, I decided I was fine, and because of all the horror stories associated with Seroxat, I stopped taking them. STUPID! I relapsed very quickly and went to a new GP (with a lot of experience in mental health), and he gave me Prozac. They made me so ill, so a few weeks later I went back on Seroxat.

Unfortunately, my new GP didn't delve into my condition, after all, I had depression on my record already and Seroxat had worked.

A few years later, after suffering with pre-cancerous cervil cells, I was pregnant, and delighted. I reduced my dose and remained on 10mg for many years, I think in all, I was on and off and on Seroxat for a period of about 8-9 years. During which time I also suffered a miscarriage and later had to have a hysterectomy. Needless to say, I didn't cope very well with these. We ended up getting the dog from hell to satisfy my need for another child. What a mistake, he caused an aweful lot of tension in our house and almost broke up my marriage - we didn't have him long.

After my old GP retired, a new GP suggested that it was time for me to come off the Seroxat, after all, bouts of depression usually only last around 6mths or so, and I'd been on it for years. So I slowly started to withdraw. It was about half way through my withdrawal that sysptoms started to re-emerge, but I put them down to withdrawl. How wrong I was (it was around this time that we got the dog!). I started getting the fearful/obsessional thoughts and really thought that having a dog would make me happy. I had thoughts and fears that I would harm my daughter hat came and went - I think the only way I got past those thoughts was that I KNEW I could never harm her. Even on the odd occassions that I had slapped her hand I felt terrible, overwhelming guilt.

Late last year, before I had completely stopped taking Seroxat (although was only on about 2mg), our family was struck with several aweful events. My brother-in-law's baby died (my husbands brother), my sister miscarried and my sister-in-law (my brothers partner) almost died during childbirth, all in the space of a few weeks. Several weeks later my husbands nan also died.

I also suffered a breakdown of very close friendship, perhaps one of the only really close friends I'd had since moving to Birmingham. However, I now understand that she was suffering badly herself and we just couldn't communicate anymore. I started taking everything personally and was crying all the time.

I felt enormous pressure at home as the main earner and resented my husband so much I very neaarly left him in the summer, again, thinking this would solve all my problems (how glad I am that I never left him). I started suffering with a few health anxieties, convinced that the head ache I had was a brain tumor etc and developed palpitations just before I started learning to drive (I think I'll be knocking that on the head for a while).

Little did I know, until finding this site, that I suffer with anxiety AND so does my husband. I'm sure there's an element of depression, but its certainly not the main problem.

I went back on Seroxat 6 weeks ago today. I've had some very rough days, some very good days and many days where I'm middling, but keeping my head above water. The SE's have been horrendous this time because I wasn't at rock bottom, so they took me to rock bottom before they could lift me back up again.

The mind chatter has been just that, not really any worries, other than that I'll never get better again, or the meds won't work this time etc, but in all, I think I can tie down my worries and fears to death/loss/rejection, just like my mum, and my own death (the fear of the unknown). I have had events in recent months that have made me overthink a situation right through to my own funeral, and the music I want etc, but I never fear that something will happen to my daughter, husband or family member on a daily basis.

What concerns me now is the future, my future, my husbands future, and my daughters future. As both my husband and I suffer with anx, will my daughter? Is it inherited/genetic/nature nurture? I don't want this for my daughter and I want to be able to help her now, whilst she's young. I know she suffers to some degree already but I managed to tackle those that I can.

I hope I haven't gone off topic too much, but putting it all down has really helped.