80% of the day I’m thinking sensibly and doing my up most to battle through this and carry on my everyday life. I’m trying to complete my work duties as best I can, trying to seem cheerful and have fun with my girlfriend whenever we’re together, trying to go to the gym and train without worrying about every single heart palpitation and ache or pain and trying to convince my family life is good.
The other 20% is so much more significant and immediately negates any success or wins in the other 4/5s. I spend this 20% worrying about the burning issue(s) in my mind at this time. Currently this is MS.
I have had many symptoms over the last few months – pins and needles in feet, hands, back of head, twitching, electric shocks through my whole body, blurry vision – all these have managed to convince me I’m in the early stages of MS.
Forget that I’ve suffered on/off from anxiety for the previous 10 years, forget that I suffered more than ever in the last 6 month, that work has overtaken my life, that my blood pressure has increase, my heart constantly feels like it’s beating 100mph, the constant butterflies and that all my ‘MS’ symptoms can be easily explained by anxiety.
I believe what I’ve described here is known as Health Anxiety. This certainly isn’t the only anxiety issue I suffer from but I’m convinced I do suffer from this. Last Christmas I had a pain in my stomach which I convinced myself was some form of cancer. The year before I cleaned up a needle found in the lane behind my house (wearing gloves and with a dust pan and brush) and ended up spending months thinking I’d caught HIV.
So why when I’m so convinced I have serious anxiety issues am I still so convinced I have MS. I’ve not sought medical advice for my anxiety so I do not have any answers just opinions. I’ve come to the opinion that anxiety is an irrational illness which is probably why this article would seem like an irrational rant to most people.
I’ve also come to the opinion that both short term and long term solutions are needed. In the short term I will seek medical reassurances I haven’t got a serious illness (I see a Neurologist in 3 days time). However after 10 years I’m no longer naïve enough to believe finding out I’m free of MS will be the end of my issues. There will be other symptoms indicating a serious illness or other situations that will overtake my life with worry.
So to a long term fix. I’ve read loads of stuff on the Internet, relaxation, realisation, stretching, reading one of many, many books, cut down on coffee or alcohol and then there are the many self-help schemes. There seems to be an industry based on our desire for a quick-fix, playing on our desperation – maybe a conversation for another day.
I imagine the long term fix for any of us is a varied combination of many of these things – I know talking about this with someone close has certainly started to help. I’m thinking of picking out a recommended book as my next step, hopefully this doesn’t just fuel my anxious thoughts and add to the issues.
Anyway just thought I’d spill my heart out and let other people know they aren’t alone in their persistent irrational worries.