My story part one

[clear blue sky]

She had a really tight grip on my arm. I remember looking up at her scared, desperate face. She was obviously frightened to the core but the strength she found from somewhere was magnificent.
I was very very young but still remember thinking from the expression on her face 'to her she is fighting for her life'.

My house was so busy, looking around for a face I knew I began to feel very lost. I was Scared, I was confused. Who are all these people? And where are they taking my mum?
And she was gone. Her whaling voice screaming my name over and over again as she was lead outside, the army of strangers with her.

Quiet. I sat with my stepfather and cried myself to exhaustion.

That was the very first time I remember my mum being sectioned, Obviously at 9yr s old I never really understood what was going on but I do remember how sad and scared I felt.

Over my childhood growing up there were numerous occasions when I would have to stay with other relatives/friends of the family. I never really witnessed anything like that again though. I do now know the times in my life my mum wasn't there she had suffered mental breakdowns and had been admitted to hospital.
At 16/17 I began suffering with anxiety/depression. I was referred to a mental health team and received treatment and for two years I was very close to understanding what my mum had gone through. She was there supporting me of course, coming to appointments, lending advice, holding me when I had that overwhelming feeling of just wanting to be as close to her as humanly possible. When 'weird things' (normally people’s faces changing or my arm suddenly flying across the room, seeing people cry blood or washing my hair and suddenly feeling it was no longer there and that I was bald) began occurring I was then the one frightened to my very core.
I was never hospitalized though. I was a cliff hanger according to my therapist and mum has always said I'm a lot stronger than her. Now I know a great deal about mental health, I know it’s nothing to do with strength. I guess it’s just pot luck like with any other illness.

At 16/17 I battled through my depression and anxiety and won but I never realised it would be there, always.
If not obvious to the eye, it is found living in the deepest part of me.

[clear blue sky]

I could see the group of lads playing football in the field I was approaching. It was a hot sunny day and I had just left my group of friends and was heading home. As I got closer and closer I could feel myself trying to look sexier. The hips were moving more, I adjusted my cleavage and flicked my long brown hair back, I was walking with my head held high and scanning my eyes across each one of them. As a teenager seeing a group of topless lads seemed oh so exciting at the time.

As I got that little bit closer I heard one of them call out to me. "Hello, hello what’s your name?"
Suddenly I changed from feeling very confident and attractive to very nervous and ugly, I could feel my face filling with blood. Oh god I can’t go over and talk to them when I have a beetroot face!! I quickened my pace and tried to scurry past.

I could hear them shouting more "OI! OI! YOU, HELLO WHATS YOU’RE NAME???"

I'm being rude I should stop, I can blame the red face on sunburn. It’s a hot day, the sun is out. YEP its sunburn.
The closer I got the more self-conscious I became with every step. Oh dear what am I doing.

The one that had been calling was very attractive. Medium height, spiked brown hair and gorgeous bright blue eyes. His cheeky chappy smile very hard to miss.
"Hello" my voice sounded so wobbly and I was so aware of my chipped teeth being seen I was trying to talk with my mouth shut as not to flash them off.
I must have looked ridiculous. I soon discovered trying to talk with your mouth shut was near on impossible. They must have been waiting for me to reveal my puppet out of a back pocket ventriloquist style.
Could I humiliate myself anymore??
"Guess?" was my response and with that a group of half a dozen lads could be seen reciting an endless list of girl’s names.
When they finally discovered my name I was asked by Toby the cheeky chappy which one of them I liked. It was like I was a contestant on blind date only without the screen in the way.
I smiled at Toby a little more relaxed about the whole teeth thing. "You of course".
After exchanging numbers I turned to walk away tripped over my own flip-flop and face planted into the muddy ground.
Turns out I could humiliate myself just that little bit more.

That was it. That was the day I met the man I would be spending five years of my life with.
It was a passionate fiery relationship and I soon discovered Liam had not had the greatest start to life. He had been neglected by his mother at a young age. Locked in a bedroom for hours on end with no food or water. Made to steal clothes so she could look good and had witnessed his mum prostituting herself from their family home.
It was horrendous and all I ever wanted to do was give Toby my love. I felt as though I could make a difference. His comfort had been drugs though. He was a regular weed smoker and often did cocaine.

With my own mental health problems and Toby's disturbed past and current drug addiction you could say it surely was an obvious recipe for disaster. Nothing could ever prepare me though for what was yet to come.

[clear blue sky]

I could relate to Toby in some respects but not to such a severe extent.
My real father had left when I was two years old and this had caused me to become part of a step family. When my mum married her partner, I gained two step brothers. Both which abused me in different ways.

Every weekend they would stay and I was subsequently attacked.

Waking up in bed I could hear giggling outside my bedroom door, I knew what was about to happen and hid under my covers trying to protect myself.
My door flung open and I was getting bombed by wet soggy toilet paper being launched across my room.

"YEA, you little bitch have some of that!!" My brother had such an evil streak.
It was the summer months that were worse. Mum would get the paddling pool out and he would chase me around the garden with a wet towel hitting me across the back of my legs. It hurt a lot.
I think the worst memory was on our family summer holiday in Spain.
I was unable to swim and my brother knew that.
One evening he just picked me up and literally chucked me in the deep end of the pool. This was not in a playful way, the boy had real issues.
Consequently I nearly drowned.

I think a lot of these problems to some extent caused a huge amount of pressure on my mum’s marriage. She was always trying to protect me. My step dad was always trying to protect his son. Why? I’ll never know.
I do believe a lot of what happened caused mums breakdowns to some extent.

Anyway Now I was 17 and I had met Toby all I wanted to do was move out and create my own little home. I was desperate and eager to become independent. I loved my mum to bits but the excitement of having a little place of my own was so strong it was all I wanted.

[clear blue sky]

Liam (Toby nickname) and I were both very happy when we found our first little flat. I loved it. Everything was going well and I really enjoyed the housewife role. Loved all the cooking and cleaning and hosting dinner parties. I was still just 17 but felt 30.

Lying in bed one night it all went very wrong.

"Why don't you bother looking nice anymore?" Toby asked me.
"err WHAT?" I was really shocked when he said this and suddenly felt very very unattractive.
"Well you used to make a lot more of an effort and now you don't" He had a different tone to his voice that I hadn't heard before.
"What do you mean?" "What’s wrong with the way I look?"
"I just think you should wear more make-up" he replied.

That was it I was very very angry and showed my anger through sarcasm. I jumped out of bed found my make-up bag and started plastering my face in ridiculous amounts of make-up.
I was so hurt. Fighting back the tears I smothered my lips in bright red lipstick and suffocated my eyes in an array of random eye-shadow colours.
"Is this what you want??"
"Do I look pretty now??"

I looked at myself in the mirror and was just about to burst out laughing
at my reflecting clown face when Liam jumped out of bed, grabbed me around the waist and threw me across our bedroom floor. I landed onto a glass money bottle and it smashed underneath me. I guess that was the very moment my heart smashed to pieces.

Silent.
I was face down staring at the carpet and became aware of my fast heartbeat. My hands were shaking and I felt too scared to move. I didn't actually think I had the strength to even attempt to move. So I just stayed there.
Liam stared at me with hatred in his eyes before running away and locking himself in the bathroom.

He cried for over two hours and I suddenly lost all my anger and just felt for him. That was my fault, I shouldn't have gone that mad, I was acting crazy, no wonder he lost it.
All I wanted was to cuddle him. Yes I wanted to be close to the man who had just assaulted me. I just remember feeling so guilty.

When he eventually appeared from the bathroom he was filled with remorse and looked so sad.

"I’m so so sorry," "I should never ever have hurt you like that".

"You just made me so angry", "you really know how to push my buttons don’t you".

"I’m so sorry" I felt so much more guilt now I could see his face and how distraught he looked.

It was all forgotten and we were back on track. In my mind I knew what he did wasn't right but in my heart I could forgive him.
From that night it was never the same and any small argument seemed to end in me getting kicked or punched.

People who have never been in violent relationships will always ask that famous question "why do you put up with it?"

I guess my reply would be that he made me feel so low and so weak and small over time that he stripped all my confidence, and made me feel as if I needed him, just as much as I need air to survive.

My family and friends understandably hated Liam. I was always very protective of him.

The day he left me the first time was awful I was showing signs of depression and had some of my funny hallucinations back. I was under a lot of stress and it all got too much. After another regular fight ending in me being hit by a flying draw. I got in the shower and hid. It was the only time I really felt safe in that house as I knew there was a lock on the door.

Washing my hair I suddenly could hear the front door slam. I jumped out the shower and looked around for Liam, he was gone and seeing an empty wardrobe his clothes had to.

I was petrified, in the house on my own with the thought that he had just left. I could have easily drowned in my own strong emotions. With a cloudy head and racing heart I vaguely remember the next part.

It started with me opening the front door, and running after him down the road with nothing on!! Yep nothing.
If you are reading this and were one of my neighbours at that time I’d like to apologise now.
And that was that. I can’t remember much more but I know I was without Liam and absolutely devastated. And absolutely crazy for running up the road without my clothes on.
I was rescued by a cousin who collected me from the house and dropped me to my mum. Back to the therapist I went.

Liam soon came back and I soon accepted him back (I was obviously still crazy). We had given notice on the flat (or my mum had on behalf of my nutty self). So when we got back together it was for me to live at my mums, Liam lived with his Nan.

We went back to dating and it was fun and exciting, I got stronger and stronger and it was good again.

Problems occurred between my mum and me when I dropped out of college and we began arguing all the time I was a nightmare to her. I don't know why. Maybe I was letting out my frustration. It got bad and she finally asked me to leave the house. Mum had contacted my real dad and requested for me to move in with him.

That’s what happened, my dad’s sofa became my bed and I learned the hard way how bad I had been to my mum. I saw Liam as much as I could as well as working in a care home and seeing my friends time seemed to fly. I missed my mum so much, it hurt like hell. My dad never really new me so it was always awkward I felt like a lodger rather than his daughter.

Sure enough me and Liam began to have problems again, he left again and this time I had never felt so alone in all my life until I discovered I was pregnant

[Loubeelou]

Wow CBS, I am really enjoying reading these. You have a natural talent for writing hey?
I find it really theraputic to write too.

Look forward to the rest

[kate89]

mee too this is really interesting hun an you have a real talent at writing have you ever thought about writing a book?

[clear blue sky]

So I was now pregnant living on my dad’s sofa with no mum and no Liam.

I was scared, confused, alone and desperate. So what did I do??

I got dressed up, called my friends and went out clubbing. Just dancing seemed to ease the pain. For that night I put the fact that I was pregnant to the bottom of my soul and buried in with drink after drink after drink. Vodka, Malibu, brandy, shots you name it I had it. I spent the night chain smoking and just being 18 years old.

That is the biggest regret of my life how could I act in that way when I had a little new life inside me? It was and still is to this day very shameful. I don't think I will ever forgive myself for it.

By the end of the night I was so squiffed I couldn't see a thing. Walking through the town centre with friends I decided I needed to pee.
So up came the skirt and in front of everyone, I did my business.
To everyone else it was hilarious, but to me I am now so ashamed I did that. What a lout I was.
Jeremy Kyle would have had a field day with me. I can just hear him now.

"you did what?, you selfish selfish woman, you disgust me. Get off my stage!!"

The days that followed I didn't leave the house much and just felt so sad and numb. I knew I needed to tell Liam about the pregnancy.

I got myself on a bus and headed for his Nan’s house.
What if he doesn't believe me?? What if he doesn't want to know?? Oh god go home, just go home.
Only I didn't and the next thing I knew I was knocking on the front door.


"hello mate, sorry love he doesn't want to speak to you" I was greeted by his granddad.
"I am really sorry to bother you, but I really need to speak to him. It’s very important."
His granddad vanished and shut the porch door. I could hear him shout out to Liam. He reappeared shaking his head.
"I’m really sorry my sweet he just won’t come, maybe you should go home, I’m sure he will call soon".
"No. sorry I’m not doing that, can you just let him know I will be sat here until he comes to see me."

That was the moment I became some kind of freaky stalker woman.
I sat myself down on the kerb and I waited.
I waited some more.
I sat.
I waited longer.
I sat longer.
I could see the curtain twitching about the time It began to get dark.
Beeps beep beep. It was my phone. Message from Liam that read -
Go home, you mad bitch or I will call the police!
WHAT?? What a bloody cheek he has. He takes class A drugs and abuses women yet HE is going to call the police about ME?? NO NO NO!!!!! GGGGRRRR. god he made my blood boil!!

I was so angry I just replied "IM PREGNANT"

He then came storming out of the house calling me all the names under the sun. I was a liar (suspicions confirmed) and he didn't want to know (suspicions confirmed).
He walked back in and slammed the door before I had a chance to say anything.
I was left broken into pieces, I cried so much I could have filled the Amazon.
I just want my mum, I want my mum. I looked down at my mobile to ring her and saw that my battery had died. It had probably picked up on all the hurt I was feeling and had just crashed.
I made my way to the nearest phone box and found a few 5p's. It was just enough to get through to her.

"Mum???" I was sobbing like a baby; I'm surprised she could make out a word I was saying. "Mum??"

"YES? What is going on? Why are you not with your dad?"
"Mum please can I come home, please, I'm sorry, I love you, and I just want to come home. Pllllease??"
My mum sounded very harsh with her voice and without any emotion just replied "NO".
It was as simple as that "go back to your dads I am ringing him now"
She hung up the phone.

I had no more money left to ring anyone else; I had no strength left either. I felt emotionally exhausted and looking out the phone box was fixed on the fast cars driving by. I have to end it. I could run out in front of anyone of those cars and I’ll be gone. I won’t have to live with this pain anymore. It will be over.

I left the phone box and got closer and closer to the road. The sounds of the cars whizzing by getting louder and louder. Could I really do this? I have to there is no other way out.
I was eyeing up the cars looking to pick which one would end my life. It suddenly dawned on me that this was not only going to affect my family and friends but it would affect the driver. Even if I did just run out, I wouldn't want that on anyone's conscious. They are all the innocents.
Then I thought about the conversation I had had with Liam his harsh comment running
Over and over in my head. The conversation with mum and her one word answer in the search of my peace NO NO NO NO, You Mental bitch, You liar, Ring your dad, No NO. I want nothing to do with a baby especially with a fat cow like you, you liar!!!!!!

A baby?? I stopped myself from stepping into the road. It was like I had forgotten I was pregnant.
I can’t do this, I'm pregnant, and I’m going to be a mum. I suddenly felt full of strength. I walked to the nearest garage and asked to use the phone. I must have looked very very distressed as the lady came from around the counter made me sit down; I explained what had happened as much As I could.
I was very open for a suicidal person.

Just to mention people there are some VERY VERY kind people out there. The lady gave me five things that night.

1. A cup of tea
2. Use of her phone
3. A sticky bun
4. A great big hug
5. And restored my trust in the love of mankind.
She also told me to ring the person who would always be there. So I called my best friend who picked me up and took me to her house. That is where I ended up living for a time.
My head hit the pillow that night and I rubbed my pregnant tummy.

"I think you saved my life I whispered".

[clear blue sky]

Thank you both very much. I really appreciate your comments. It is very therapeutic. I have been wanting for years to let this all out. Somehow If I let It all out I think I will finally be able to move on. I'm glad It is also a good read in your opinions. That is great to hear because I have always wanted to publish a book or two .

Thank you again. I'm hoping to post a bit more every day .

xxxxxxxxxxx

[lizzie29]

I was going to say the same! So sorry to hear the horrible times you've gone through, but you really are very good at writing. If you've always wanted to write a book, then go for it!

[clear blue sky]

I was living at my friend’s house. Everything was so much clearer. It was as If someone had just switched the light on.
I was determined to feel better for the sake of my baby.

I realised how much stress and heartache Liam had brought me over the 2 years and was sure that was the end of us.
I went shopping and brought a cute little baby set with a hat. The material was so soft and when I got home that night, I spent a great deal of time just gazing at it, smiling.

I was thinking back on all the times I had felt safe and comforted In my life. These Times always involved my wonderful grandparents who I was very close to.
As a single mum for a time my mum had gone back to work to financially support us and I was left in the care of my grandparents.
What magical times we had. They were the perfect pair, giving me so many beautiful memories.

Granddad was always in the garden. He could turn the most over grown, run down lawn into a paradise. It was so neat and with all the colourful flowers everywhere It was the most peaceful place for me to paint.
Nan would set me up at a table in the summer days and I would paint for hours.
It was a meeting place for all the family on Sunday. The young cousins would play while our parents sat and chatted. We had fresh lemonade as we sat on the garden swing and soaked up the sun.
The smells were supreme. That lemonade filled your nose with a zesty breeze. It smelt so fresh and alive. The red tomatoes gave the sweetest blast when we skipped passed the greenhouse.
The flowers with their own unique aromas were a powerful scent that seemed to dance around in the air.
Not forgetting the smells of Nan’s roast lamb that made your tummy churn with delight!

She was an amazing cook. I remember the times I would help her prepare a cottage pie. Putting the meat through a mincer. She would often bake with me to. And yes I always got to lick the spoon.

I have no doubt that is where I got my love of cooking from.

Granddad was also very keen for a laugh. He loved a drink and good knees up. Mum told me that on holiday once when she was in her late 20's she was going out clubbing with her friend. Granddad insisted on tagging along and danced the night away. He ended up attracting a lot of young beautiful women who felt he was the life and soul.
Nan was always his one love though.

She was a warm, kind hearted funny lady with an infectious laugh. She was so homely you always felt so safe with her.
She loved a bit of acting and was on stage in productions a numerous amount of times and was a superb actress.
I remember at Halloween once she brought herself a hideous mask and when the doorbell began ringing, each time she would open it, letting out a shriek and frightening all the kids away.

For a laugh she put a ladder up to the side of their house when granddad was going to have a bath. She climbed up the ladder to the bathroom window and hosed him down with freezing cold water. The silly woman got so wrapped up in the moment she forgot she was on a ladder and started to run away from a not so happy granddad.
She ran off the ladder and broke a leg!!!!!

And they were my darling grandparents.

I was devastated when my granddad passed away. It was just before I met Liam.

Here is the poem I wrote and read out at his funeral.

There once was a man who walked this earth,
He gave so much joy from the day of his birth.
His heart and soul a shining gold,
Through hard times he would stand so bold.

He loved a drink and he would always sing,
His prized garden being his favourite thing .

Standing in the summers breeze,
surrounded by his colourful pansies.
This man was the root of such a beautiful tree,
For him and his wife made a family.

A family that is forever growing,
And for this I know we all must owe him.

I held his hand, still so strong,
This one moment I try to prolong.
As he slipped away into a peaceful sleep,
I think of this man and begin to weep.

I love you, is all I say.
I let go of his hand, I walk away.
In my heart I feel a glow,
Telling me not to be so low.
For this man lives on.
Apart of him lives in me,
And all the members of our family tree.

The rest of him lives amongst his flowers,
Beneath the hot Sun he will stand for hours.
Watering his plants, watching them grow,
Reds,purples,blue's and some yellow.

I am so thankful to have known such a man,
A good man,
Never bad.
For you are the world’s greatest granddad.


As I snuggled down into bed that night I felt the best I had in ages. My babies little outfit hanging up on the door.

Drifting into a sleep I saw my granddad standing there in a bed of flowers.
I could just make out his smiling face through the clouds of my dream.
The clouds cleared by rays of powerful sunlight and I could see him clearer and clearer. That silly farmer’s hat he always wore made me smile.
I tried to talk to him, but my words wouldn't come out.
It was a few moments later when I realised he was holding something.
What is that?? I looked closer and his smile beamed even more.
He was holding a pink blanket. He was holding a baby.

It was all gone and I woke, it was morning. I felt warm inside. I stretched and looked at the time. I Then realised I was bleeding. A lot. Horror filled me.
I was taken to hospital by my friend. Liam did appear to.

I lost my baby at 11 weeks pregnant. It seemed unfair that she should save my life never to start hers.