Fear of my partner dying

[skategirl_8]

Hi all,
I'm new here.
I haven't actually been diagnosed with OCD but am a psychology lecturer, so know a lot about it and am 100% sure I have it (defo not the white coat syndrome talking either!)

I had a huge phobia of illness and germs as a child, to the extent that I missed school a lot as I'd shake and cry and need to come home. My Mum had to open bathroom windows to let the "toilet germs" fly out for 10 mins before I'd go in there. I couldn't drink all the way to the bottom of the glass as there were germs in the bottom.

I wouldn't eat cooked food for a while as it had "germs" in it, and I used to do compulsive rituals such as throwing a tennis ball against a wall 100 times before I could go to bed, or playing a computer game until I got a certain score. If I didn't achieve it, I had to start again - no exceptions. I'd be up until stupid o clock some days, with my Mum begging me to get to sleep.

I feel like I mellowed out for a while, and somehow just became more "normal" when I hit my late teens.

But lately, things have taken a nosedive downwards and I don't know where to start?

Basically, I have a new partner (I'm in a gay relationship). The only girl I have ever truly loved. I am 32 now and she is my life. She's amazing! The only thing is that she has brittle asthma and each day I live in fear of her dying. I've stayed at hers, or her at mine, practically every day since we started dating. The one day I didn't, she had a huge asthma attack in the morning and ended up in hospital. I hated getting that phonecall, the worst thing ever...

Now I have gone back to my compulsions to "stop" her having an asthma attack. I can't not sleep next to her, because I worry it will make her have an asthma attack if I don't. I google statistics on deaths from asthma obsessively, and new treatments, to the point it's affecting my work.

I torture myself with the fact that if I don't check my phone every few minutes, that it'd be my fault if she needed me to call an ambulance and couldn't talk cos of not breathing, and she died because I didn't check my phone....

I have to say "kenahara" or "twoee twoee twoee" after everything, even something such as her saying "I'll see you later", in case she doesn't get to see me if she dies first, so saying those things will stop that happening.

The thought of these asthma attacks is making my life unbearable. Anxious, tearful, shaky....

We do a sport together and I can't focus or concentrate as I am so scared of her having an attack...

And I can't talk to her about it as she'll be worried and upset FOR me, which could make her stressed and then more prone to an attack....

I just don't know where to start with getting help.

Thanks for listening.

---------- Post added at 23:10 ---------- Previous post was at 22:39 ----------

Oh yeah, and also forgot to say that I have started doing this weird tic, not sure if that is related to OCD? I used to have to shrug my left shoulder down until it felt right, but grew out of that one - now I have to make a little clicking noise in my throat, and do a weird throaty breathing noise - people keep asking me if I have a cold. Frustrated! But feels like I can't breathe properly unless I do it :(

[cheryl foster]

hi. i use to be the same as a kid and still am..i dont let anyone cook meat in my house as i think theyll leave germs in the kitchen..i spray lots of dettol about the place..i am constantly worrying about germs.. and i have a 10 month old baby, who im constantly thinking will catch germs.. my husband travels on the underground and im forever thinking of terrorist attacks..im convinced he will be caught in a bomb one day..its horrible to constantly worry. if you ever want a chat, inbox me.

[Stormsky]

yes sounds like OCD to me... performing rituals in the irrational belief it will stop a disaster...
You shoud have a chat with your GP if you havent already...try and nip it in the bud, before it consumes too much of your life...
I do the same with my hubby-who drives all over the country... i have to say 'take care driving' just before he leaves the house... if he goes without me seeing him off, i call him and say it (although i dont like calling him when hes driving either) Ive always said this to him, just started as a general thing, but because ive always done it, I feel the one time i dont say it, will be the one time something happens!

[amanda*43]

We could all be happy with our lives,,family and partners if we weren't all worried to death!! It's such a shame. If I could have one wish it would be for everyone to have peace of mind. How great would that be