I've been anxious for a few days - I've been doing very well otherwise. My project was floating at uni - everyone else seems to have something solid to design, like a catapult or a shop or something. I didn't know what to design and I didn't want to design a toolkit, as my tutor suggested, because I don't think I could make it well.
So I hit on an idea, with a way of showing it - a video diary framework for people to track their well-being through, and it could be done in a website format. I really wanted my tutor to like it - finally I felt I had something to hold on to that could really be designed rather than something intangible.
I told her about it and she reacted very badly. She was terribly negative, criticised every element of it, nothing positive was said. I backed up my idea saying that there wasn't anything else like it, I've looked hard on Google - but she still said it feels like it's been done! I know it hasn't been done. She just doesn't want me to do a website. It's not fair, everyone else has something to hold on to and I've been pushed back into the dark.
Despite all the negative things she said, the idea remains pretty much with the same aim and the same result, she just suggested a different route of delivery. I'm fine with that - what I'm not fine with is that she made it all sound wrong, like I'm doing the wrong thing, and I need to have confidence in my work - and that was the last tutorial for a month. So much can change in a week. I don't know how I can cope. I'm not coping - I left uni halfway through the day to come home and cry.
I really needed her to support me and it doesn't feel as though she has. I know that what she is doing is pushing me further so that I will do the best project I possibly can do. But it's so hard.
I'm sick of being a superhero! I'm sick of that bloody decrepit building and I'm sick of not knowing what I'm allowed to do. One moment I can do a toolkit, the next, I can design a framework but I'm not allowed to say whether it's a website, book, or cards of something. She's making me do it the hard way. As soon as I get excited and happy about an idea - boom. It's not right. And that rule was probably made up on the spot.
But maybe if I were a lesser student she would have encouraged me to do it just as a website and not question it. Or maybe she was just feeling bitchy this morning. She was late for our appointment by 20 mins. I need my work to be straightforward now and she's just made it way complicated again.
It's times like these that I want uni to just be over with.
Thanks for being my portal for depressed/anxious rants.