WHY I HATE ME!!!!!

[hurtssomuch]

If I transpose my reality into something tangible, show you the collective fabrics that weave the tapestry of what is my life, the when, where, how, and why, what you would see is a tattered cloth, very aged, and very wore by misuse, unclean and stained by the past, with no more then patch work repairs meant only to sustain its integrity, though rough and hardened by years of abrasive motions, and here and there the occasional weft hangs limp and lucid, and its once soft virgin wool is now corpse like in texture, then discarded for the shear repugnant odors that emanate from the now sallow rags, used beyond the point of having any remaining value, if you can comprehend the uselessness I feel, the exasperated folly that’s is my life, then your eyes have opened to a reflection in a mirror that casts an image of me, when I am not there, for I am but a reflection of all of you, in a mirror you can not see.



I have been hurt beyond anything I have ever had to deal with, I am surrounded by people who call me friend, people who care what becomes of me, of my health and well being, and I push them aside as if they didn’t exist, for a feeling in my heart, I take much pride in learning who I am, and what makes me do the things I do, but my understanding into this has me confounded, I have allot of soul searching to do, how is it I can give up everything I have worked so hard for, and not give any thought to what might happen if something, anything should go wrong, all for a feeling,

What in me needs so bad to feel loved, and wanted, why can I not feel whole and complete when I am not trying to make another feel the same way, how does giving what I lack, fulfill the same need within me,

When I think of all the diagnostic theories I have read, all the self-depravating behaviors I have over come, the flashbacks, the nightmares, the dark depression that hits so deep it causes my body to ache, when I can feel the utter futility of getting out of bed to face another day, but I do it anyway, hoping some day that even if my own perverse self deluded persona cant change, that I can find a women to truly except me for who and what I am,

A loving, talented, giving, man, who has a need to please others, and with sincerity make a women feel so loved and adored,

When I love there is no one else in the world to me, other people only become vessels in my goals to please her,

What is it they say “” A fool in love, is the biggest fool of them all “”

Well I am the jester of broken hearts,






the tears i cry will forever be in vein

[eeyorelover]

Hi Ed -
Everytime I read something you write - even when it's a post and not poetry I think of how gifted you are!! You are soulful, insightful, and have the heart of a poet no matter what it is you are writing!!!!
You ARE a loving giving person, Ed and all I can say is that I hope you do find that special someone you are looking for!! You truely deserve that !!!!
xxx
Sandy

[Wenjoy]

What alovely poetic post - you are a lovely incredibly sensitive person so stop beating yourself up and BELIEVE in yourself!! Good luck love wenjoy x

[wobily_lin]

Hi Ed,

Well I have to agree with the posts above me. Ed you are so talented. You are a passionate caring person hun. Be kind to yourself. You deserve some happiness.

Thinking of you.
((((((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs and kisses)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Take care,

Lin.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[Daisybun]

Wow Ed, that was so moving, you really do have a gift. i too hope you find that special someone with whom you can share. You really deserve it

Take care
Daisybun

'This too will pass'

[Meggy]

ZOWEE! I'm still up because of nightmares. I've never read anything of yours Ed, happened upon this gorgeous poetry (or is it prose?) and really? I'm thinking now I can go to sleep without all the demons cascading into my sleep, you soothed me. What a gift. I can barely write in English and never see my typos because of a head injury and you write THAT well? I had to CHEAT in college and pay someone to write my poems in English when we had that section. I have no ability to write as you do.

I read once, I don't know where now, that it's more important to have someone to love, than to be loved. That hit me very wrong, actually. I kept re-reading it thinking I read it wrong. But since I've lived it? Yes, I think that's right and I wonder if that's what you're saying too. I've also read, whether this is right or wrong, that when you're ready to fall in love? You find someone. That happened to me. Whether it's true? I believe it is, but I don't know that either.

The only thing I can relate to what you saidm in my life, is that I used to attract people. I was a friends magnet I used to think. Was realy a problem for me - until I got epilepsy. Once I did I might as well call it rabies. People avoid me or treat me ultra polite, and keep a distance. It's not catching! Sometimes I feel like telling some people it is contagious than sneezing real big in their face, just to be mean. All I'm saying is that friends became acquaintances. We moved to a new place and the only people who are "friends" are frankly people who can't make friends with others. That sounds and is nasty, but it's just the truth. I'm still trying very hard but most of us have relationship problems. I do since I was diagnosed with this in my marriage, many relationships and it's extremely painful. I can't hide what I do, who I am and refuse to anyway.

I am married. It's my second, it's never been a reliably joyful marriage and right now it's a horrid marriage. I personally can't romanticize love relationships. They can be deceptive, tricky and painful. They can be the opposite I'm sure too. I no longer would take the chance after two strike outs. I know that doesn't solve your yearning though. You seem like such a lovely person. Do you get out? Have places you go to meet new people? I found those very hard to find between marriages when all I wanted to do was date - not marry again.

Thank you for such a beautiful poem (or prose?). I'll try to sleep now.

Meggy

[manmoor]

Hi Ed,

You are such a talented person. You are such a lovely, kind and caring man. Dont put yourself down Ed.

Take Care

Mandy

xxxxxxxxxx

[hurtssomuch]

thank you all,

my whole life words have been my only true friend, and the harmony they give to the emotions and feelings i harbor, allow me to share those with others, in a way that lets the pain and agony be transposed into a thing of beauty, and i have to say it is the one part of myself i do love.

i had found a women to love, and your right meggy, i am saying its more important to have someone to love then be loved, i tend to be attracted to women that are in the same boat im in, that dont feel loved or wanted, and i always thought we could ease eachothers lonily heart,

i was in a long distance reationship, very long distance, and we hurt eachother, allot, and i own up to my half of the conflict, but i have to say for the last month my feelings have been some what guarded, but i am who i am and that soon passed, i again found myself whole heartingly ready to close my eyes, and jump into the arms of someone that said they loved me, someone i loved very very much,

but i am such a fool, and i mean that will every breath that leaves my body, having learned so much about what makes me tick, and in this i have also gained an insight into others as well, human behavor isnt so much an area that can be taught, though you much do the reaserch of the thoeries, it is a self awareness that allows you to know what applies to the behavors of others,

and in the realationships i find myself in, i know i can bring in something thats missing in the other person, i dont want to hurt anyone, thats never been my intention, so the least i say the better, but this women was agoraphobic, as i once was, and thuough i no this does not apply to everyone, what helped me get over my agoraphobia was a women, a healthy realationship, a loving home, and she imbedded in me a sence of ambition i never had before,

i wanted to get better not only for me, but for her, and for us, and she took me each step of the way through this, that intertwind with the knowlage i had into my illness, helped me to over come it enough, that today i still an able to go most places without panic, i still have a fear of very large biuldings, and very crouded places, but i have foubnd that if i have love with me, a hand to hold of someone that makes me feel safe, i can usually handle the feelings that well up inside me,

i was hoping to be this to her, to teach her what i knew, now i am not trying to say that love is the cure for agoraphobia, far from it, but CBT, theropy, medication, i can say for me none of these are for sure, when the person trying to help you with you illness doesnt have it, how can they have any uinderstanding into what its like, its like in chat, when a person comes in with a panic attack, and asks for help, you all know what to do, how to resopnd, well add to that the loving arms that come from the person you love, a comforting kiss on the forhead, the stroke of your hair, how much sooner do you think the panic will end,

as i said it may not work for everyone, but if you love as deeply as i do, a touch can ease a storm of tears, a simple word can calm my heart, and two arms can bring on a feeling of security only felt by a baby in its mothers arms, people tend to have more faith in the ones they love, so what better theropy can be given if not by the one you have given your heart over to 100%, thats what i had to offer, thats what was given to me,

but that doesnt change the fact i am here, alone, hurting again, so desperate to find a women to share the greatest feeling in the world with, to wrap my loving arms around her and shield her from any and all, all i want is to someday die knowing i have made one women happy, that i was the best i could be for her, that no other man ( or women) could have been to her what i was, and for this she loved me to, if i could have that, i would die a very happy man someday,

till then, i am still the jester of broken hearts,
and it hurts so much

the tears i cry will forever be in vein

[hurtssomuch]

IS IT TO MUCH TO ASK?

so so sad this life i live,
when all i ask is what i give,
two arms to hold me,
throught out the night,
two eyes to meet mine,
at first mornings light,
two lips to kiss mine,
and say i do,
and echo the words,
i to love you.


am i asking for to much?

the tears i cry will forever be in vein

[Southern_Belle]

Ed,

Wow, what can I say? You will find her I know you will, give it time. You have so much love to give - she is out there...

Bel

"Our thoughts are our reality"