Anxiety is ruining my life

[ailsajayne26]

Hi, I just read your post and think that you should go the gp and TELL them you want to be referred for Cognitive behavioural therapy, It deals with ways to stop negative thoughts or talk yourself round from them!

I had very bad anxiety but did not want to take any meds for it, and i had one course of CBT and am pretty much fine, and that included dealing with my ex ending our relationship which i found extrememly difficult.
Also with CBT you can get the opportunity to talk about why you are having these thoughts, I also had PTSD and have self esteem problems too so being able to talk to someone else really helped with that too! I now find it easier to not think everyone is going to leave me and everyone secretly hates me etc etc....

I really hope this helps!! and Im glad you have such a supportive bf!! xx

[goingmadder]

Hi all,

I'm sorry you are all experiencing these horrible feelings but in the same light I am gald to know Im not the only one... I honestly spent the last 12 years convinced Im crazy...

I've just started a relationship with a wonderful man.. Its still early days but for the fist time in many many years I felt a rush of emotion for him. We just clicked soo perfectly. he is everything I could ever want, we have so much in common and in no time at all we're both convinced this is it for us..no more looking for Mr or Miss Right cos we've found eachother... Everything has been going great until suddenly my arch nemesis Anxiety reared his ugly head and is trying to destroy everything...

Every relationship i have had since i was 17 when this first started has inevitable been destroyed by my manxiety..

The sudden sick feeling, palpatation, difficulty breathing and the terrible questioning... the constant thinking... feels like I am trying to convince myself of negative things.. When I have tried in the past to tell myself im being irrational I quickly folow that with Im making excuses for myself, I am just a horrible B**** and I just dont have the ability to love. I berate myself and punish myself and go round in the most vicious of circles. Even now the thought of accepting that "its not that I dont love him, its that i have an anxiety problem" feels like a total lie, like im making it up so that it's not my fault.

I am so so sick of anxiety ruining my life... All I want is to be happy..

In the seconds or minutes when the anxiety subsides I feel calm and think of him and know i love him and i want to be with him and experience our lives together... but then the anxiety takes grip and I fear hurting him, i feel like my whole life is a lie... The anxiety in its time has caused me to feel like that even about my friends and children so I guess in a sense thats proof enough that it is anxiety and not me being a nasty horrible person.

Right now I just wanna break down and cry Im so sick of losing great love and great opportunity because of the anxiety...

I just want it to end.. I have suffered anxiety/depression since I was 17 and when it hit me it was sudden like a snap of the fingers... it destroyed my life one thought at a time...i spiraled into depression.. i tried to get help abut didnt suceed.

Even the traumatic events of childhood feel like a lame excuse for being such a messed up person.. I was sexually abused for years but it never really phased me as a child as I thought it was totally normal and so never really quesitoned it... as i got older and even in recent therapy a few months ago I felt liek i was using it as an excuse and that the fact that is didnt phase me back then meant in a way it was my own fault.

I jsut want thsi to stop before I lose him... he says he's not going anywhere and we'll work through whatever troubles we run into but thats not fair on him either!...

I dont want to take meds, thats always been a no no to me like a total cop out... there must be a way to stop being soooo NUTS!! Please please help!

Peace and love

X

[junebug9]

The reason I joined this website was because of my frantic searches on google about the same situation all of you are in. I can't begin to explain how badly I'd like to get better and just be happy with my boyfriend just how I was just over a month ago! My boyfriend is PERFECT for me. We are PERFECT for each other. There is NOTHING wrong with us at all. I'd love to talk to anyone who is going through the same thing, or those of you who have been through it and have overcome it. I'm in complete agony every day of my life, and it's terrible. It's ripping my life apart.

[SarahP]

I can't believe this, this is the way my anxiety has manifested itself for the past two years. Constantly doubting how I feel about my boyfriend, and feeling really guilty as he's such a lovely person. In the end I broke up with him two days ago, as I've realised that even if the problem isn't my relationship, I need to find out how to get better as a 'me' before I can be part of an 'us' again.

I'm seeing my counsellor tomorrow, am hoping she can help me through some of these confusing feelings and help me become more independent, as in the end I was totally dependent on him, which I knew wasn't healthy.

My only advice to you guys would be: make sure you take time to build yourselves up on your own, as anxiety and depression hit when we feel inadequate or something, and you can't be in a healthy relationship until you're happy with yourself. tha doesn't mean the relationship has to go, just that we have to learn to focus on ourselves!!

Much love and support

Sarah xx

[lady]

totally agree i split up with my man four weeks ago i need to get myself better and he didnt understand my anxiety.wierd thing is after two years together iam not even bothered to walk away which shows me i need to focus on me no head space for relationship just now

[Jacks21]

Hi all

I'm going crazy atm trying to figure out why i left my first serious boyfriend. it's been a year and i miss him incredibly.
I'm SO confused over what actually happened!!! when we first got together when we were 16, out of nowhere i felt like i was going to die! i started being sick all the time, even in public places!! was awful. the doctors thought i had anorexia as i couldn't eat and only felt fear with food.
after much counselling i realise what i had/have sometimes now is social anxiety.
Thing is though by ex boyfriend stuck by me for over 2 yrs before i decided to end it. i don't even know why i ended it. we went to uni (different uni's) and for once in my life i didnt feel anxious. i made friends easily and had fun. when i went to see my ex i felt a flood of dread and anxiety over me. in short, i think i just thought 'f**k it' lol.
after about a couple of months i was so wrenched in regret and guilt for ending it with such a lovely person, i asked him back. he said yes. we tried again for another 2 yrs before ME ending it again last year.
My friends just think we grew apart. and 2bh that's probably true to some extent... but then the voices come... "it's all YOUR fault" .."you FREAK"... i can't help thinking what if i was didnt suffer from the anxiety, how would things have been. it's not so much the anxiety that interrupted our relationship, but the constant negative thoughts id have about him. i was so critical and judgemental, projecting my worries onto him. i was obsessed with how quiet he was (and yes he was a bit) but it was like i blew it out of proportion.
i feel SO guilty now. also, depressed as i know he wont take me back now.



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[Joellie]

Oh my God, You guys have no idea how this has helped me. The last month ive been convincing myself that im crazy and that there is something wrong with me. Ive had feelings that I will always be like this and i will never be happy with anyone ever!

I have the best boyfriend ever, Nick, who ive been with for 4 years and 4 months, weve been together since i was 14 and he was 18 and weve survived 3 years of long distance university and it seems to me that in the last month ive convinced myself that im going to ruin it all. I love him so much, I used to think about marriage and kids all the time but this has hit me hard and now im at a loss as to what is going on in my head.

I worry about him, us, other things too but this thread is related directly to the "us" and "him" part. Im scared that he will leave me because of how im feeling, because he will think i dont love him, I do love him and i dont have any plans to leave him! But i get the "what if's" i think what if i end up like my parents and we get married and either of us do what my dad did and have an affair. I would obviously not ever want this to happen on both parties i wouldnt want to be cheated on or to cheat on nick I like to tell him everything i feel and if i ever was unhappy enough to do that he would know, i always want to be honest with him.

As well as the what ifs i doubt things that arent even there. Im not sure what it is im doubting. Il think about when we first met and i get a clawing pain in me that makes me want to cry, i think about seeing him next weekend and worry im going to ruin the weekend if i get this feeling again while hes down.

Its not just him. I worry about stupid thigns liek christmas! Yes i know, why would that worry me? I have no idea, but earlier i thought about it and i got the horrible feeling. I think about Uni (which im going to start next year i hope) and the horrible feeling springs up. I think about things like "when nicks down im going to be working on the days he is down" and i get the horrible feelign.

I love him so much and i know that i cant expect him to want me forever if im like this because even i wouldnt want me like this forever. I feel liek if i cant resolve this, i never will and then i really cant see the point in being alive. Which again is a wierd thing because i would never kill myself but i do just get the horrible feeling of " i cant stand this forever"

Im going to my gp on wednesday, i phoned him on friday and i told him i thought it was my depression again but after reading this im sure its more anxiety attacks than anything.

Oh im so happy, im really so happy that theres an answer to this, i really thought at one point that i was doubting us as a relationship and it upset me because i didnt want to leave him and i loved him and wanted him to stay with me.

Thanks x

[Coyotebored]

I cant believe that i found this. Word for word, feeling for feeling i am going through the same thing as rosebud. It makes me feel so much better to know that I am not crazy and the only person that feels that way. I am so scared I am pushing my bf away. I just asked for a break to work on myself but I am scared the damage is done. Of course that is most likely my anxiety but it gets hard to differentiate sometimes. I want to send that post to him so he will know that it isnt just me but I dont know if that would be a mistake. maybe pushing too much. LOL anxiety is such fun! Hang in there! It will be okay.

[ellakaren]

Hi all,
i have just joined this and hope that it will make me understand why i am feeling this way. I am going through the very same as all of you but this has only happend in the past couple of weeks. It just feels like i woke up one day worrying about my future with my boyfriend and worrying if i move in with him will we work out. Then i worry that am i thinking this way because i dont love him anymore. Of course i do love him and have loved him for the past 6 years. We are the best of friends and we tell each other everything. I have told him the pain i am going through and he is very understanding. I go through phases where i am ok and my heart calms down but thats not too often. I wake up most mornings with my heart racing and stomach is sick. I have headaches from the tension and lately i am finding it hard to eat. My brother suffers from depression and he is on med a long time now so i refuse to go to any doctor to end up like that. Has anyone experienced this and got over it and how long does it take to go away? If i keep feeling like this i will have no choice but to end my wonderful relationship wit my boyfriend as i cant keep putting him through this.

[moomintroll]

i started getting anxiey about a year ago, at the time i did not know what i was, i would have the shakes, feel tearful and have horrible feelings of dread, feel sick and have migraines, i just put it down to problems like stress, i was having problems at home and work and with my boyfriend at the time and ignored it, my symptoms just kept getting worse, i would dread even being out in situations that i would get a bad feeling about and i even stopped drinking and did not want confrontations with people as i was scared what would happen, my boyfriend being drunk would make me worse, i just continued to ignore it and started being off work

things came to a head in may last year when i had an argument and i just could not take anymore, i got so upset and was shaking so much i passed out, my boyfriend at the time had to call an ambulance, which was rather embarrasing, but they were really nice and the first thing they said to me was, how long have you had anxiety and have you been to a doctor about it, i said no as i was too scared, my blood pressure was through the roof and i got such a fright it made me go to the doctors

at the time my work, home life and boyfriend were all making me feel anxious, i would feel sick, have the shakes and at one point was terrified if my phone went off!! and the insomnia was not fun, nor was crying for hours or being too scared to go out

the first doctor i saw in may last year was not the most understanding and would not sign me off and i had to explain to her that being at work was not what i needed at that point as that was one of the causes, she signed me off for a week at the end of which i still felt no better, i saw another doctor who was most helpful and did the questionnaire test with me to see if it was anxiety or depression i had, my anxiety levels were through the roof but i now knew i was not going nuts and knew what was wrong with me, as my anxiety got so bad i was starting to get more phsysical symptoms as well as the ones going on in my head, so i really did think i was going nuts

i would also not eat for days and the constant thoughts going round and round in my head stopped me for sleeping for days as i was too scared to sleep

when i got back to work after a 3 week break they sent me for counselling, which was not a help as all she did was blame my parents for the way i am and despite me trying to talk about other things, she would go back to that, my work is now sending me for cognative behavioural therapy which is quite hard

i have been signed off a number of times in the last year, my work does not help as the people i work with are annoyed i am not well, despite the fact i kick their ass work wise and do 3 times the work they do in a 7 hour day despite having bad days, i get what feels like an interregation everytime i have a bad day or take time off, its all questions like what triggered it etc, i am so tired and frustrated at having to justify myself and explain what is wrong and they still do not understand, my teamleader thought it was depression i had, umm no as i explained for the umpteenth time, i have anxiety and the last bad day i had, i had an anxiety attack for 2 hours, i was in tears and shaking so much i could not hold a cup of water, i had to beg to go home , it as resulted in me having to hide the fact i have anxiety which has made it worse for me, as i am now scared of my work, as they have started to threaten me with discaplinary action etc, i have not been off continuously for months i go to work as much as i can

my boyfriend tries to understand but he is of the its all in your head and get over yourself type, which is hard but he is there for me, my dad is a great help as he suffers from anxiety aswell, my mum tends to ignore the problem and pretends there is nothing wrong with me which makes it hard

the biggest move i made was to get somewhere else to live as my parents were not helping with my anxiety and i could not afford to get somewhere by myself, so i moved into a flatshare

i feel like i am going on a bit here , but it feels good to get things off my chest

the cbt sessions are hard but i am not sure its for me and my insomnia has been so bad the last few weeks i could not take anymore and am at the last stages of trying to fight anymore as the more i try to fight the anxiety, the worse i feel, the doctor gave me a course of diaxepam to take 1 tablet 3 times a day so i could get some sleep, they worked for a whole two days

i think having the shakes scares me sometimes as its very embarrassing. i think the symptoms scare me much more, like not eating, the insomnia, head going round with thoughts or feeling spaced out or having nothing going on in my head, not being able to take anything in or sometimes just not wanting to talk to anybody or do anything, its like having no control, i have other symptoms aswell but they depend on how i am, the worst being feeling like something horrible is going to happen

i even tried to get my work to read some information i had to see if it would help them understand what i am going through, they were not interested in the least, they think they are doing all they can as they are sending me to do cbt, maybe if the folk i worked with understood a bit more they would not treat me differently as that makes me feel worse, i just give up and am going to end up hiding what is wrong with me again which i should not have to do, i have anxiety and i know i am not nuts but people make me feel like i am when they are not even willing to take 5 minutes out to read something

i am trying so hard to get better but the more i try the worse i feel and having the doctor prescribe me diazepam so i could some sleep and feel calm for a few days was the last resort for me as i want to try other stuff first, but having had this for over a year now, i felt at the end of my tether

i better stop or i could go on

if anyone else knows of other stuff to try that would be very helpful