I'm A Liar, And a HORRIBLE person!

[Anxi]

To most of you who read this you probably won't think this is a big deal but i'm not a liar and i haven't lied to my mum since i was a small child and didn't understand what it meant to lie.

But im 18 and i know what lying is now. And i dislike liars, cheaters, stealing.

So i'm a smoker and i think it helps with my depression to smoke.
I am unemployed and don't have money to buy cigarettes. So my mum gave me some money to buy her some cigarettes today and she said i could share them with her because she needed some too. So i go out with my sister and neice to the park and on the way i buy some cigarettes i smoke two from the packet and my sister drops me off at home. I don't think about giving the cigarettes to my mum. I go out with my boyfriend to get his hair cut and i smoke four. When i get home later that night my mum asks for her cigarettes and i LIED to her. I said i must of lost them at the park earlier.

And she knows that if she doesn't have cigarettes i wont have any and she went to bed worried that i'd harm myself tonight. So she gave me two of my dad's cigarettes which are too strong for my chest so i wouldn't smoke them anyway. I only smoke light menthols.

But i lied to her, i swore i didn't have them on me. To my own Mum.
I feel really bad about it i never ever lie to her, or anyone. And i feel really guilty there's only 2 or 3 left in the pack and i thought if i'd give her them she'd be mad at me. I dont have any money to pay her back or get her more.

And now im unsettled and panicking because i don't know why i'm behaving like this, what is wrong with me. I'm always snapping at people and being mean and ungreatful and it feels like i can't help it. Why am i turning into such a bad person.

I dont know if im looking for reassurance because i don't deserve it but i don't know what to do, i know i should tell her the truth but i can't give her back that money or un-smoke those cigarettes.

Oh god.

[BobbyDog]

Anxi,

This is only a packet of cigarettes we are talking about, nobody's life is in danger, you have told a very small white lie, the same as every other person in this world has done at some point in their lives.

Give yourself a break.

You are sooooo not a bad person.

[barbn]

Nope - not a horrible person - if your were horrible you wouldn't care if you had lied! The point is you care - and BobbyDog is right, were not talking like or death here.......do you need to confess? I wouldn't worry to much about it - make note to buy you mom and extra pack someday when you have a little extra money! :-)

[PanchoGoz]

I lie to my mum all the time, it's normal...you are over-reacting. Don't follow these negetive thought cycles. Think it through, you really rean't a bad person.

[Dave238]

yeah, you do deserve reassurance, you told a fairly small lie, and it doesn't in any way make you a bad person. What we do and who we are, they're two separate things. Anyone can do things like that, we're only human after all.
If you feel like it, you could follow some of the suggestions, replace the cigarettes, apologise, or just try not to do it again.
I guess I'm just relating a lot with how you wrote, and want to reassure you you're not a bad person.