Fear of dying - snowballing thoughts

[Sparkle1984]

I've already touched upon this subject in some of my previous posts, but I'd like to explain my feelings in more detail and my thought processes so hopefully someone will be able to help me deal with this.

One of the main themes of my anxiety at the moment is the fear of death and dying. This is how my thought processes typically work:

1. I'll see or read about someone, and then I think about their age.
2. If they are old, this sets me thinking morbid thoughts, eg worrying that the person may die within a few years.
3. Then it sets me off thinking about how I myself am getting older.
4. Then I worry about how I'll feel when I'm older. For example, I think "when I'm in my 70s or 80s will I be constantly worried about dying?" and "will I be able to enjoy myself when I'm old or will I be too worried?" (Here I'm actually worried that I'll be worried when I'm older - ie I'm worrying about worrying!)
5. I then think how sad/disappointed I'll be if I don't get to do everything I wanted to do during my life.
6. I also worry about what happens when someone dies (in the spiritual sense). I do believe in spirits, but being a scientifically-minded person I do sometimes get doubts about it, since it is difficult to believe in something when there's not much concrete evidence. The doubts make me feel worse.
7. When I try to cast these negative morbid thoughts aside or try to forget about them, I then get a nagging feeling saying "doesn't it bother you that you and your loved ones will die one day?" and then the fear starts again.
8. I also sometimes feel guilty about having these morbid thoughts, because it's bad to think about your loved ones dying and yourself dying. It also makes me feel that because I'm so scared of dying, I'm being ungrateful for life. But in reality I am grateful for life and I want to be able to enjoy it without these intrusive negative thoughts.

I think the reason these negative morbid thoughts are so powerful and intrusive is because they scare me so much and they make me feel uncomfortable so it's harder to block them out.


Since this current anxiety episode started about 7 weeks ago, the themes have changed slightly over time. It first started off with me being scared that I'd done something wrong at work and I had an irrational fear that I'd end up losing my job because of it. Then once that was resolved, the anxiety theme changed to being about my parents and older relatives dying. Then once I'd stopped being so scared about that, the theme changed again to being about myself dying. When I went to the doctor's a couple of weeks ago, she said that what I'm doing is an example of catastrophising (snowballing thoughts).



In some ways it feels like if it wasn't this theme, it would be something else. It feels almost as if my mind has to worry about something. The worst thing is, that I'm worrying about something which is inevitable and I know that no amount of worrying about dying can alter the fact that all human beings will eventually die. At least with the other types of anxiety (eg social anxiety), I can avoid them temporarily by keeping myself to myself for a while, whereas fear of dying is something that can't be easily escaped from, if you know what I mean.


Has anyone else here had this sort of fear, and how do you deal with it? Or has anyone got any other advice to help me with this?

[sophieunderscore]

Hi, I have no advice I'm afraid but I just wanted to say that this is how my snowballing of thoughts goes - it has got especially worse since moving out of my parents house last week. I will be interested to see any responses you get

[Pipkin]

Sparkle,

What an excellent post. You've put down the anxiety process very well and are clearly aware of your feelings. Of course, you could say that you're thinking about it too much but that's part of the condition.

I probably worry about everything except dying but I can relate to what you're saying. I can't really give you any specific advice except to say that, if you haven't already, try to get referred for CBT. It deals very well with the kind of anxiety you're describing and teaches you how to deal with the catastrophisation and to accept that some things are inevitable.

Ultimately, what many of us fear is loss of control over areas of our lives and the specific worries you've described are typical for being something which you have no true control over, other than the obvious like working hard and staying fit. Even that doesn't bring the control back of course so the worries remain.

I know there are other members who have exactly the same fear as you and I'm sure you'll get a good response to your thread.

Take care

Pip x

[casswhite]

Hiya sparkle, can i just say i totally understand what you are going through :-). All of my anxiety and panick attacks all stens from the fear of dying, take that away and i would most prob be fine. Im abit of a control freak and i cant get my head round dying, its somthing i want to control and can't. Im going to c.b.t and feel it is helping me im getting to the point where these thoughts are getting on my nerves now!!! but it does get hard :-(. All i can advise sparkle is your not on your own with this

---------- Post added at 21:06 ---------- Previous post was at 21:02 ----------

keep in touch hun and we will get through it together :-) xx

[marcusmaximus]

Hi sparkle I have the exact same thoughts as you it freaks me out to think soeone else can have such exact thinking, I thought you where doing good on the meds? whats changed, My episode has been going like you 7 weeks its been up and down im in a calm period right now but it hasn't gone away yet. I saw the doctor on fri she gave me the meds that you are/where on but I havn't taken them because of the period I'm in right now am afraid what may happen if I take them. I've been busy my college course starts in a few weeks so maybe that's helped but I also say to myself the future will be so exciting think of it when we are in our 50s we will be still be fit and able and the technology that we will see will be amazing, just think of the leaps that will be made, this sometimes calms me but man I know how you are feeling if that helps at all/.

[Sparkle1984]

Thanks to everyone for your advice so far.

Sophie, I remember talking to you in the chatroom last Saturday and I remember you saying your worries have got worse since moving out of your parents' house.

Pip, I have an appointment for a telephone assessment with the local branch of the NHS Wellbeing service in a couple of weeks. What should I say in order to have the best chance of being referred for CBT? I definitely think CBT would be helpful for me.

Cass, I'm glad the CBT is helpful for you. If I can get referred to it I hope it will help me as well.

Marcus, I am still on the citalopram and I am better than I was before I started taking them, however they don't block out all my negative thoughts. I still get anxious, although the thoughts aren't as intrusive as they were. I wish they were able to block out all my negative thoughts! At least I don't wake up crying each morning now, and I feel happier in myself, even though some of the anxiety is still there. I have still only been taking them for 2 weeks so maybe I'm not getting the full effect yet? What are you afraid that might happen if you take them?

I too am looking forward to the advances in technology; I wonder how advanced everything will be in decades to come? Maybe there will even be total cures for anxiety and depression - we have to live in hope lol!

[marcusmaximus]

Hi sparkle, i'm worried about the side affects and the possibility they can make you worse

[Sparkle1984]

Hi sparkle, i'm worried about the side affects and the possibility they can make you worse

Marcus, it is worrying taking a new medication for the first time, but when I went to the doctors I was at the point where I was so down and fed up I was prepared to try anything in order to get better. The side effects can be bad for the first few days, in fact for the first few days there is a chance you'll feel worse before you start to get better. For me, I believe it was worth it as I am feeling better than I was beforehand (even though I'm not fully back to normal).
If the side effects are too severe for you or if you don't feel better, the doctor can always change the dose or give you a different type of medication instead. I can only speak from my own experience, and it is up to you what you want to do. Whatever you decide, I wish you well and hope you'll get better soon.

[marcusmaximus]

Hi man you've given me the confidence to start the dose in the morning, i've never had side effects with any time of tablets I've taken so I might get lucky with this.

[Sparkle1984]

Hi man you've given me the confidence to start the dose in the morning, i've never had side effects with any time of tablets I've taken so I might get lucky with this.

Good luck, let us know how it goes!