going crazy

[Aurun]

hi im new, ive never tried anything like this before but here goes.

atm im in a complete mess and really dont know what to do. i suffered a depression and anxiety/panic attacks a few years ago due to circumstances of where i lived. my partner couldnt understand it all and cheated on me- through me out of our house just before my daughters 2nd birthday, i had a breakdown and it was the worse thing i have ever felt, just when i thought things couldnt get worse she made them worse. eventually we sorted things out. she herself is quite messed up due to suffereing sexual abuse for 8 years from her step father and her mother abandoning her for 3 years and her father dissapearing for 12 years. all i ever did was love her and treat her like a queen, i did everything for her. i sort of rescued her from all that and we lived together, after 2 years we had a daughter- she has always struggled to show emotion or be affectionate/romantic and makes mole hills into mountains and blames me for everything. unfortunatly i love her so much.

now 2 weeks ago my relationship of 6 1/2 years has just ended very abruptly at my daughters 4th birthday party. initially she said she wanted me out of the house and id never see my daughter again. its now changed that i can stay until i find a place and she wants to continue to sleep together but i must sleep downstairs. she says she loves me and wants to stay together but for me to leave and we start again. to most normal people thats odd but in her mind thats a logical way to sort things, she says she wants her own independence, that i have always taken care of her and everything and she needs to grow up - unfortunatly i know this all comes from her mother who hates me - her mother has always used her and never shown her love or affection but she always goes running to her and even admits her mother doesnt love her but she just wants her toi be proud of her.

now thats bits slightly explained. i can feel myself falling back into the depression - my doctor has signed me off work, and now put me on Citalopram ( i was on Dothioepin before). im now sat at home alone whiles shes at her mothers. my whole body is racked with anxiety, my stomach is going crazy, i cant sleep or eat. for support most of my family live far far away, many of my friends i lost due to being with this woman. i feel very much alone and stand to lose everything. if i think thorugh all the years and how she has treated me i wonder why the hell i stayed with her- the only answer is love - but is it more than that- my childhood was a mess also with divorces and beatings, ive always been sentimental and clung to things as many times i lost all i had. am i finding this so hard because i know she can never love me as i love her, or is it that i cant bear the thought of losing her, the last 6 1/2 years, the family thing. im just sat on my own wallowing in self pity and everything around me is making me think of her. everyone i know is telling me to leave her and the house.i would like to,,, but i love her, and more importantly i love my daughter and dotn want to leave her like my mother left me.

i find the morning the worst, i wake up and for 5 glorious seconds im content, all is ok, then WHAm it all comes back to you, the memories, depression,anxiety and the day is ruined. id just like to cope with the anxiety- the nervousness, heart flutters, and i think also to tell complete strangers a little of my problems. i just want to stop my mind wandering, constantly thinking of her, crying my eyes out over and over, and feeling totally alone. i have to say in a strange way its nice to read some of other people articles here as it makes me realise some things and emotions dont just happen to me,. i think most of what ive wrote is a mess or jumbled but im shaking as im typing. i just want to cope, live on and be Happy - i the last happy day was my daughters birth

[den64]

Hi Aurun
Sorry to hear youre not coping to well, really all i can say is it will get better with time, could you ask youre doctor to refer you to a councellor, just talking to some-one can be a tremendous benefit, you do seem to have gone through the mill,citalopram is like all anti depressants it takes time to get into the system, during which youre anxiety can increase if this persists consider going back to youre doctors and asking if there is something different you could try, i truly feel for you as ive been there myself and still take tablets for anxiety.

there are good people on here with whom you can talk to and will understand how you feel

thinking of you and wishing you well

denise

[Dave777]

Hello Aurun, never think you are alone mate.
I went through hell after the breakup of a 6 year relationship, that was a long time ago. Talk to friends here it will help you lots..... look outwards not inwards. Hell what do i know ! ..... but if you need to PM

Dave

[Coni]

Hi Aurun,

I agree with Denise....I think counselling might be really helpful for you. You seem to have been through a lot. Youre definitely not on your own with these feelings....and now you can count us lot on here as your new friends!

Seriously though, it really does help to 'talk' things over on here, sometimes just to get things off your chest and know others understand and you'll get some great advice.

Your not on your own now.

Take care

Coni X

[Aurun]

thanks guys/ladies, its good to know there are people out there who understand, so many people around just dont. the amount of people that say 'snap out of it' or 'pull yourself together'.

ive thought in the past about seeing a councellor as i have many things from my past maybe i should dig up and havent quite sorted in my head.
parents breaking up on christmas eve when i was 6, sister slitting her wrists in front of me when i was 8, being starved/beaten by my dad becauase of step mother for 3 years until i was finally rescued by my mother, my friend dying in a horrific car crash when i was 16. maybe i should talk about these things - up until now id bottled them up and thought id 'got over' them, hell i was a rugby player for 10 years and used that as a form of release and it felt great, but i had to give that up when i started college/work. all this and im still only 23. i keep wondering if this is what life is like, i dont want it, probably 4 out of 23 years have been happish.

i definatly have some issues and i think the fear of being alone and losing the 'family' thing is a major part of my anxiety, also knowing i have no power or control with regard to access to my daughter as we arent married and i havent got a full parental responsibility form thing done from my solicitor.

i havent seen or heard from either of them since tuesday, i was meant to have my daughter today but my ex wont anwser her phone while at her mothers. shes lied to her whole family - they all think im at my mothers but im still at the house,why, because they would dissown her if they knew we were still talking or i was here- she admits shes only lying so she can use her mother as a baby sitter - if she can lie to her own flesh an blood, how can i ever trust/believe her again.

tbh we both need help- but she laughs and says she doesnt need it, only i do, she blames me for it all, convinces herself of something to remove her own guilt and use me as an outlet. my god if only we didnt have a child it would be much easier to walk away, but i must stop thinking that, id never replace my little girl, wouldnt change her for the world, just her mother hehe.

ive got an appointment with my doctor for next week, i'll get him to sort my a councellor, thankyou guys/ladies

[Aurun]

thankyou for the support , reading what you've written is like looking into a mirror of her, what you described is exactly how she is, the self loathing and with the dominant/passive roles. even after everything i still want to be with her, i found out today i'll be seeing them both on monday, might be the last chance to sort something out. i hope i can persuade her to go/accompany councelling sessions.

ive got 2 days now to try to relax, work out what im going to say and hopefully get a good nights sleep- keep waking up at 4,5,6am and never getting back asleep properly.

speak to you soon,

thankyou

[Children_of_God]

hey,
sorry to here you are having such a hard time. i often feel like i'm going crazy and i don't know how to cope with it any more. but, you will find lots of useful help on this site and everyone is so nice. i'm here if you need me hun. take care xXx.

"Everything's good in the end, if it's not good, it's not the end!!!"

[Aurun]

well what a fun week its been so far.the meeting we were meant to have monday didnt really happen, she arrived saying she had to go straight away as she starting her new job early (as usual she finds an excuse not to talk about her/us/or her feelings). I see my daughter for 6 hours (hadnt seen her for a week, longest ever id gone without seeing her). She also informed me that she is gonna stay at her mothers a further 3 bloody weeks to eliminate child care costs. Grrrrr. We arranged to go for a drink on this friday night to talk through things an see where we stood - things were going 'ok'.

then disaster struck - she hadnt told the babysitter (a family friend of mine) that she wasnt needed for the next 3 weeks. (babysitter was using money for driving lessons) - a text message war between them ensued (i knew nothing of it) with the baby sitter calling her unfit mother etc etc. I then get a phone call off my Hysterical ex that its all my fault, that i caused her to say all the hurtful things and that my mother was in on it (i get blamed for everything still an we aint even together). Im told i'll never see my daughter again (after speaking with my solicitor i have no damn rights to my little girl yet).

i know im just blabbing on here but it feels better to write it out.

i then find out some new things about my ex from local mothers - that she'd been saying all sorts of horrible lies about me for over a year to everyone on the estate - i knew nothnig of this - many of the mothers had met me in person and didnt believe what my ex had said - you wouldnt believe some of the lies shes said - but i keep asking myself, why the hell is she making up so much crap and lies - over the last week shes been getting caught in her own lies without me to protect her, now no one knows what to believe as shes cried wolf so many times0- shes so immature and refuses to seek help. im told she has even cheated on me again - i confront her about all this and as usual she denise it all- but the fact shes lying to her whole family about us i dunno what to belive.

im feeling more numb than anything - this last week ive been breaking down in tears all day- full of anxiety, dizzy, getting nightmares and a tightness in my chest. now i feel numb but with anxiety. i dunno what to belive and ask myself why the hell did i ever get involved with this person - i dont think i even know her, that the last 6 years are all a lie.

i then get a few more calls from her last night in hysterics telling me to 'sort it' over an over that the estate aint safe for her anymore and that its my fault. i then get a call from her this morning and now she says it aint my fault and that she wants to go for a drink on friday again - shes messed in head - this aint the person i remember- shes afraid of being alone soon when her mother goes to away for another 2 months and i wont be there to look after her again. i dont think she loves me- that gives me some closure, she just doesnt want to lose me, the comfort i gave her, the love and attention i showed her- hell she keeps reiterating that whatever happens she always wants to be close and make love- ROFL - shes mad and making my head spin,

i just wish she'd show some emotion, so far ive seen nothing of how she really feels, i know in myself its over- i just want closure, i want to hear her say it so i can start moving on. the only problem is that i have to 'be nice' atm as i have no rights to my little girl and must get either a form from solicitor signed by her or go to the courts.

atm im stuck in limbo, she cant give me a definate answer- im hoping to get one on friday so i can try to stop loving her- the person i lov doesnt exist anymore, hasnt for a while.

she has admitted she has resented me since persuading her not to have an abortion and for us to have a baby (we found out when she was 5 months pregnant, i couldnt live with the thought of having an abortion and talked her into keeping it), she feels i Personally took her freedom away and has done things to hurt me.

i guess im playing a waiting