Hi all.
I thought I’d introduce myself and tell you (mostly) all about me.
I joined this site today after reading various posts over the last week to ten days and have understood the feelings and sentiments of the posts so thought I’d join, so here I am.
In February of this year I was a happy, confident and full-of-life person, albeit slightly overweight so I went and joined the local gym and thoroughly enjoyed myself doing so many exercise classes.
Then I became bedazzled by one of the fitness instructors. The very first time I saw her I knew that she was all I wanted. Ever. Ever ever ever.
To cut a long story short we started seeing each other in June and I was happy, content, had all that I ever wanted. And I lost 2 stone in 4 months, so was happy with that as well!
Short-lived though. Apart from the weight loss that is.
Then I started doubting myself: Why would this stunning girl want to be going out with me? I started becoming more and more anxious over this; especially as early on in the relationship she had to go away for 3 weeks. What if she decided she didn’t like me when she was away? What happens if she meets someone? But she came back, and it was good…for a while.
But the doubt was still niggling at me. Why isn’t she with someone better than me? I don’t deserve someone like this.
The doubts became worse and worse and I started suffering anxiety attacks and not being able to sleep. The lack of sleep obviously making things worse. Let’s throw some paranoia in there too!
Off to the doctors I trudged who prescribed propranolol and sleeping tablets. The propranolol wasn’t helping me, so I kept on taking more and more – up to 6 in a morning. The doctor wasn’t chuffed with me, but upped the dosage anyway and gave me different sleeping tablets but I was still anxious and not sleeping all that well.
The anxiety started making me feel depressed: I can’t hold on to this girl; she won’t like me; why hasn’t she dumped me yet. So the doctor prescribed citalopram for me, just 10mg but, to be honest, I really didn't want to go down the road of that just yet. I was scared that my girlfriend would leave me if she knew what was happening to me. Even after reading someone's lengthy, informative and witty post on this very site about citalopram and "stuff" I was still unwilling to head down that path.
So I investigated the natural remedies and started, last week to take a multitude of tablets from good old Holland & Barrett including St. John's Wort, Ginko BilboBaggins (still a little bit of humour left in me it seems), 5-HTP, selenium and other wonderful things. Hope they kick in. Soon. Please.
Right now, and for the last few weeks I've been really weepy, so lonely, down, lost all of the confidence and self-esteem I did have, just back to work this week after being off for three weeks...being a contractor I don't get paid so let's dump some money issues in there too. The sobs I was coming out with last night I'd never ever heard before – like some wild animal...it was pretty damn scary let me tell you! Oh, and they’ve just happened again on the way home from the train station. Luckily the bloke walking in front of me had headphones on.
Oh, and last night my girlfriend decides that it's time for us to part company. Devastated isn't the word I'd choose. She still is, and always will be all I ever want from this life.
Yeah, yeah, I hear you all say: you'll get over this; plenty more fish in the sea; she's not worth it and all that tosh but I honestly have never felt this way about someone before....not even my best friend, who happens to be my ex-wife (I've laid such a burden on her over these last weeks...bless her).
I want to get back to the happy, confident person I was but that road seems so distant to me and I can't see the way to it. I try and think happy thoughts when I try and sleep, but the thoughts just won’t come. I can’t seem to remember happy times, even though they were just a short time ago.
I was supposed to be going out with the ex-wife tonight after last night happened, but she has a kidney infection and feels drowsy with the antibiotics she is on. I hope someone is on here this evening to chat with...it's going to be such a long weekend :( I’m so lost, lonely and afraid.
I've still been going to the gym, but that is more of a chore than pleasure now, even if I do get to see my now ex-girlfriend, but I can't face eating and I've lost another 16lbs in the last three weeks. Not good!
I've been told the waiting list for counselling is about one year...I don't have that time. I was contemplating something...last week… it's still there, as a thought, malingering and festering in my mind, even planned who to give my guitars and other worldly goods to.
Anyway, I think you get the drift.
I’d like to say pleased to meet you all…but is that the right thing to say on a board like this?
Thanks for reading.
P.S. I don't feel coherent so, not sure if this all makes sense.
Reply With Quote
So sorry to hear you have had so much to go through. You say you are taking St John Wort but that is only intended for mild depression and yours seems to be worse than that? Maybe you should take something prescribed from your GP. 1 year is a long time to wait for counselling, it is less than that where I live thank goodness. There is another site No Panic which offers telephone counselling sessions you might want to look at that too. I hope you will find lots of support on this site. Sending you 
