Today has been a nightmare

[paranoidtree]

I felt like i was doing so well this week, i managed to do some many things, every day a new challenge met. I accepted a job offer, saw friends, went on the motorway, went to the dentist. normal stuff, stuff i used to do without a second thought.

But today has been horrible, i was getting ready and feeling a bit self conscious about what i was wearing (i'm between sizes so one pair of jeans are too big and another a tad small still) so was flitting to see if there was anything else i would feel more comfortable in before going out (me and husband were going to pet store and then into town), he came in and asked me if i was feeling funny because of being scared to go out. Well that was it, all of a sudden it was like i was reminded of how hard life can be for me. how hard i find it to go out.

We argued a bit earlier but all evening i have felt wretched and i know it's not his fault and how hard this is for him too, especially seeing me so sad. I can't stop crying.

Tonight was a leaving drinks do for some friends who are going travelling and i just wanted my husband to go so i could think about ending it, something i've never thought about before but i'm so scared and just feel so down. i seem to take a step forward only to be pushed back two or three.

My husband is always saying how i can do this and that there is light at the end of the tunnel but i just don't see it right now. i'm not going to hurt myself (too afraid) but it scares me to think that i considered it.

I just feel so tired from fighting with myself all the time. i think this breakdown has been coming on for a while but it doesn't make it any easier. i guess i feel like when i'm 'ok' i'm just pretending, it doesn't feel real anymore. My husband told me he misses me earlier, that broke my heart, i miss me too. i don't like who i have become.

[Annie0904]

I am so sorry you are having such a bad night after you have done so well this week. I was at my lowest later last week and felt much like you. I told my husband he would be better off without me and I just wanted to go to sleep and never wake up again. I felt so bad after for saying it to him but I just couldn't stop crying and was so anxious. This week I am feeling a bit better and brighter and I am trying to focus on the positives I have done this week. Try to think of how well you have been doing and tonight maybe just a little 'blip' you are bound to me more tired after a busy week and that always makes the anxiety worse. Sending you lots of Try to relax, maybe a warm bath and an early night and I hope you will feel better tomorrow xx

[katyjohnstone]

hi you are on the recovery road but thats how it goes one step forward two back but you will start to notice you get more good then bad days i know i have been were you are scared it will never go but it will mine has with help on good friend and meds now getting good months take care

[paranoidtree]

thank you both, having a good nights sleep (i was exhausted) and a proper rational conversation with my husband this morning has helped put everything in perspective. i still feel on edge today as i scared myself witless last night but accept that recovery can be a long path. guess i'm frustrated that i've been trying to recover for such a long time.

Husband has said he is going to try and take a more active role in my recovery by taking an interest in the cbt programme, helping encourage me with good diet etc so that i feel that he is helping me when i'm 'ok' as well as when i'm in crisis.

Thanks again

[Elle-Kay]

I've just come to reading this now, and oh my goodness: your first post quite literally described my day yesterday too, almost word-for-word! Like you, I'd had such a good week and felt especially positive about my progress on Friday, but yesterday was the total opposite. I was anxious at the supermarket, very anxious at the pet shop and clothes shop, and was SO frustrated because they were ALL places I had been (alone, rather than with family) during the week! By the time the Chinese takeaway came at teatime I could hardly eat a bite, and took myself off to bed at 8.30 rather than argue with my husband. I felt so, so down and started to wonder, even though I knew my family would miss me if I wasn't here, whether they would forgive me if it meant that I didn't have to live the next 30/40/50 years in that kind of hell.

I feel so guilty for my thoughts this morning, as (of course) I feel more myself, but I'm so glad that I read your post, paranoidtree, because I feel sort of comforted that I wasn't the only one in crisis (though of course I wouldn't have wished the same on you in a month of Sundays!), and also comforted that on reflection I feel that I HAVE had more good days than bad this week, even if the bad day was a doozy!

[Danny_dingle]

Elle-Kay, I think that, like most people and with life in general, especially when we suffer with anxiety etc. it is so incredibly easy to just see all the bad stuff and everything that's gone wrong and feel like we are getting worse or not getting better. It has given me a boost to see you being so positive and saying that on balance you have had more good days than bad this week; I think I should take a leaf out of your book and focus on what I have achieved rather than what I haven't!

Paranoidtree: "I just feel so tired from fighting with myself all the time. i think this breakdown has been coming on for a while but it doesn't make it any easier. i guess i feel like when i'm 'ok' i'm just pretending, it doesn't feel real anymore. My husband told me he misses me earlier, that broke my heart, i miss me too. i don't like who i have become."

This made me cry (not in a bad way, I just related to it so much). This is EXACTLY how I feel. When I'm not feeling rotten I feel like it's taking all my effort and energy to be brave and positive, when I actually feel like running away, hiding and crying. I miss 'me', too. My counsellor asked me who I am when I am on my own, what it is I like to do. I thought about it, and I genuinely don't know any more. I don't know who the real 'me' is.

I know we can both get better in time, but that doesn't always make the here and now any easier.

On the plus side, we are both lucky to have partners who love and support us, and that can make the journey easier.

Take care of yourself,

Danny xxx

[paranoidtree]

Elle-Kay - sorry you had a horrid day yesterday too. Maybe there was something in the air?

Danny: thank you, reading your words made me cry too!

Anxiety/depression just seems to rob us of our identity. i know i'm in here somewhere, i'm just not sure where anymore.

On the plus side today i do feel better, crying and breaking down like is almost cathartic. And yes we are lucky to have partners like we do. i don't know where i would be without mine.

[starlight78]

Hiya, I can relate to the feeling of losing yourself to depression and anxiety. I feel most hopeless when I lose sight of me. What I found most helpful for me in the past is breaking down the horrible experiences into symptoms of an illness.. Separating it away from my personality. If I was feeling hopeless and terrified I would label it as a symptom of my illness and told myself that when I was recovered those symptoms would be gone.
I think it's important to see depression and anxiety as an illness and not part of us, even if it's been there for a very long time. I researched everything about my illness so that I recognised all the weird and strange symptoms when they came and also some ways to deal with them. I also chose to accept that biologically I was ill and whatever caused this, I needed treatment. I respect those that choose not to use medication, but for me it sorted out my brain chemistry and got me to a place where I could undertake CBT.

I'm not sure that this is for everyone, it helped me x

[merlotsmum]

Hi Paranoidtree

Can I join the club who felt very crap on Saturday?

I had the best day on Friday, better than I have felt in over 6 months then yesterday just dreadful, major anxiety and DP :(

Today little better but still not 100% back to Friday feeling.

I don't know where I will be without my partner either - he is a saint!

Take care, big hugs xx