My dad

[Eclipse]

Ok,
Think I'm 'blubbing' in the right place.......read a post on 'Misc' a while ago which was along similar lines so hope it is!

It's taken a few vodka's to get this far and I know it's going to be a ramble which I apologise for in advance!! I also want to apologise in advance for going into too much detail thus possibly upsetting/offending anyone.

Today is the anniversary (if that's the appropriate word) of my Dad's death.

That'll put people off to start with I'm sure but I'm not after anything other than to get it off my chest.

I ADORED him - he was everything that was kind & wise in my life - he always knew what to say, how to fix things, how to listen without judgement, how to advise without being patronising and how to pick me up when I felt worthless.

I'd like to think I take after him but there are traits he had that I couldn't even hope to achieve.

It's been 11 years to the day (also a Monday) that I got the phone call from my son - who was 10 at the time and staying with my mum & dad 15 miles away from where I lived then - who shouted down the phone "Something's wrong with Grandad, he's outside.......I think he's dying"

I panicked somewhat but didn't know whether my son was over reacting so told him not to worry, I'd get a cab as soon as possible (I don't drive)

I lived with someone (who ran a pub) at that time and rushed over to tell him I had to get out to my parents house there & then. He was playing in a Home darts match that night and said that if I'd wait til he'd thrown, he'd come with me.

At sixes & sevens - mind whirling & telling myself it had to be a false alarm - I went back to wait at the bar.
You can't believe how much I regret this now - even though it was only about five minutes of waiting - it seemed like hours. If only I'd been more assertive & independent.

We got a cab pretty soon after but about five miles from my parents house, an ambulance overtook us with sirens and blue lights going.

When we rounded the corner to the stretch of road they lived on, there it was outside their drive - despite all my prayers that it had been a coincidence.

It was the first time in my life that I've jumped out of a moving vehicle and I raced up the driveway as fast as I could. I got there just in time to hear one of the paramedics say to my mum that he was very sorry but Dad had gone and there was nothing they could do.

My Dad, the man who meant the world to me, was slumped in a sitting position opposite the front porch. Vulnerable & stripped of the dignity that he so deserved.

All I really remember then is screaming for him in pain cos I'd let him down and my mum shouting at me to be quiet. I love her but I've never forgiven her for that. He was my Dad and I loved him so much.

I think the final straw that night was when - after my sister & I (who hadn't spoken for a week or so after arguing) had clung to each other united in grief & understandably sobbing - my then boyfriend, said "I suppose that's you and me finished then?"

It's got to be the most insensitive thing I've ever heard in my life! (& yes, how perceptive of him!!)

The paramedics & local Doctor in attendance were very kind, understanding & respectful and 'put my Dad to bed' to allow us to say goodbye to him properly.

Almost every day that's passed since 7th August '95, I've told Dad that I love him and that I'm so sorry I wasn't there for him.

I carry the guilt that my son was there to witness it all at such a young age - they were so close it must have ripped him apart - although he now says he doesn't remember a lot about that night (thankfully) but still talks so fondly of his Grandad even at 21.

I'm so sorry to ramble on and like I said, I'm writing this just to get it off my chest and to try to believe that my dad does understand & knows just how much he meant to me.

I know there are countless numbers of you out there who will know how painful it is to lose someone so dear and my heart truly goes out to each & every one of you.

Thanks for letting me v

[eeyorelover]

Oh Magz hunny -
I am so sorry for your loss!!!!
You shouldn't blame yourself for your son being there. There was no way for you to know that he would pass that night. Also I understand the guilt you feel for waiting for your b-friend but 5 minutes wouldn't have changed anything hun. You said yourself how kind and wise he was and that is the memory of him that you need to carry with you hunny, not the image of his passing.
When you think of him - think of how much he loved you and how much you loved him. Think about his smile and the time you 2 spent together. I'm sure there were lots of those moments to cherish instead of dwelling on one nite that didn't define what the 2 of you meant to each other.
Take Care
xxx
Sandy

[Eclipse]

Thanks for that Sandy

I have to hold my hand up to having a 'bit'of a headache this a.m [:I][Oops!] but having released all that pent up emotion (at some silly hour of the morning) it actually feels as though I've lost the weight of it from my shoulders.

You're right about remembering the good things/times.

I guess it's easy to get caught up in, & dwell on, the feelings of loss instead of focussing on everything that went in to making good memories.

It's raining outside today but I woke with a good sense of calm & your post has just brightened the day further despite what the weather's doing!! Thanks

Magz
XX

[alexis]

Hi Magz,I know exactly what I want to say but not sure how to say it, first of all, a big well done on writing all this down and I hope you feel a little lighter now.
You did everything right as Eeyore says.
My father died and I was lucky enough to have nursed him in his final weeks, but I promised my daughter (15 at the time) I would collect her and bring her to her Grandad to spend the final few days with him, she adored him and was his blue eyed girl, but he died before I got her.
I have never got over that, and feel I let my father down and my daughter etc, anyway what Im trying to say is, you did right, and dont carry this around for ever, you can still get bereavement councelling, I was told there were 5 stages and you needed to work through them all to feel anywhere near right.
Well done, pm if you want to talk or anything, take care.xxxxxxxxxxx

[Piglet]

Always realise hun that you did your best - with the knowledge that you had at the time, you did your best! The same goes for you Alexis mate!

You are only not doing your 'best' if you deliberately do an action that you know to be unkind or spiteful. If you are doing your best then that is all that can ever be asked of you.

Hope you feel your load is a little lighter now Magz and that you can miss and love your Dad without any sense of regret of anything on your part, cos there is no need.

Love Piglet xx

[Eclipse]

Alexis & Piglet

You're both very sweet and I'm sincerely touched by your replies.

Having been in such a state of 'annual dread' of today and sobbing my way through writing that post, it was the strangest feeling to wake up this morning full of a sense of release and lightness.

I still can't quite believe how finally dragging it all out and seeing it in black and white has made such a difference. Obviously the missing & feelings of loss aren't going to go away but I don't feel that black mass in my stomach & chest now. It's so weird!

Piglet's right Alexis - neither of us should harbour this guilt cos it was out of our hands and I'm sure both our dads wouldn't expect us to do this.

I owe this site and its members so much for having given me the initial feeling of security/trust to blurt this out in the first place.

Thanks - a small word but definitely from the heart!

Magz
XXXXXXXXXX

[pips]

Hi my precious Magz,

I'm so very sorry for the loss of you Dad sweetheart. You are not to blame in anyway hun. You did everything you possibly could sweetie. Please don't think otherwise.

Remember I'm always here if you need me mate.

Take Good Care,

Loadsa Love & BIG BIG HUGS,

PIP'S X X X X

[alexis]

Thanks Piglet,
thanks Magz, glad your day hasent been too bad, well done,xxxx

[Southern_Belle]

Hi Magz,

Whew what a post. I'm so sorry of the loss of your Dad and how it happened. I am glad though that posting it has helped you through this day though. Sometimes when we write things out it gets out feelings no matter how long we have held them in. As close as you two were I am sure he knew how much you loved him and that is what matters most. It is how we treat each other when we are alive that matters most!

Bel

"Our thoughts are our reality"

[Eclipse]

Thanks Pip's you 'cuddle in a pair of shoes' you! (I know what I mean!)
I've mailed you and hope you actually get it this time (cos I've pressed the 'send' button)!!!! XX

And thanks Bel too, it is how we treat each other in life that matters. XX

The only tears that have leaked out since initial post have been from reading the replies.

Actually raised a glass to my dad last night but if I'm totally honest.....it was a glass of water......I think I pushed the boat out a 'bit too far' the other night/morning!![:I]

Love to all

Magz
XXXX