Hi to all
Finally I have less than twelve hours to kill before returning to the UK. My PA's have been pretty relentless today but in my lucid moments I made a list of what I feel are my own areas of anxiety.
My issues are (apart from getting home).
No 1. Trying to recover from anorexia but feel I am getting too fat.
Therefore eating out causes severe anxiety as I dont know what
to choose, whether it will put on extra weight, how I will deal with
that.
Action: I have already told my doctor I have an eating disorder. I am not at a low weight now but my head tells me I am far too big. Therefore I need to tell him eating is easy but psychologically it is far worse.
No. 2 Recovering from tranquilliser addiction (and consequently rebound
anxiety). Having to feel the real world instead of a haze and
therefore not feeling.
Action: Upon arrival in UK, order or loan Clare Weekes book (Self help for your nerves).
No 3. My dad (who is the first human being I have ever felt deep
feelings for). I hate him for dying, I hate him how he hurt me
in hospital, despite my going in daily to feed him and make sure
he was cared for. Also, dealing with being the only one with him
when they turned off his life support.
Action: Chase CRUISE (bereavement counselling). (I dont particularly want to do this one as I dont want to 'feel', but it is necessary to move on. The need to explore why he was so important to me and why his death impacted so hard on me. (I have some ideas).
No. 4. Massive anxiety about my daughter. Past and Present/Future
Unfortunately she was physically violent to me, permanently excluded from school, stole my credit card, started using drugs. (Past)
Present - Using cannabis as a means to cope with her ex violent boyfriend. Helping her to move into her new flat but at the same time missing her like hell as she has matured a lot.
Future - Seeing her happy and settled with her baby son (she found out what sex the baby was two days ago).
I am sure there are many other things I need to think about and action but they dont come to mind right now. The normal day chores ie cooking cleaning kind of get in the way.
Anyway, enough waffle. This is probably the last post as I have no doubt, a horrendous journey tomorrow. We should be back in the UK Fri PM (fingers crossed). It took us three days coming over here and that made the PA's far worse, as sitting on planes cause PA's and too much thinking time.
Take care of yourselves and each other.
Fran X
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