support from family? HAH good joke.

[swgrl09]

I am really having an anxiety spaz right now. It is about 5:30 AM and I woke up early here, having trouble sleeping bc I increased my lexapro from 10 to 20 mg Thursday due to increasing depression again. So struggling anyway but I was hopeful that I would be back to myself soon.

Well f*ck that! You may have seen my earlier posts being worried about my sister's husband coming home with her, but at least knowing my dad said he was not allowed anywhere near our family. (If you didn't read, he did some really traumatizing things to me last year ... not getting into it here) I also told my dad it would really hurt my feelings if this guy was allowed back into our family because he ahd done it when I was younger, I told my family, and somehow they FORGAVE him. Well then it happened again last year and everybody swore he was not allowed in the family anymore.

Well just noticed pictures on facebook of him at my dad's house celebrating. My dad promised he was not allowed in the house and would not support him or let him be anywhere near any of us. I just feel so betrayed by my family. I am so mad and upset that they are letting him back in the family again.

It may sound trivial, but I don't know if I want to go spend Christmas eve with them tomorrow. I am so upset and angry.

---------- Post added at 05:37 ---------- Previous post was at 05:29 ----------

You know, it makes me so mad. The last time he abused me I was 15 and 16 years old. Nobody supported me. They let him right back into the family. Then he abused me again and I said, this is the last time. I swore up and down to my dad and my sister that if they started letting him be around anymore and be with the family again I was out. Well, that's it. I'm out I guess. Turns out that I really am the only person who can protect myself.

[sunshine1]

I would be mad too! Sorry your family have let you down :( xx

[swgrl09]

it's still too early to call and ask them about it ... i will in an hour or so. i am so mad. i also have been having chills and hot flashes, not sure if i am getting sick or if it is from my increase in meds.

looks like this christmas will be crappy.

[wazza]

I really hope things work out alright for you. Sounds like a really shitty situation, but you will find plenty of support on here. I would protect my daughter to the death and support her in anything all the way.

[swgrl09]

thanks for your support sunshine and wazza, it helps as my family is not being supportive at all. my nephew went back to the hospital and my sister is yelling at me that i am being selfish and have to set aside my feelings "for once" and not get what i want (her words). the thing is, i have set aside my feelings all my life for their feelings, which is what kept this abusive man in our family at my expense more than once. so you know what,i am sorry she had a rough night but i am not backing down this time.

[Tessar]

That really sucks, swgrl09. If i were in your situation i'd feel just the same way. There's nothing worse than not being protected by your parents or wider family. First off, its most definitely NOT trivial. Certainly not.
My experience is different to your but I feel it is relevant. My brothers bullied/abused/tormented me & my parents never stopped it so i do know how it feels not to be protected. Its not pleasant to suffer those things & even less pleasant when they are just brushed away as if they dont matter. But they do.
My parents have refused to face it. Years later when trying to discuss this with my parents, they just make it out like none of it was THAT bad. Even one of my other brothers begged them for help & they wouldnt back down to help him. It was more important to them not to admit the family had problems than it was to admit to even some of it and then help their son. They basically abandoned him in a time of need. That's very selfhish.
The whole forgiveness thing is very, very complicated. For my money I dont see that it's up to your family to forgive him - that is for you to do (or NOT to do as the case may be). I most certainly have NOT forgiven one of my brothers because he never showed any remorse & was clueless about what he did to me & how the damage has lasted. Another one of my brothers has shown remorse & apologised. He has also helped me get over some of what happened. He validated me & made me see that it DID happen. He doesnt deny it.
In your last post where you mention your sister yelling at you about being selfish, that's just typical of families in this situation. Regarding set aside your feelings..... "for once" that really angered me that she would say that. It's excatly how my family were with me. You are so right that you have set aside your feelings all your life for their feelings,. Again this is very indicative of dysfunctional families. I would be behind you all the way if you decide not to back down.
Your family however seem to be stepping past it rather too easily for my liking. Sorry if I sound a bit wound up about it & sorry too as I'm not trying to make you feel worse at all. More so I'm trying to show that I can empathise. When I hear about other people have these issues it really irritates me. I wish I could just walk in & do some firm talking to get families to see sense. To be realistic about what's happened and to begin the healing process for people such as you.
They cant make you go over on xmas day. Its your decision. You know, it was many, many years ago what happened to me & only now decades later am I making choices to cut the unhealthy people out of my life. I wont be speaking to my parents on xmas day for the first time in my life tomorrow. Sometimes that makes me feel a bit guilty but I have to remind myself of the hassle I've had off them over the years & the lack of support.
If you can make choices that help you even in the short term, then perhaps your instincts are telling you what's best. Of course I cant give you a direct answer becasue it isnt happening to me, but why be somewhere and with people you really dont want to be? Of course you also need to consider the alternative because it may be that some members of your family are OK and you do like their company. So you wouldnt want to cut them out of your xmas either.
I dont know if I can go online tomorrow so may not be able to look out for further posts maybe til boxing day but if I can i'll be around. hope it goes ok in the end for you.

[wazza]

Good on ya. Stand up for yourself. I dont know how your sister can expect you to put aside your feelings just like that.Grrr.... Im getting mad for ya. Hope you manage to have a christmas despite. Just try to stay away from him and make it obvious its him that you have a problem with, not the rest of YOUR family. Rant over, sorry

take care

ps maybe we should send "the boys" round....

[swgrl09]

Thank you both SO much for your supportive and understanding replies. Both mean so much to me. It is so hard and when they have been yelling at me the past couple of hours on the phone, I have begun to question myself and feel guilty ... which I cannot do this time. I have to stand my ground.

My sister is now trying to make me feel guilty using her son, saying it is his first christmas and how can i make her be in the middle of this. Odd, because two weeks ago she was saying his first christmas is no big deal because hes too little to know what is going on anyway.

I am just upset, I keep ignoring the phone now. They are mad at me and my fiance for not wanting to go spend christmas eve dinner with them and just stay home together. I have been crying all morning.

I miss my mom, she would have stuck up for me ...

[wazza]

you are lucky you have your fiance. stick together and make it YOUR christmas. dont feel pressured to do what others want. you are important. you count. it is your choice.

best wishes to you and yours

[swgrl09]

thank you, i am trying .... trying so hard not to feel guilty and suck it up, which is what i would used to do ... this is it, this has been one of the many things i have been working on in therapy ... standing up to them and not feeling guilty about it. I have to do this.